Futurama: Bender's Game Page #7

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an hour's ride from Wipe Castle.

Of course. Wipe Castle.

And while we're there, we can get

some of those greasy little dwarf burgers.

Ooh! I love those.

You can eat like eight of them

without gaining any weight,

because of all the diarrhea.

Sleep deep, fair snoozles.

At dawn, we ride for Wipe Castle.

(HOWLING)

Quiet, Frydo.

(SOFT HOWLING)

We've got them now.

-Send all our forces against Wipe Castle.

-Right away, Mother.

I'll just leave a small contingent behind

in case...

-I said, everything. Peaches!

-I'm in the tub.

Waltazar,

you and Larius shall lead the assault.

What about lgnus?

I'm afraid

he can't be trusted on this mission.

You see, there is a terrible secret

about lgnus

I've never told anyone.

And here it is.

(lNAUDIBLE CHATTERING)

(GASPING)

It's a good day to be evil.

Oh, put a towel on, for crap's sake.

They all wants it.

They wants the dodecalicious.

Tell you what,

you want to defend a magic artifact,

and I mean, defend it good,

then what you need is a top-quality knife.

Me is listening.

The Eviscerator is one of the finest,

if not the finest,

tactical folder on the market today.

We're talking 440 stainless,

quick release and... I don't believe this.

Is this a stag horn handle at this price?

-It is, yeah. It's a stag horn.

-At this price?

You have got to be kidding me.

That's got to be some kind of mistake,

right there.

Now, you folks at home,

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, that can't be stag horn.

It's got to be the cheaper manticore horn.

But, I've got the specs right here

and I'll tell you what,

-this is the real deal.

-Unbelievable.

It is unbelievable. That's exactly what it is.

I mean, this is...

I have no words to describe this deal.

Honestly, have you ever seen

stag horn at this price?

No, no, I don't believe I ever have.

1101-1816 is the item number on this one.

You know what, we're gonna have to

put a clock on this deal, folks.

Two minutes. Can I get a clock

at two minutes up there?

Two minutes at most.

Honestly,

I'd be surprised if they last that long.

Oh, I'd be very surprised, shocked really.

Now, I know the lines are busy, people,

but keep dialing in if you want

a truly exceptional knife

to slice up your friends in their sleep.

(BOTH GASPING)

He tried to murder me. He tried...

Oh, cool. Is that the stag horn?

(HISSING)

Alas, Frydo's weakness

was no match for the die's strength.

We can only hope he forges on

alone to the Geysers.

I can hope my ass is made of ice-cream

but that don't make me

a hot fudge sundae.

As for us,

we must press on to Wipe Castle,

though the journey be long

and I fear I may not live to see it.

There it is!

(TWIG SNAPS)

They's following us's.

You know, you talk like that, it's gonna

cost you points at a job interview.

What does it wants?

First of all, I resent being called "it."

I prefer jerkhole or simply...

(EXCLAIMS DISGUSTEDLY)

Second, I thought I could help you

destroy the die, maybe.

Yes, yes, please help me.

The die is tearing me apart.

No, it's not. We're having a nice time.

Shut up. You shut up.

S'all right? S'all right.

Help me!

Get out of my swamp, you kids!

(FANFARE PLAYING)

(PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC)

Now, before your audience with the king,

there's a shocking fact

you best know about him.

Enough blabbety-blab! Open the doors.

What, ho?

We bring ill tidings, o fanciest of men.

Momon's reach nears the die of power.

And should she obtain it,

she will then have the entire basic set.

Rivers will run red with blood

and yellow with urine.

And a dog will be seen eating cat food

in the land.

Oh, great king,

your army is the last hope of Cornwood.

Let us join forces before the light of good

is extinguished forever.

You calling me crazy?

Just 'cause I've got a hotel in my foot

don't make me a...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

-Pardon?

-Stop laughing at me, fried avocado.

(KING EXCLAIMING)

Moving along then,

as the only nobleman present who's not...

I hereby place myself

in command of the royal army.

-What royal army would that be?

-What?

King went insane

and declared war on the scallops.

Tied his army to a boulder

and pushed them into the sea.

They never returned.

Scallops must've got them.

Oh, well. There'll be no epic battle today.

(HORN BLOWING)

(ALL GASPING)

Methinks we be boned.

(OGRES SHOUTING)

Where's their army?

Maybe they didn't hear the horn.

Blow it again.

Man, I'll show that cat how to blow.

All right. On three. One, two, three.

Oil in the murder hole.

What are they pouring

through the murder hole? Hot oil?

Yeah, I think it might be hot oil.

I knew it. I was right, Walt. It's hot oil.

(BABBLING)

(OGRE SCREAMING)

Ow!

What the... You're not made of Tuesday.

My sanity. It's back.

At last, I can live the life I always...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(BANGING)

MAN:
Ahhh!

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

You're going onto sainthood.

Just call the chef.

(ALL GASPING)

-What does it mean?

-Lt is as we feared.

-Evil will soon triumph over good.

-Your friends face certain death.

Followed by a disrespectful

marionette show

performed with their corpses.

-No! We've got to do something.

-Believe me, we will.

We've taken out a sternly worded ad

in tomorrow's Cornwood Times.

(EXCLAIMS)

(ALL GASPING)

What a load of man-horse manure.

Well, Legola, if you have a better idea,

perhaps you'd like to challenge me to

debate.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I'm too exhausted. I can't go on.

I'm here for you, my friend.

I'll drag you onward.

Even to my last ounce of strength.

Grab onto my testicles.

You know,

I think maybe I can walk after all.

MOM:
That's not Wipe Castle.

(GASPING) The dodeca-call is coming

from inside the house.

(GRUNTING)

What are you waiting for, Frydo?

Throw it already in the boiling plastic.

-I would. But...

-Me's enjoys owning it.

Stop talking like that. It gives me anxiety.

Ow!

(GASPING)

No!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Twelve.

So, it's all come down to this.

A dungeon and dragons.

I didn't see it coming.

Wait.

OGRES:
(SINGING) Eat the wizard,

eat the slut.

Eat the robot's shiny butt.

Well, at least

we'll be remembered in song.

Wait a second. I have an idea.

I surrender. Here, eat my friends.

Just give me one more second

of sweet, sweet life.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, that worked out

pretty good, eh, fellows?

Prepare to fire again, brave cowards.

I still say, I won the debate.

Fire.

Uh-oh.

Whew!

Legola, you saved us.

How can I ever repay you?

(BENDER GROWLING)

(EXPLOSION)

(BOTH GASPING)

Frydo is fighting for his life.

The fate of Cornwood is in our hands.

Quickly, to the Geysers.

-Can it wait a couple of minutes?

-Yes. Yes, it can.

You are no match for my dragon style.

I guess you are

a match for my dragon style.

Tell me, Frydo,

are you aware that a dragon's

one weakness is its soft underbelly?

No. Why do you...

(SCREAMING)

LEELA:
Get my friend out of your mouth.

It is all over, Momon.

We'll soon be down there defeating you.

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