Fool's Gold Page #2
that you feel needs work.
I wanna make you happy.
I'll do anything.
I'll see a counselor.
Will you come to Chicago with me
like you promised?
Could be... I mean, that could work.
I'll definitely see the counselor.
Mr. Finnegan...
...I can't tell you what a pleasure it is
to inform you that under Florida law...
...you and this woman have been divorced
for the last 50 or 60 seconds.
Moreover, as you were not present
at the time of the proceedings...
...she got everything.
We're divorced?
I'm afraid so.
Why?
Excuse me.
Oh, wait, Tess.
I gotta tell you what happened.
Tess.
We found it. Me and Alfonz.
About a hundred yards off the reef.
Right where we always said she'd be.
Oh...
Prove it.
Excuse me, excuse me,
you have a pen, paper?
Anybody got a pen, pencil,
paper, anything?
Your uselessness is epic.
What does that mean? Here we go.
All right. Alfonz and I are diving...
...and I come across this plate,
dinner plate, about yay big.
It's plain white...
...but this...
...was stamped on the back...
...in blue.
It's the Vangor family crest, Tess.
You were right all along.
You were right before anybody.
- Where did you find this?
- A hundred yards off the reef.
Wow, Finn. Oh, my God.
That's what I'm saying.
Where's the plate?
Well, I don't have it on me
this minute.
Where do you have it?
Well, it's back there.
Wow.
Wow.
I know what you're thinking, Tess.
But I swear to God it's the truth.
You can ask Alfonz.
Okay. Where is he?
Well, he's back there too.
I can't believe you would dangle this
in front of me.
I can't believe it.
- You really think I'd lie about this?
- Why not? You're a liar.
But this is an inappropriate time
to dwell on that.
You... I can draw this picture too.
Hey, Tess, I'm telling you, we solved
a 300-year-old mystery yesterday.
Married or not...
...if we don't go after that ship,
it's gonna haunt us the rest of our lives.
I wasted eight years of my life
on this bullshit.
I'm going back to Chicago.
I'm gonna get my Ph. D...
...and I'm going to spend the rest of my life
teaching, reading and writing books.
And somewhere in there I'm gonna meet
an intelligent, successful man...
...who can get through an entire
conversation without using "definitely. "
First of all,
I hardly ever say that anymore.
And when are you gonna stop selling
this crap about going back to school?
You want history?
It's under the ocean, lady.
What, are you telling me you wanna
spend your life in some dark room...
...taking notes and writing books...
...about what some old putz in
another room cooked up in his head...
...about things
that you have actually seen...
...and touched and pulled out of the sand
with your own hands?
Bullshit.
I'm so glad we're not married anymore.
That's the best part. By selling the boat.
By selling my boat, which belongs to me,
which used to belong to us...
...but you missed the divorce
so now it belongs to me.
I'm gonna fix it up, I'm gonna sell it,
and I'm going back... What?
This is hard to say.
What is?
Well, you act like this is totally my fault.
Can I borrow this cane
for a second, please?
Oh, come on, Tess.
You're not gonna hit me.
Ugh.
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
I take it they didn't kill you.
No...
...but thanks for your help.
- You need help.
- You are not my mother.
You're right.
I guess maybe I act like your mother
sometimes because I never had one.
Easy, Gary, easy.
Okay, look, the main thing is
we get away from Key West.
The second Finn lays eyes on this boat,
he's gonna be onboard in 10 minutes.
What do you mean?
You told him you're working here?
- Are you kidding?
- Then I don't get it.
He needs money, Gary.
Another boat, new equipment, everything.
And I doubt he's gonna squeeze
another dime out of that Bugs Bunny.
- Bugs Bunny?
- The rapper guy we had the fight about.
- You mean Bigg Bunny Deenz?
- Yeah.
- Bigg Bunny Deenz is Finn's investor?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Gary?
- He is a very dangerous guy.
I did like that one song he had,
"Call Me Thumper. "
That was some funny sh*t.
- Anyway...
- There's something wrong with my bisque.
- I'm sorry, honey.
- Anyway...
But I don't get it,
because has Finn ever even met Nigel?
No. But he will, don't you understand?
He is a genius at exactly three things:
Treasure salving, finding money
for treasure salving, and one other thing.
- What other thing?
- What other thing?
How do you plan to get another boat?
I can't think about this right now, Alfonz.
I just got divorced.
May I make a suggestion?
No.
You see that big yacht lying offshore?
No, which one?
- So what?
- I only mention it...
...because he is worth $ 700 million.
And just to let you know,
I'm back onboard, obviously.
So whenever you want to weigh anchor
is great.
Thank you.
So should I tell the captain?
Ready to weigh anchor?
Ready to push off?
Actually, no.
My daughter, Gemma, is joining us today...
...and I said I would wait here for her.
Oh, great. God.
When is she coming?
Where is she coming from?
How far away is she? How great.
I sent the chopper to Miami...
...but she could be anywhere.
That's so funny that you would wait
in Key West for her...
...when she's coming by chopper.
- Is it?
- Well, just because the helicopter...
...could just meet the boat anywhere.
I mean, anywhere at all, that's what's
so incredibly great about helicopters.
She wants to do some shopping.
What do you do, Tess?
I'm the new steward.
But what do you really do?
What makes you think I do anything
besides stewarding?
Stewing, stewarding,
stewarding? Stewarding.
My infallible lifelong instinct
Have you sized me up?
Not quite.
You don't mind the work,
but you're not here for long.
You have a deep but not entirely unclouded
love for the sea.
You perform your duties
with superlative efficiency and ease...
...suggestive of someone expending
approximately one-tenth...
...of her available brain power.
So...
...what do you do
with the remaining 90 percent...
...when you're not getting divorced?
I hope I'm not being too personal.
No, not at... Not at all.
It's just been a crazy couple of years.
It's probably his helicopter.
His daughter
is supposed to be arriving today.
The whole town is buzzing
with excitement.
Hey, so where you say
this, uh, museum is at?
Number 2, Water Street.
Okay, uh, every street on this island
This place has a magic atmosphere.
Will you just find
the damn address, man?
Yo, Cordell, we got MapQuest
on these things?
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hello, darling.
Hello, my baby.
Daddy.
- Pleasant flight?
- Uh-huh.
So, um, is this the whole boat?
- Yes.
- Oh, so cute.
I can't believe we're at sea.
Well, uh, technically, we're at anchor.
Oh, wait, okay. So that just means
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