George Carlin: Doin' It Again Page #2

---

In my lifetime I have had me

a bunch of different dogs.

Because you do keep getting

a new dog, don't you?

You just keep getting

one dog after another.

That's the whole

secret of life.

Life is a series of dogs.

It's true, you just keep

getting a new dog, don't you?

That's what's good about them,

they don't live too long.

And you can go get

a new God damn dog.

Sometimes you can get a dog

looks exactly like the dog

you used to have, right?

You shop around a little bit,

you can find a dog

identical to your former dog.

And that's real handy

because you don't

have to change

the pictures on your

mirror or anything,

right?

You just bring the dead

one into the pet shop,

throw him up

on the counter,

say give me

another one of them.

That was real good.

And they'll give

you a carbon copy

of your ex-God damn dog.

Now, my favorite dog

that I ever had in my

whole lifetime was Tippie.

Tippie was a good dog.

Some of you remember,

I've talked about Tippie.

Tippie was a good dog.

Tippie was a mixed terrier.

You know that word mixed

that the veterinarian

puts on the form

when even he don't know

what the f*** you got.

You bring in a little mixed

puppy to a veterinarian

and say, what is it?

He'll say, well,

it's definitely not a monkey.

Tippie was actually

part Dodge Dart.

Poor Tippie was full of guilt,

so much so in fact she's

the only dog I ever had

who committed suicide.

Yeah, well, we don't say it

like that around the house.

We say she put

herself to sleep.

But she ran out in

front of a milk truck.

That's f***ing suicide.

But that was her decision.

That's what

Tippie wanted to do.

And that's the way

it is in our family,

if you want to commit suicide,

we back you up.

So we supported Tippie

in her little

suicide decision,

then we brought

her into the pet shop,

threw her up on

the counter, and said,

give us something bigger.

We're trading up.

We was looking for

a bigger God damn dog.

Because Tippie

had been teenie,

even before

the truck came by.

The truck had

made her teenier,

wider, but teenier.

And we was looking for

a bigger God damn dog.

Not too big, you know,

I don't like a dog

who's bigger than I am.

It's bad enough looking

for sh*t in one direction

without having to duck

flying turds as well.

A good rule of thumb is

keep the dog's

a**hole below eye level.

So we compromised,

and we got us a mid-sized dog,

knee high, just about

like this size here,

best size you can

own, by the way.

Most people know,

this is the ideal

size dog to have.

You know why,

anybody comes to visit you,

the first thing

that dog does

is take his nose and put it

right in their crotch.

Oohh, oohh,

he smells my dog.

No, Marge, I don't believe

that's the animal he has in mind.

And people get

embarrassed by that,

especially the

owner of the dog.

The owner's the one

who's saying stop that,

stop that, will you

stop that now, stop it.

I'm awfully sorry about this.

Not me, I say, get in

there and get some of that.

Get in there and sniff

that thing out, go on.

Listen, would you mind

spreading your

legs a little bit

so he can get right in there?

Yeah, stand like this for

a little while, would you?

Okay, looking good now.

So how's your mom

and dad doing, anyway?

Well, God bless them,

it's a wonderful couple.

Go around the back,

check it out in the back.

Sniff that other

thing in the back there.

What's that?

Well, there's two

different smells he likes,

what can I tell you.

Don't pay him no attention,

he'll be finished in

just about half an hour.

So listen, Reverend,

it's real nice of you to

come and call on us like this.

Every one of us is always

glad to see you around here,

especially that God damn dog.

Those dogs are great,

they'll break the ice

when a new

neighbor comes to call.

Hi, we're the Johnsons.

What's his name?

Ball Sniffer.

He's a crotch hound.

Let me know if you

want to get circumcised,

he's on duty

till 5:
00 o'clock.

Dogs are a constant

source of entertainment.

Did you ever have a

dog that ate cat turds?

Some of them do,

some of you must know that?

Did you ever have a

dog eat cat turds?

Yeah.

Of course you got to

have a cat, you know.

You can't be buying cat

turds at the supermarket.

But it's true, some dogs

will eat cat turds, yeah.

Don't let them

lick you that day.

Get a bottle of

Listerine for him.

Try to make him gargle.

Pour it down his throat

and tell him to howl.

Come on, howl,

howl, God damn it.

Stomp on his tail.

Howl, I said,

God damn it, howl.

Oh, dogs are a lot of fun.

Did you ever have a dog

that ate a bunch

of colored balloons

and then he takes a sh*t

and it's real decorative like?

Or sometimes at Christmas

they'll eat some tinsel

and take a shiny sh*t.

Wow, look, mom,

can we hang it on the tree?

Well, it is considered

good luck in some cultures.

Here's a little

household hint for you.

This will help you

clean up after your dogs.

Feed your dog a

lot of rubber bands.

Put a lot of rubber bands

in with his regular food,

then when he takes a sh*t,

there's usually a little

loop in the end of it.

You just pick it

up by the loop,

do you know what I mean?

Throw it in the

neighbor's yard.

Yeah.

That's why I travel around,

give these little

household hints.

Bet you never read

that one in Heloise, huh?

Yeah, about time for me to

get a little drink of water.

Figure this stuff

is safe to drink.

Huh?

Actually, I don't care

if it's safe or not,

I drink it anyway.

You know why?

Because I'm an American,

and I expect a little cancer

in my food and water.

That's right.

I'm a loyal American,

and I'm not happy

unless I've let

government and industry

poison me a

little bit every day.

Let me have a few hundred

thousand carcinogens here.

Ah.

A little cancer

never hurt anybody.

Everybody needs a

little cancer, I think.

It's good for you,

keeps you on your toes.

Besides, I ain't

afraid of cancer,

I had broccoli for lunch.

Broccoli kills cancer.

A lot of people

don't know that,

it's not out yet.

It's true, you find

out you got some cancer,

get yourself a f***ing

bowl of broccoli,

that'll wipe it right

out in a day or two.

Cauliflower, too.

Cauliflower kills

the really big cancers,

the ones you can

see through clothing

from across the street.

Broccoli kills

the little ones,

the ones that are slowly

eating you away from inside,

while your God damn

goofy half-educated doctor

keeps telling you,

you're doing fine, Jim.

In fact, bring your doctor

a bowel of broccoli,

he's probably got cancer, too,

probably picked

it up from you.

They don't know

what they're doing,

it's all guesswork

in a white coat.

Here, let me have a few more

sips of industrial waste.

Ah,

maybe, maybe I can turn them

cancers against one another.

That's what you got

to hope for, you know,

that you get more

than one cancer

so they eat each other

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes