Futurama: Bender's Big Score Page #6

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But if that narwhal means so much to you,

you gotta do something.

I know, but I can't just

go chasing after her.

- That'd be nuts.

- Sometimes you gotta be a little nuts.

Let me introduce you to my cousin.

He owns a small freighter.

That's him right behind us.

Maybe you're right.

Sir, Id like to engage your ship

for a trans-Arctic voyage

to capture a narwhal

and bring it back to my room.

- The man is nuts, Leroy.

- Professional whale keeper, eh?

Ive carried your type before,

and we don't get along.

Oh, I agree with your values

and your goals and your methods,

but somehow we just never click

on a personal level.

Im not a professional anymore.

Just a narwhal-loving private citizen.

Then Im your man.

We'll take on three barrels

of fresh sausage and sail at dawn.

Welcome to the wedding!

Its a foolproof plan.

They can't sign the wedding license

if I give them a pen with no ink.

Yeah, once they try to sign that license,

all hell will break loose.

Oy vey.

Go on now, man.

Don't you know nothing

about zipping up a woman's frock?

Its more my thing to zip them down.

Get your clumsy, muscular hands

off my woman, Barbados.

Hermes! Your body!

I always said you were a little backward.

Well, I always said

you were a little forward.

With my wife!

Ooh!

Consider yourself bird-dogged.

That's my man! Take a boat, Barbados.

Brother, you gots to tell that sweet thing

your time-duplicate body is doomed.

Tomorrow morning, after the festivities.

Yow, baby.

Our little girl is finally getting married.

And to a normal two-eyed human.

He's not good enough for her.

Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.

Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant.

Dearly liked,

we are gathered here

before one or more gods, or fewer,

to join this couple

in pretty good matrimony.

If anyone objects to this union,

let them speak now

or forever hold their peace,

or do something else.

Its been two years, Fry.

We've caught 108 narwhals

and set them all free again.

- None of them were Leelu.

- But all of them were edible.

Can we at least eat that one?

Im sick of sausage.

Id know

that modified extended tooth anywhere.

To the boats!

Leelu! Leelu! Its me, Fry!

Oh, Ive missed you, too, Leelu.

But we'll never be apart again

because we care too much for each other.

Fire!

Now, if the couple will sign

the wedding license.

I warned him!

I warned him a time paradox duplicate

is always doomed.

- What?

- Oh, no, my man.

He's essentially dead again.

Relax, ma'am.

Your husband's original body

will be repaired within one week.

Not soon enough. Boy needs a daddy.

Cruel runnings, man.

- Woopsy-doopsy, poopsy.

- Well, let's get on with it.

Don't let my doomed body

and my doomed marriage

stand in the way of your happiness.

No, it's not right.

We don't want our happy day tainted

by misfortune and tragedy, do we?

- Im okay with it.

- No, it's not right.

The wedding is off.

Oh, my goodness!

Finally, a happy ending.

And now it's time for

Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.

Even in a depression,

the entertainment industry thrives.

Are you okay, Leela?

Yeah, Im just a little down

'cause the only man

Ill ever love left me at the altar.

- Plus I live in a dumpster.

- You stay out of my dumpster.

We interrupt this

episode ofEverybody Loves Hypnotoad

to bring you a speciaI address

from Earth President Nixon.

Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control.

No! Don't make me kill myself!

My fellow Earthicans,

I've just received some really great news.

Im about to close a deal

that will allow us to buy Earth back

from the scammers.

That'll teach those scammers and me.

Just when things looked darkest,

I received an e-mail

from the Andromeda Galaxy.

It seems we've won their

quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes.

Oh, Lord.

And all I had to do was hand over

our last remaining land

and water as collateral.

So assuming all goes...

What's that, Agnew? A telegram?

There... Seems to have been some...

We've been scammed again, people.

Prepare to evacuate Earth.

I mean, New Scamedonia.

Na-na-na-na

Na-na-na-na

Hey, hey, hey

We took your stuff

All aboard for Neptune!

Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune.

Ill be cold and heavy.

Thanks for the planet, suckers.

Its so cold, my processor is running

at peak efficiency.

What are you, a whining machine?

If you want to worry about something,

worry about the yetis.

Yetis?

Oh, yetis.

Amy, you speak yeti.

What are they saying?

Im not sure, but it sounds

like something to do with...

''Assaulting the interlopers.''

Don't mess with me,

you ice-crapping snow-honkies.

I just got dumped.

Sweet yeti of the Serengeti,

she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.

- Is that normal?

- No.

Perhaps if we were to cook

and eat her slightly...

Leave her alone.

She just needs me to cheer her up.

Wanna sword fight, girl?

That male narwhal seems

to be upsetting her.

Get us out of here, Captain.

Full fast ahead.

Damn whale keepers.

Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Oh, my heart's not in it.

Im too depressed

for murder and mayhem.

Try some antidepressants.

They're Gummi.

What happened, Santa?

The scammers cheated me

out of my naughty list

to use for telemarketing.

Can you imagine the harm

they could do with that information?

I wanted to do that harm.

That's it. They've gone too far.

No more running and hiding.

Its time to fight back.

Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.

We're fighting back and you're helping us,

you fat holiday idiot.

That hurt.

You're on the naughty list.

So that's our proposal napkin,

Mr. President.

We have just enough people

and ships to mount a ragtag attack.

You wish, missy.

Dog-danged scammers used

our money to build

a fleet of remote-controlled,

solid-gold Death Stars.

Ooh! Id take one of those

with a side of chili fries.

We're hopelessly outgunned.

The force is with us, but that's about it.

But we have access

to a huge manufacturing complex.

I brought the elves back from vacation

Chained them up

and called my holiday friends

Kwanzabot

And the Chanukah zombie

Three mad, wise men

Bearing murder and frankincense

- Damn you

- Shut up

Now fetch those bunnies by the armfuI

- Says who?

- Says me

Napalm makes them

slightly more harmful

No one here goes near that door

This toyshop's going to war

Talmud says

'"Be slow to anger'"

Low-down scammers got me seeing red

Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar

Jump back, Jack

'Cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead

Ten hut!

Dreidl, dreidl

I made it out of blasting clay

You're nuts

And when it's dry and ready

For mercy they will pay

I can't wait eight nights or more

This zombie's going to war

Check, check it out

Kwanzabot in the Neptizzle-hizzle

With my inhuman beat box

Busy building missiles

They're guided by these

cute dancing fairy figures

Careful, little elf

That's proximity-triggered

I'm fighting back for Kwanza

So the children won't miss it

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