Futurama: Bender's Big Score Page #7

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I'm confused about its meaning

But I know it when they dis it

- So, Santa

- Yeah, K?

- CZ?

- Hey, hey

Let's slay them pimps

Come on, pimp my sleigh

Easy with that toy artillery

Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable

- Can they sue for liability?

- Certainly not!

Use as much as you are able

This bites

You signed away your rights

when you were hired

- Now, let's fight

- Let's fight

Okay!

Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire

Prepare for gore galore

This trinity's going to war

Troops, you are now equipped

with the finest weapons

magical elves can build.

As for the battle plan...

And now, to present the battle plan,

Commander Zapp Brannigan!

What?

At ease, people.

I was redecorating

my undisclosed location,

when I received word

of an heroic invasion.

Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs

from the cold, for God's sake.

We fight this battle, not for ourselves,

but for our children

and our children's children.

Which is why Im forming

a children's brigade.

Will the following youths

please step forward?

Cubert Farnsworth.

- Here, sir!

- My boy. Oh, God, no!

- Dwight Slim.

- Here.

You took his name? Oh, God, no!

In several ways!

Assuming the 15th pile of children

buys us a few seconds,

we will then execute maneuver 45.

Followed by maneuver 44.

- Forty-six.

- Oh, great.

Now I have to start back at the beginning

with maneuver two.

One.

Admiral, will we stop attacking

at any point

or is this one of those

phony-baloney feel-good wars

like the war on drugs?

- What's your name, smart mouth?

- Lars Fillmore.

The lovely Leela's

on-again, off-again paramour.

Perhaps a suicide mission would knock

the insubordination out of you.

Yes, yes, yes.

- We're approaching Earth, sir.

- Who?

Oh, planet Earth.

The big blue velour marble.

All commanders stand by.

Prepare to transfer battle control

to the main duper-computer on my mark!

Ten, nine, eight...

Does anybody mind if I take command?

- No.

- Nos.

- Nah.

- Nope.

- No, Miss Turanga.

- No, I do not.

- No.

- Its cool.

All right.

Unit one, acquire target A and fire!

Yes! Nailed the children's ship.

Unit 10, Target H, 16-K.

Niner, niner, go left!

I mean right.

55-U.

8- R, 2-V.

- Bingo!

- Cheating son of a...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Its hopeless!

I can't coordinate this many ships!

Perhaps I can help!

Professor, can you wire my head

directly into the battle grid?

I can wire anything directly into anything.

Im the professor!

Then prepare to see

a bureaucrat's brain in action.

Finally, I get to save the Earth

with deadly lasers

instead of deadly slide shows.

He's champing for a clamping!

Kwa-zang!

I did it!

I saved Earth and won back my woman.

- Right, woman?

- Oh, Hermes, Ive been such a fool.

Truth be,

I married you for your sexy potato body,

but Im staying with you

for your sexy potato head.

You haven't seen

the last of Barbados Slim!

Now, goodbye forever.

Nice attack, doo-doo heads.

Too bad we have one last trick

up our sleeve.

I doubt that.

Remember this, Farnsworth?

Farnsworth? That's me!

My doomsday device!

So it was the scammers!

They sawed off my hand

and stole the doomsday device.

It wasn't them.

It was me, Bender.

The master criminal!

So what'll it be?

- UnconditionaI surrender?

- Never!

- Or totaI destruction?

- Also never!

You have 30 seconds.

Make up your minds.

Never!

People, Im sorry.

You've never before

heard me say those words,

or even the individual letters

that make them up.

But I am.

And with a huge amount of modesty,

I humbly beg your forgiveness.

Shut up and keep looking apologized to.

Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling

sensation in my sprunjer.

Yay! Bender!

- All right!

Bender, how the Hulk did you end up

with the doomsday device?

I was working the long con all along.

While sawing off the professor's

hand with an extremely dull saw,

I had some time to think.

So I asked myself,

'"Who could use a doomsday device more?

'"The scammers or me, Bender?'"

After severaI minutes of sawing,

I knew the answer.

Me, Bender.

So I retrieved the dummy satcheI,

and as soon as I was out

of the scammer's controI,

I pulled the old switcheroo.

And that's how I saved Earth

and am the greatest.

Bender the robot, Im proud to present you

Earth's highest award for swindling.

The Dirty Double-Cross.

I'll always treasure it

and immediately hock it.

There, your body's good as new.

Just pop in an executive suppository

every few...

- What is it?

- Nothing.

Its supposed to be a celebration, Leela.

I mean, come on.

Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!

I can't help it. I was gonna be married.

I was so happy.

Well, maybe you'll meet

someone else someday.

No, you don't understand.

Lars is the only man Ill ever love.

I know it in my heart.

You remember when we first met?

It was right there in the cryogenic lab,

eight years ago today.

Meet me there in five minutes.

Its important.

Why are you so sad, Leelu?

Him again?

Wait a second, are you two...

Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here!

We have to set Leelu free.

Dang. I never should have quit

my job at the casino.

Me, neither.

But she needs what'll make her happy,

not what'll make me happy.

Goodbye, Leelu.

I don't much know about frozen heads,

but, of course,

if it's Mahatma Gandhi, Ill...

- Leela?

- Lars?

I... I really have to go, I...

Fry, was this an idiotic trick

to get Lars and me back together?

Quite idiotic.

But you don't need to be an idiot

to see that you two belong together.

And, Leela,

I want what'll make you happy,

not what'll make me happy.

Im sorry, I really am,

but Leela and I just can't be married.

Why not? You obviously love each other.

What are you, cousins?

Fry, you deserve to know the truth.

Its because...

Nobody move!

Nudar, how did you survive

the doom blast?

My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed

most of the radiation.

In retrospect,

I wish Id been wearing doom-proof pants,

but you know us nudists.

- Now give me the time code!

- I don't have it!

- Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.

- Not you.

- You!

- Lars?

He doesn't have it. He never had it.

Fry had it!

But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt!

I want to stress that part.

My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise.

Now where is it?

Im not afraid of you

or your expensive gun.

- Go ahead and shoot.

- Oh, yeah?

Then what if I kill the woman you love?

Don't you understand, numb-neck?

He doesn't love me!

Ive always loved you.

Don't hurt her. Ill give you the code.

- What the...

- Four, three, two, one,

boom!

Lars, no!

Its enough just to know you're happy.

You, too.

Its enough to know

you're happy with Lars.

Fry, old buddy! Its me! Bender!

My hair!

My larynx!

Im Lars?

Im Lars!

Wait for me, Leela!

Ill be there in a thousand years.

I'll save my bread

And take it with me

Shame you won't be there

To see me

Shaking hands

with Charles de Gaulle

You can freeze

Like a 30th-century man

So I got a job at the Head Museum

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