Futurama: Bender's Game Page #5

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It was paradise, until they came.

One of your duke ships struck dark matter,

little realizing it was not a natural deposit,

but rather centuries

of Nibblonian fecal material.

Wow, the big fecal enchilada.

Anyone else hungry?

The duke contracted

a ruthless businesswoman

to spearhead the mining operation.

-Let me guess. Mom?

-The very same.

Can I also guess Mom?

To reduce cost

she started a new enterprise,

Mom 's Friendly Robots,

to build robot slaves.

Remember this was back in the days

before Robot Lincoln.

-Faster, faster!

-I'm going exactly

-as fast as you built me to go.

-Wise guy, huh?

ROBOT:
Ow!

NIBBLER:
Eventually, the planet was mined

down to a hollow shell

and my people were forced to evacuate.

Alas, I had eaten a day-old

swinosaur for lunch.

And while doing some evacuating

of my own, I was lef behind.

(NIBBLER EXHALES)

MOM:
So, that's where it comes from.

We may have a whole new source

of dark matter on our hands.

Ew!

NIBBLER:

As it turned out, I was the lucky one.

Unbeknownst to me, Mom captured

my colleagues and enslaved them here

in this crap farm.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

There's nothing to do but eat and crap,

eat and crap. It's like visiting my parents.

NIBBLER:
As for me, I emerged

from behind the bush of many uses

to find I had been lef behind.

I was doomed, doomed.

Hello, there.

Startled, my cuteness reflex kicked in.

I'll call him Nibbler.

NIBBLER:
A silly name

for a high-ranking fuzzier.

But, hey, I was glad to be rescued.

But then, how did you end up here

with the others?

I was kidnapped yesterday

by Mom's vile sons,

in their moronic disguises.

I was an owl exterminator.

(ALL GASPING)

-Do you have the crysal?

-It's pronounced "crystal," you lump.

(DOOR UNLOCKING)

Go, run fast.

(DOOR OPENING)

Did you see anyone?

-Me?

-Yes, you. You're the only one here.

If I'm the only one here,

then how could I see anyone?

-He's got a point, Walt.

-So does my knee.

(COUGHING)

This wouldn't be so bad

if it weren't for the chickens.

Don't worry, those clamps

are for my own protection.

Do you know where you are, Bender?

Sure do, I'm in the magical land of

Cornwood, frolicking with wenches.

Close, you're in the loony bin

for a robotomy.

I will begin by drilling through the eye

to access the frontal processor.

-Can't you just use the access panel?

-Either way is fine.

(SNIFFING) Does anyone else smell

burning dragon beak?

(ALL GASPING)

MOM:
Wherever you are, Farnsworth,

my boys will find you.

They've eluded us, Mother.

But rest assured,

we've already slapped each other,

so there's no need to...

You'll thank me some day

when you are slapping your own kids.

I know Farnsworth's game.

He is going to try to poke

his clammy old crystal

-at my hot fiery crystal.

-Mom!

If the crystals get within six inches

of each other... Wham!

All my dark matter will be worthless.

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Get them!

Keep going, Professor.

I'll take care of the ditz brothers.

(LEELA EXCLAIMS)

Ooh.

-That feels good.

-Oh, for crying out...

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Oh, the freaking battery's dead.

Walt, where's the charger?

In the hardware drawer, Mother.

Damn tangled mess of wires.

We're almost there.

The crystals are beginning to engorge.

I can't quite reach.

Fry, grab onto my easy-fit waistband.

Just a few more inches.

Come on, really wedgie it on in there.

So, that's why they call me the Catman.

Nobody move. I've found the charger.

(ZAPPER CLICKING)

Hang on. I'm on it. Okay, there!

Save us, Catman.

It's over, Hubert.

Give me the anti-backwards crystal.

Never!

(COUGHING)

Oh, bravo.

You're in a crap-harvesting factory, genius.

Walt! Larry! Start harvesting.

No!

I will now delicately

jerk out your imagination,

severing fantasy's grip

on your nerd-circuit.

BENDER:
Cornwood!

Illogical. Illogical. Computational overload.

But, Doctor, I love you.

Oh, what now?

(ALL SCREAMING)

This is crazy. Ow!

-What the... You okay, Leela?

-Yeah, I think so.

Wait a second. Is there something

different about your hooves?

(GASPS)

Oh, Lord. I'm half-horse and half-naked.

Where the hell are we, hell?

(HORSE NEIGHING)

-Bender?

-I know not of this Bender.

I'm Titanius lnglesmith.

Welcome to Cornwood!

(BOTH GASPING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Wretched peasants, put aside your cares

and feast on the succulent flesh

of the roast munchkin!

(BOTH EXCLAIM DISGUSTEDLY)

Care for a slice of scroto?

-That's his name, right?

-'Tis also that, sir.

We're honored this eve

by a visit from my friends of old,

Frydo and Legola.

So let the dwarves do their gay dance

and let the gnomes

play their sissy piccolos.

Dance! Dance, you little freaks.

Faster.

Faster!

(SCREAMING)

-My ankle!

-To the kitchen with him!

Wait! Wait! Wait! I do impressions.

Behold! The swamp hag.

Get out of my swamp, you kids!

Don't let him get too crispy.

-Lord lnglesmith.

-You have ridden hard, noble squire.

May I offer you a horn of ale

and a shank of dwarf?

'Tis dire news, sire. Dark riders approach.

(BENDER GASPS)

You shall be handsomely rewarded,

sir knight.

We ride at once!

Oops!

Frydo! Saddle up that trusty steed.

What's happening?

And why am I enjoying it so much?

Foul beast-bags!

Meet thy doom!

(BENDER SCREAMING)

Follow me.

(FRY GROANING)

(EXCLAIMING)

-Damn thee, lgnus.

-Well, you said to follow you.

Well, now I say follow this!

(BOTH GROANING)

(GROANING)

-The die of power! He's rolling it.

-Oh, no!

(GASPING) I'm back...

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Seven.

BENDER:
"Banish foes"? Cool.

No! No!

I got to say, I had no idea

the die of power was so powerful.

Did you have any idea of...

Get out of my swamp, you kids!

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but that was really exciting.

I've never felt so alive.

(COUGHING)

What else can we slay?

Is that a hobbit over there?

No, that's a hobo and a rabbit.

But they're making a hobbit.

Thank God, an outhouse.

I can't hold it in much longer.

And by it, I mean my entrails.

Hush! This be no outhouse,

but the lair of the great wizard Grayfarn.

-Who is it?

-'Tis l, Titanius.

Just a moment.

(EXCLAIMS DISGUSTEDLY)

Methinks the wizard be casting

a powerful spell, indeed.

(PANTS ZIPPING)

Come in! Come in!

Yes.

'Tis a powerful object in both our worlds.

If you failed to destroy it in yours,

perhaps you were brought here

that you might have a second chance.

-So, this land is real?

-Oh, dreadfully real.

If you die here, you'll really be dead.

But instead of science,

we believe in crazy hocus-pocus.

-It's like Kansas.

-God help us.

Cornwood's troubles began

hundreds or perhaps millions of years ago.

Deep in the Geysers of Gygax,

Momon herself

injection-molded the dice of power

from the living plastic.

Damn, these are hot.

LEELA:
In our universe she's called Mom.

In your universe,

are you taught not to interrupt?

Evidently not.

Anyway, Momon spawned

three rotten sons,

whom you've already had

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