Futurama: Bender's Game Page #2

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Uh, um...

I am Titanius lnglesmith,

fancy man of Cornwood.

(BOYS EXCLAIM)

(DOOR OPENS)

Everybody out of the conference room.

I am calling a conference.

Everybody get in here.

You wasted precious fuel just because

you were insulted by some redneck yokel

from beyond the stars?

-It was only half a ball.

-That's not the point.

Your temper is out of control.

And to think I'd have never even known

if it weren't for the lengthy

and unsolicited tattling of Dr. Zoidberg.

She also took home

two rolls of Scotch tape.

Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg.

Hermes, incentivize that employee.

As for you, Leela, I'm letting you off

with a warning.

Oh, thank you.

A warning that will be administered

by this 50,000-volt shock collar.

Zoidberg, I'm gonna put my boot

so far up your cloaca, you'll be...

Ow!

The collar will be triggered any time

your thoughts turn to violence.

Profanity.

Son of a...

Or perversions of a sexual nature.

Ow!

Sorry, it's the only collar

they had in stock at Office Depot.

I hope you picked up some Scotch tape

while you were there.

BENDER:
That's a good one.

(ZOIDBERG EXCLAIMING)

NARRA TOR:
imagine, if you will,

an announcer you can barely understand.

He refers to a...

(NARRA TOR SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

But you're not quite sure what he said.

He seems to be eating something,

or perhaps he's a little drunk.

It's remotely possible that he just said

something about The Scary Door.

SOLDIER:
Firing, sir!

It's all over. Our guns and bombs

-are useless against the aliens.

-The saucers! Theys are crashing!

NARRA TOR:
In the end, it was not guns

or bombs that defeated the aliens,

but that humblest of all God's creatures,

the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

(ALIEN SCREAMING)

I can't believe TiVo suggested

that piece of... Ow!

Come on, Hermes.

Surely you have the authority

to remove this damn collar.

Alas, no.

I got the key but not the authority.

Yeow!

Well, who does have the authority?

Only the staff doctor.

You'll have to convince him

that you have resolved your anger issues.

I don't have any god...

mother...anger issues.

As your dwarf-skin canoe rounds a bend

you suddenly see...

A terrifying red dragon.

(SCREAMS)

What do we do? What do we do?

Wait, I know.

I make use of my round of fireballs.

(lMITATING EXPLOSIONS)

(SCOFFS)

Everyone knows red dragons

are immune to fireballs

as well as all other forms

of incendiary attack.

Yes, but I aim not at the dragon

but at the river itself,

to create a shroud of steam

through which we can escape.

ALL:
Whoa!

Sweet pony of Sierra Leone, it worked!

-We did it!

-Yeah!

Bender, smell this milk.

I go not by the name of Bender,

you fleshy fool,

I am Titanius lnglesmith,

fancy man of Cornwood.

Professor, something's bothering me.

(lN FARNSWORTH'S VOICE) Well, you can

always talk to me about anything, Fry.

What's on your mind?

Well, it's about my friend Bender.

Mmm. I see.

Show me on this anatomically correct doll

exactly where he touched you.

No, it's nothing like that.

It's just that I am worried about him.

He's being playing an awful lot

of Dungeons & Dragons.

Dungeons &... Good God!

Hasn't he seen the Aferschool Special?

You've got to talk to him, Fry.

Make him quit now,

before he completely loses his mind.

-Okay, I will.

-Good boy.

Just don't let him touch you down there.

(SCREECHING)

Well, here's your problem, right here.

You've got a skull embedded in your head.

(SIGHS) You're absolutely right, Doctor.

Can the collar come off now?

Let me just peel your head a little

and see if I can get that skull out.

(LEELA GRUNTING)

(LEELA EXCLAIMING)

So, you tell me, little miss expert,

why always with the temper?

Calm down for once and think.

Here, enjoy a relaxing spritz

from my empathy bladder.

What is it, already?

What's the cause of your anger?

I guess I would have to say, I hate you.

I'm beginning to understand.

It all goes back to your parents.

-What?

-You have a resentment

because they pushed you

to study medicine,

when all you ever wanted

was to be a song-and-dance man.

(ZOIDBERG HUMMING)

(SOBBING) Why? Why?

I was raised in an orphanarium.

My parents are sewer mutants

who I never even met

until a few years ago.

Then you've got to go to them

and work this song-and-dance stuff out.

Maybe have them cook me nice dinner.

No scallions. I hate them.

-Amy, cancel my appointments.

-Stop calling me.

Bender, please don't get mad,

but I think you might be playing too much

Dungeons & Dragons.

You're absolutely right, Fry.

I almost went insane,

but after this heart-to-heart talk,

-I've decided to quit.

-Really?

Whew! That's a load off my toad.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I'm off to slay the werewolf

of Goblin Mountain.

(EXCLAIMING)

On guard, man-wench!

Prepare to cross blades.

(lN MALE VOICE)

You couldn't afford it, honey.

(GRUNTING)

Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure

in the name of the fancy men.

HERMES:
He also left a small pile

of treasure on the living room rug.

Foul dragon, meet thy doom.

(GROANING)

-Would you like a napkin, Doctor?

-Thank you.

Satisfied, Zoidberg?

My relationship with my parents is fine.

Now, hold on, Leela.

Maybe this torture collar is good for you.

What? Ow!

It'll control your temper.

Men like a woman who's not always

slamming their head in the car door.

She's right. That's what first attracted me

to your mother.

So, Leela, I understand your friend here

is a physician,

and I'm not seeing a ring on his claw.

Mom, he's a cockroach from outer space.

(LEELA SCREAMING)

Good, Leela, work that anger out.

Excuse me a moment,

I'm swarming with parasites.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, it's what's-his-name from the surface.

The bi-clops.

Have you seen Bender? He's gone nuts.

Also, smell this milk.

Prepare for a surprise attack.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Someone do something.

I would, but... Ow! Take my collar off.

I can't, I'm still eating.

Help me, Leela.

(GASPING)

I cast upon thee a spell of fireball!

(BELCHES)

(EXCLAIMS)

No.

Not the spork.

Beholdeth, Titanius,

I cast a freeze ray upon you.

(SCOFFS) That's ridiculous.

There's no such thing as a freeze ray.

-What, you mean a cone of coldness?

-Yeah, that.

No! No! Fancy men are defenseless

against cone of coldness.

(EXCLAIMING)

I'm freezing... What?

Bender, no.

When will young people learn that

Dungeons & Dragons

won't make you cool?

Relax, Fry. I'm a doctor.

I'm sure the robot

will be just fine with a little help.

Help, help.

Help!

(ECHOING)

Please, send in the patient.

Yes, Doctor.

So, Bender, I understand you're having

trouble separating fantasy from reality.

Says who? Was it the bugbear?

-ls he talking about me again?

-I understand.

Commence therapy.

Tell me about your feelings.

FRY:
Poor Bender.

Says here to tell his friends he's at a spa.

-So what happened to Bender?

-He's at a spa.

Wow, there's a spa in the nut house?

Friends, friends, stop everything.

There's food in this shaker.

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