Futurama: Bender's Game Page #4

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(TRACKER BEEPING)

I just pray to all powerful Atheismo

that we find it before Mom does.

-Do you smell the crystal, Professor?

-No, damn it!

Just the alluring scent of Obsession

for spaniels.

-Dude. Who whipped an egger?

-He who smelled it, dealt it.

Yeah? Well, he who denied it, supplied it.

Well, he who articulated it, particulated it.

Well, he who refuted it, tooted it.

Stalemate.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

Jesus craps. The anti-backwards crystal.

Ow!

-Sorry?

-Relax, it's not your fault.

MOM:
I can't believe it still exists.

Google the hell out of that skanker.

Planet-sucking-Express?

Of course.

How could I have been so dumb?

With that crystal,

Farnsworth could completely destroy

my dark matter empire.

I underestimated that sagging

old bag of bones and gonads.

-ls that man bad?

-Very bad, lgner.

And that's why I need you three to go

steal the anti-crystal away from him.

But be careful.

You'll need all your stoogely cunning.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

-Exterminators.

-Oh, great.

What do we got?

Wall gophers? Toilet snails?

No, I'm afraid you've got owls.

Over there, see?

Ow!

Dump the bag, you nitwit.

-Hey, watch it.

-Quiet, you.

Ow!

I was looking over there for a long time

but I didn't see any...

Oh, there they are. Gross.

We've got to act fast.

Larry, get out the geigersniffer.

I don't know, Walt.

You're just gonna hit me with it.

No. I'm going to hit you with this.

(LARRY AND WALT EXCLAIMING)

(FRY LAUGHING)

-Those three exterminators are hilarious.

-Really?

-I don't think so.

-Me, neither.

Now, Sex and the City, that's funny.

DWIGHT:
After wandering aimlessly

in the swamp, you suddenly...

Wander aimlessly in the swamp.

(DOOR OPENS)

(TRACKER BEEPING RAPIDLY)

There it is.

Excuse you.

As you apparently didn't notice,

we're trying to traverse

the Quagmire of Slogdonia.

I'm sorry, little boy.

You see, we're owl exterminators.

We are owl...

Ow!

And what we have here is an owl egg

that's about to hatch into an owl larva.

So, if you don't mind,

we'll just take this and...

(SCOFFS) What are you, stupid?

That's a dodecahedral crystal I found

hidden in the downstairs walrus tank.

And I wrote numbers on it

so we could use it as a D12.

'Cause I have the best handwriting.

-Do not.

-Do too.

-Do not.

-Do too.

You win this round.

What's going on here?

We're owl exterminators.

Then you won't have any problem

exterminating this owl.

(HOOTING)

(OWL SCREECHING)

ALL:
Please!

(SNIFFING)

(GRUNTING)

My anti-backwards crystal.

So it's you three.

I should have known Mom would send

her brainless brood to do her dirty work.

-Walt, the leader among imbeciles.

-Hey!

They resent that.

Larry, the sniveling middle child.

Sorry. Thank you.

And you, lgner. The evil I could tolerate,

but the stupidity...

(FARNSWORTH SHUDDERING)

-We're owl exterminators.

-Good God.

Just knowing we're in the same genus

makes me embarrassed

to call myself homo.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Now, get out and tell Mom

thanks for the crystal.

Thanks for the crystal.

FRY:
There. The repairs are complete.

(SHIP HORN HONKING)

Let's go, already.

We've got to infiltrate

Mom's dark matter mine, now.

How do you start this thing?

(SHIP HORN HONKING)

Good lord, woman.

Can you move any slower?

Rake up some dark matter

and top off the tank.

Well, there isn't any dark matter.

Nibbler hasn't pooped at all.

And he ate a whole family

of koalas last night.

Nibbler! Nibbler!

I'm not interested in the whereabouts

of your cutesy-fruitsy space rat.

The only thing that matters right now

is this crystal.

Ow!

And be careful with that crystal.

(ALARM BLARING)

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Death to ogres!

Even relaxation therapy has failed.

Diagnosis, insanity.

Nurse, schedule a robotomy for Bender.

Yes, Doctor.

I'll get the tools from the shed.

It's a very painful procedure.

So until then, just try to relax.

(ALARM BLARING)

-What are you laughing at?

-Your laugh.

-It's just so infectious.

-So's herpes. Now, shut up!

You and Walt,

lead the killbots to the surface

and blow Farnsworth out of the sky.

What about lgner?

That hairless ape?

I swear. When he came out, I flipped a coin

whether to keep him or the after-birth.

Yes, Mother.

You told that story at his graduation.

I'm afraid he can't be trusted

on this mission.

You see, there is a terrible secret

about lgner I've never told anyone.

And here it is.

(lNAUDIBLE CHATTERING)

-Continue returning fire.

-What?

-What did they say?

-I don't know. I can't hear a thing.

Hey, what's everybody talking about?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

FARNSWORTH:
Mayday! Mayday!

Oh, God. I cannot believe

this is the best plan I could come up with.

We weren't actually in the ship.

Okay, team, these red-hot,

razor-sharp fans

are the only safe way into the mine.

Ladies first.

Whew! That blade missed me

by the skin of my pants.

-Maintenance shaft 7 serving...

-Shut your mouth.

I'm just talking about the shaft.

(EXCLAIMS)

-Jeez. Doesn't that shock collar hurt?

-Actually, feels kind of good.

I guess I'm starting to associate it

with the pleasure of beating people up.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

We shot them down, Mother.

The intruders never even got to Sector 1.

COMPUTER:
intruders in Sector 15.

Intruders in Sector 15.

Ugh...

Sometimes I don't know why

I even bother to slap you.

(ALARM BLARING)

-MOM ON PA:
All killbots to Sector 15.

-What did she say?

What did you say?

There are so many killbots behind us,

I can't count them all.

Three, I think.

We're trapped.

The main pit must be in here.

I'm detecting vast quantities

of dark matter.

Step aside turkey-neck.

I think I know the code.

We're in. We're in the heart of the mine.

The very source of all Mom's wealth and...

(SCREAMING)

LEELA:
My God! This isn't a crap mine.

It's a crap farm.

Is there really so much of a distinction?

-I mean...

-Leela, it's me, Nibbler.

(LEELA GASPS)

Oh, my God, you look horrible, Nibbler.

I think I'm going to vomit.

Nibbler is over there.

Oh, sorry. Nibbler.

Oh, sorry. Nibbler.

Oh, my poor little snuzzy-wuzzams.

Are they treating you okay?

No, they are force-feeding us

so we poop more dark matter.

It's horrible.

(CLUCKING)

(BELCHING)

Those are good.

You've got to help us.

-Help us!

-Help us, for God's sakes!

(WHINING)

-Nibbler made a bo-bo.

-Yes, but not on my terms.

I will not be treated like...

Hey, wait, aren't you amazed I can speak?

Well, actually, no. You forgot to blank

our memories after you spoke last time.

You mean you've known I was sentient?

Then why did you let me eat Friskies

and make bo-bo in a litter box?

-Well, you're cuter that way.

-Cute as a baby's buttocks.

So what happened?

How did Mom capture all you Nibblonians?

(SIGHING)

It all began 36 years ago... Now!

On the planet Virgon 6...

It was a veritable Eden,

brimming with unique

and irreplaceable species.

Most of which were delicious.

I was supreme fuzzier

of a Nibblonian scientific outpost.

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