Futurama: Bender's Game Page #6
the displeasure of meeting.
Waltazar, Larius, and the dumbest of all,
the halfwit lgnus,
bastard son of Momon
and the brainless He-demon.
Curse you, Momon, queen of all that is evil
and not very good in bed.
And I'm not just saying that
because she dumped me.
Yes, I was once her consort.
I was blinded by love,
and later, scorpion venom.
I'm blind!
But Momon has one weakness.
She put too much of her power into this.
The generalissimo of dice.
Yeah? Well, bite my shiny metal face.
Don't be foolish, Titanius.
If you had paid attention
in freshman alchemy,
instead of frequenting the bawdyhouse,
you'd know
there's only one way to destroy it.
In the boiling plastic
from which it was molded.
Like that machine
that makes wax lions at the zoo.
Quiet, you.
We must infiltrate the Geysers of Gygax,
the impenetrable stronghold of Momon.
Impossible. Impossible, I say.
No, Titanius.
For we maintain one advantage,
the element of surprise.
(LAUGHING)
(SNAKES LAUGHING)
Verily, our quest has begun.
Stop right there.
(ALL GASPING)
Hermes?
-He's a centaur like me.
-You wish.
I am Hermaphrodite,
most beautiful of centaurs.
Gaze upon me and weep at my loveliness.
Very well.
Loveliest of centaurs,
we seek to end Momon's reign of evil.
Have you stout fighters at your command?
One thousand archers of truest aim.
Fire.
Hey guys, I forgot I had this pumpkin.
I knew it. My people are mighty warriors.
Our enemies will be like Swiss cheese
with blood coming out of the holes.
(ALL BLEATING)
-We centaurs are creatures of peace.
-Oh, Lord.
Violence is never justified.
We shall not join your quest.
And furthermore,
if mayhem be your intent,
you may not cross our lands.
-Or what?
-Or...
Uh... Mmm?
You may pass.
We're not there, we're here.
-No, this way.
-I mean, here.
Thank you, kindly, Treedledum.
Okey-doke. Anything else I can do?
You know who I'm gonna miss?
That tree guy.
Bad news, fancy men.
Momon's guards stand watch at the pass.
'Tis as if she somehow anticipated us.
And so our quest comes to an end.
I only regret not giving up sooner.
Fret not, Titanius.
For we still have one hope,
the Cave of Hopelessness.
Let me know how that turns out.
Halt. Are you on the list?
I'm not seeing you on the list.
-I'll split this doofus in half.
-Wait. I got it.
Yeah. My cousin's in the band.
The band of merry men.
Please, we were already in there.
I just need to go back for my coat.
(GASPS)
I am Gynecaladriel,
queen of the water nymphos.
All right. I'll split this doofus in half.
Stand aside, and I will use my powers
to overwhelm the guard.
(BENDER HUMMING)
(OGRE SNORING)
-Behold, the deed is done.
-Ho!
Mr. Wizard, why is this place
called the Cave of Hopelessness?
Oh, fear not, lad.
'Tis named for its discoverer,
Reginald Hopelessness...
Whew!
The first man to be eaten alive
by the Tunneling Horror.
What's that? The Tunneling Horror?
No, it's morks.
-Mork. Hey, listen.
-Nanu, nanu. Shazbot.
-Oh, God, no. They're so aggravating.
-Oh, fantastic.
Nanu, nan...
Reality, what a concept.
(MORK EXCLAIMING)
MORK:
Fantastic.(MORKS CHATTERING)
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
-Shut up! Shut up!
-Oh, fantastic.
Oh, fantastic. Oh, wonderful.
Maybe it'll go away
if we just don't laugh at it.
It doesn't.
MORK:
Nanu, nan...Shazbot.
Well, at least we didn't have to face
the tunneling whatchimacallit.
FRY:
Uh-oh.Enough already with the banging
and the swashbuckling.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you.
Watch where you're shooting that thing.
Again?
What, am I talking to myself over here?
Mutilate!
Okay. Now, I'm getting a little mad even.
I'll kill you and eat your heart,
you abomination.
Don't make me laugh.
The very idea that removing only
one of my two hearts could...
Hey, what are you doing down there?
Now, I'm dead.
Leela, it's over. You killed him enough.
I'm not taking any chances
with the Tunneling Horror.
What? I'm not the Tunneling Horror.
I hate that guy.
Always with the tunneling.
Anyway, I'm dead.
So, you're just an innocent monster.
Oh, God. What have I done?
(RUMBLING)
Oh! There he goes again.
(MONSTER GROWLING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
The Tunneling Horror!
(RETCHING)
Grayfarn, what do we do?
Do about what?
Why aren't you killing it, Leela?
You love killing.
No, no more killing.
Oh! So, suddenly, Miss Goody Four-shoes
over here doesn't kill anymore.
She killed me not five minutes ago.
-What am l? Chopped liver?
-Shut up.
-Stop chopping my liver.
-You're on your own.
(SOBBING)
I refuse to hurt another living thing.
(EXCLAIMS)
(LEELA CRYING)
(BENDER SHOUTING)
All right.
I may be weak and I may be small,
but I don't see
how I can possibly destroy that monster.
Guess I'll just
huck whatever's in my pockets at him.
At least I can say I tried.
BENDER:
Any time now.The die of power.
I forgot to remember to roll it.
(ALL GASPING)
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Three.
"Grow"? I don't see anything growing.
Everything is getting smaller.
Ow.
Wait a second. I'm big!
In your face, everyone from middle school.
Especially, Jeremy.
(SCREECHING)
Wow, that was intense.
-You guys got to try the die of power.
-I'll take a hit.
Hands off the dodecalicious.
(SNARLING)
Beware, Frydo. Don't be seduced.
Hang on a second.
Resist the allure of the die.
For to defeat Momon,
we must melt it in the super bombastic,
bubbling plastic from whence it came.
For to defeat Momon,
we must melt it in the super bombastic,
bubbling plastic from whence it came.
I send you to kill them
and they're not even maimed?
That's what I get
for sending boys to do a mom's job.
-Sorry, Mom.
-Sorry doesn't put heads on my table.
Peaches.
You're up.
I like this part but I don't like...
(BOTH SNORTING)
You are an able opponent, Hermaphrodite.
But hear me well
when I posit that we must
abhor violence in all its forms.
(ALL CHEERING)
I offer a dissenting opinion.
ALL:
Huh?For abhorring violence
is itself an act of violence
and, therefore, to be abhorred.
(ALL CHEERING)
All bow before mighty Hermaphrodite.
-Don't hurt me.
-I'm not here to hurt you.
Or anything ever again.
Please, teach me
the centaurs' ways of wimpiness.
What do you offer in return?
(CHEWY CHEWYPLAYING)
MAN:
(SINGING) Chewy, Chewy, Chewy,Chewy, Chewy, Chewy, Chewy.
Baby, always got a mouthful
of such sweet things to say.
Oh-ie little Chewy
Don 't know what you 're doing to me.
But you 're doing to me what I want you to.
Y es! We made it out
of that godforsaken cave.
Now, what's the fastest way home?
Back through the cave?
Ow! Ow!
FARNSWORTH:
We're close now, my friends.
So close, I can practically feel
the heat of the fiery molten plastic.
-You're standing in the fire.
-Oh, my.
(FARNSWORTH EXCLAIMS)
Alas, our path is blocked
by Momon's army of evil.
As well as her navy of moral dubiousness.
Wait a second.
Mayhaps we might
raise an army of our own.
We're but
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"Futurama: Bender's Game" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2025. Web. 24 Jan. 2025. <https://www.scripts.com/script/futurama:_bender's_game_8713>.
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