Futurama: Bender's Game Page #3

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Ow!

Enough already!

Can you please remove this anger collar?

-Are you still angry?

-No. Ow!

It also shocks you when you lie.

Quiet, everyone. The network news is on.

And if l, a 165-year-old man,

don't watch it, who will?

Thankfully, the amazing talking horse

was rescued

and safely returned

to the meat department.

Turning to the less stupid portion

of our broadcast,

fuel prices hit an all-time high today

due to the ongoing dark matter shortage.

Earlier, our own Morbo

sat down with Mom,

CEO of Mom 's Friendly

Multinational Energy Conglomerate.

Oh! Hello, Morbo the Annihilator, here,

sitting down to a delightful tea

in this fake living room set.

(SHOUTING)

Thank you for joining us, Mom.

My pleasure, sugarplum.

Mom, you control the world's

only dark matter mine.

Tell us, why are fuel prices so high?

Oh! It's terrible, isn't it?

Dark matter is just so rare nowadays,

but we'll keep pinching loaf after loaf

from the bowels of the earth,

even if I lose money on every log.

If you are losing money, how did you

post record profits last quarter?

(CLEARING THROAT)

You look thin, care for one of my

famous pecan clusters?

Morbo shouldn't. It will go straight

to Morbo's gargantuan forehead.

Oh, what the heck? I guess I could destroy

one or two of them.

Do people care enough to drill

for dark matter

even in an Alaskan wildlife refuge?

People do.

Greedy old hag, taste the wrath

of my fuzzy slipper.

Professor, why are you so hot and dusty

over this dark matter shortage?

(EXCLAIMING)

I bet you'd like to know.

I bet you'd like to know, indeed.

Hello, Mother. How did the interview go?

It made me want to puke my face off.

-Where's my Thigh Blaster?

-Right here, Mom.

-Shut up!

-Okay, thank you.

Burn, you damn thighs. Burn!

Mommy, are you upset

'cause of the dark matter shortage?

There is no shortage,

you moronic ass-brain!

There's not? But you said...

(MOM SIGHS)

Allow me to explain. Suppose this hand

represents current reserves of dark matter

and this hand represents

consumer demand.

Uh-huh.

I just bet you'd like to know

why I'm so angry

about this dark matter shortage.

I bet very much you'd like to know.

You're right, Professor.

We would like to know.

Really? I didn't think anyone

was interested.

It all started 30-odd years ago.

I was working in Mom 's laboratories

for the third time

afer twice before realizing

how evil she was

and vowing never to work for her again.

(UNCHAINED MELOD YPLAYING)

But somehow the rich,

wrong stench of her boney charms

kept calling me back.

(ALL EXCLAIM DISGUSTEDLY)

Don't stop, Professor. I'm getting aroused.

Back in those days, dark matter

was just a worthless inert curiosity,

and I was smashing it

in a particle accelerator,

in an ill-conceived attempt

to create a more durable harpsichord wax.

But, as Deepak Chopra taught us,

quantum physics means

anything can happen at any time

for no reason.

Also, eat plenty of oatmeal,

and animals never had a war.

Who's the real animals?

And thus against all probabilities,

it happened.

Dang!

I'm sure I don't need to explain

that all dark matter in the universe

is linked in the form

of a single non-local meta-particle.

(EXCLAIMING)

Stop patronizing us.

So, in one instant, I had transformed

all dark matter everywhere

into a new crystalline form...

Making it the most potent fuel

since primitive man first ignited

mastodon flatulence to heat his cave.

I'm intrigued, Hubert.

You have my undivided attention.

(MOM EXCLAIMS)

(BABIES CRYING)

Shut up, you milk-sucking leeches!

A new super fuel, eh?

-We're rich.

-Lndeed, we are.

Not you, we. Us, we.

I'm getting back together

with my ex-husband.

Wernstrom!

You've been played, Farnsworth.

Played like a cheap harpsichord.

Walt, fire that employee

like Mommy taught you.

(WALT GIGGLING)

(FARNSWORTH SCREAMS)

Professor, maybe I can help you

get even with Mom.

I spend most of my time thinking about

how to get revenge on a bad boss.

-Me, too.

-Likewise.

I made a blinding powder.

Thanks, but that won't be necessary

because I have the ultimate weapon.

You see, in the instant

the energy crystal was created,

there also came into being

an opposite crystal

made of pure anti-backwards energy.

-Wow!

-Wow!

-So?

-So, this!

If ever the two crystals should meet,

their wave functions would collapse

like Raymond Burr's trampoline,

once again rendering all dark matter

inert and useless as fuel.

But then we'll have no fuel.

But once we free society

from dependence on Mom's dark matter,

scientists will finally care enough

to develop cleaner, alternative fuels.

Scientists like you?

No, not me.

I'm too busy developing makeup for dogs.

That's where the money is.

This is our chance to teach Mom a lesson.

Come on!

Let's take the anti-crystal

and shove it up Mom's regular crystal.

-Yeah.

-Fight the power!

There's just one, small problem,

and it's a big one.

I hid the crystal

and I can't remember where.

Well, surely it's just a matter of waiting

till you next move your bowels

-and then using a potato masher...

-Don't you think I already tried that?

No. I'm afraid, the crystal is lost forever.

Nine? You did it.

You outwitted the fungus.

Who needs girls?

Since you have all proven resistant

to individualized hammer therapy,

I now prescribe group therapy.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Everything must be clean, very clean.

That's why the dog had to die.

He was a dirty dog. Dirty, dirty.

Also, that boy, Elroy. Dirty, dirty.

Who would like to share their feelings?

-I feel unappreciated at work.

-What?

-I can barely understand you.

-I said I feel...

Change places.

Well, well. Looks like old Roberto

is the focus of attention now.

Stop looking at me.

(EXCLAIMING)

Calm down, Roberto.

Tell us about your childhood.

I was designed by a team of engineers

attempting to build

an insane robot. But it seems they failed.

VENDING MACHINE ROBOT: Actually...

(COUGHING)

Look, we have to accept the fact

that we all have a serious problem.

And if we ever wanna get out of here,

the first step is to admit it.

-Amen.

-Good, Bender.

-That's right.

-Yes.

There's a band of river trolls

living in the moat,

and they may have no intention

of letting us out of this castle,

unless we hand over

the Golden Scepter of Zanthor.

Say what? Dude's crazy.

-Bender, please, try to...

-I know not of this Bender.

I am Titanius lnglesmith,

fancy man of Cornwood.

You are suffering a breakdown. Now stop.

Hammer time.

I'm in your seat.

I forgot we had changed places.

Change places.

FARNSWORTH:
Good news, everyone!

-You perfected dog mascara?

-Far from it.

If you ask me, they look like

a bunch of hookers.

But what I have invented is a means

of locating the missing crystal.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

When I push this button, the crystal

will emit a high-frequency stink.

Hurray!

There. Now, with any luck

I'll detect it with my smelling aid.

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