George Carlin: Doin' It Again

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So you want to talk about it?

Oh yeah.

It all started in 1977.

I mean,

that's when I started

doing it regularly.

How many times

have you done it?

Six times.

I've done it six times.

Why do you do it?

I don't know.

It's like I can't help myself.

What does your family think?

Thank God my

family doesn't know.

But how'd you get caught?

They were taping me.

Taping you?

Yeah.

Every time I did it,

they had a tape running.

Jumbo shrimp,

those words don't

even go together, man.

That's like

military intelligence,

they have that, too.

How did they do that?

That's what they tell you,

get on the plane,

get on the plane.

F*** you,

I'm getting in the plane.

I wonder a lot of things,

but that's my job.

My job is

thinking up goofy sh*t.

Al Sleet here, your

hippie dippie weather man

with all the hippie

dippie weather, man.

Got into an argument

with my Rice Krispies.

I distinctly heard

Snap, Crackle, f*** him.

Have a nice day.

And the original list was

sh*t, piss, f***, c*nt,

cocksucker,

mother f***er and tits.

This was all I could

think of in one sitting.

That's all your house is,

is a place to keep your stuff

while you go out

and get more stuff.

But here's a little cheer,

a lot of people like it,

it goes like this,

rat sh*t, bat sh*t,

dirty old twat.

69 a**holes tied in a knot.

Hurrah, lizard sh*t.

F***.

I never f***ed a 10,

but one night

I f***ed five 2s.

Does it strike

you as mildly ironic

that most of the people

who are against abortion

are people you wouldn't want

to f*** in the first place?

And now they're thinking

about banning toy guns,

and they're going to

keep the f***ing real ones.

Thank you,

thank you very much.

Welcome to our show.

Don't you think it's

just a little bit strange

that Ronald Reagan had

an operation on his a**hole

and George Bush

had an operation

on his middle finger, huh?

Huh?

What are these two

men trying to tell us?

Now I'd like

to begin tonight

with an opening announcement.

Because of the FCC,

I'm never sure what it is

I'm allowed to say,

So.

So I now have my

own official policy.

This is the language you

will not be hearing tonight.

You will not hear me say,

bottom line,

game plan,

role model,

scenario,

or hopefully.

I will not kick back,

mellow out,

or be on a roll.

I will not go for it,

and I will not check it out.

I don't even

know what it is.

And when I leave here,

I definitely will not boogie.

I promise not to refer

to anyone as a class act,

a beautiful person,

or a happy camper.

I will also not be

saying, what a guy.

And you will not hear me

refer to anyone's lifestyle.

If you want to know what a

moronic word "lifestyle" is,

all you have to do is realize

that in a technical sense,

Attila the Hun

had an active,

outdoor lifestyle.

I will also not be

saying any cute things,

like moi,

and I will not use

the French adverb trs

to modify any

English adjectives,

such as trs awesome,

trs narly, trs fabut,

trs intense,

or trs out of sight.

I will not say concept

when I mean idea.

I will not say impacted

when I mean effected.

There will be no hands on

state of the art networking.

We will not maximize,

prioritize or finalize,

and we definitely

will not interface.

There will also...

There will also be

no new age lingo

spoken here tonight,

no support group jargon

from the human

potential movement.

For instance, I will not

share anything with you.

I will not relate to you,

and you will not

identify with me.

I will give you no input,

and I will expect

no feedback.

This will not be a

learning experience,

nor will it be

a growth period.

There'll be no sharing,

no caring,

no birthing,

no bonding,

no parenting,

no nurturing.

We will not establish

a relationship,

we will not have

any meaningful dialogue,

and we definitely will not

spend any quality time.

We will not be

supportive of one another

so that we can get

in touch with our feelings

in order to feel

good about ourselves.

And if you're one

of those people

who needs a little space,

please, go the f*** outside!

We will,

we will, however,

be talking about

those little moments

that seem to last forever.

Have you ever been

in a serious social situation

when you suddenly realize

you have to pull the underwear

out of the crack in your ass?

Do you take this woman

to be your lawful wedded wife?

Huh?

Who, her?

Oh, hell yeah.

Well, it's one of life's

little moments, isn't it?

It's one of those

little moments

you have to deal

with at the time.

You can't postpone that.

You can't put that off

and be walking

around like this.

You've got to get in there

and clear that thing out.

You've got to

rescue your underwear.

There's a letter

in your mailbox.

That's right.

And you have to rectify

that situation

so that you can move along

to your next

embarrassing moment,

which is probably

scheduled immediately.

That's the way life is,

full of those little moments.

Everybody knows them,

everybody recognizes them.

You ever been at

a really loud party,

I mean, a good loud party

where the music

is playing too loud

and everybody is

talking too loudly,

and in order to be heard

even by the person

standing right next to you,

you've got to be screaming

at the top of your lungs.

But every now

and then at a party,

it seems as though everyone

shuts up at the same time.

And only your voice,

can be heard.

Right, I know.

I know.

Well, what I'm going to do,

I'm going to have

my testicles laminated.

Life's little moments.

You ever been

talking to someone

and you laugh

through your nose

and blow a snot

on your shirt.

And you have to just

kind of keep talking,

you know,

and make believe

it's part of the design.

Works all right if you're

wearing a Hawaiian shirt,

but otherwise

they're going to notice.

Ed, you got a big

snot on your shirt.

Some guys are

really cruel, you know.

And some of these things

are not even your fault.

These little

things that happen,

you didn't cause

the situation,

a lot of time

you're the victim.

You walk into

some situation,

and suddenly you're the one

who's taking all the heat.

Not your fault.

Give you an example of

the kind of thing I mean.

Did you ever meet somebody

and you go to

shake the guy's hand

and you suddenly realize

he doesn't have

a complete hand?

And you got to make

believe it feels great,

Right, you can't go ahhhhhhhh,

ahhhhhhhh!

Ahhhhh!

You can't do that.

It's not even an option.

You got to hang

in there and say hi,

hey, swell hand.

Give me three.

Hi 3, yo!

Not your fault.

You didn't cause that.

You weren't even there

when it happened to the guy.

You were probably

out walking your dog,

which is what

I'm usually doing,

walking my dog.

Because I love my dog.

I love all my dogs.

I love every dog I ever had.

I remember them all,

and I love every one of them,

still love all my dogs.

And I've had me a

lot of God damn dogs.

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