George Carlin: Doin' It Again Page #4

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when you wake

up in the morning.

Here's something

you ought to say

just before you

go to sleep at night.

Here's something we always say

on the third Wednesday in April

after the first full moon in Spring

at 4:
00 when the bells ring.

Religion is

always suggesting

things you ought to be saying,

same with political

groups of all kinds,

political activists,

anti-biased groups,

special interest groups

are going to suggest the

correct political vocabulary,

the way you ought

to be saying things,

and that's where

the feminists come in.

Now, as I said,

I got nothing

against the feminists.

In fact, I happen to agree

with most of the feminist

philosophy I have read.

I agree for instance

that for the most part,

men are vain,

ignorant, greedy,

brutal a**holes who've just

about ruined this planet...

Who've just about

ruined this planet

because they're afraid

someone might have a bigger

dick out there somewhere.

Men are basically insecure

about the size of their d*cks,

and so they go to war over it.

You don't have to be

a political scientist

or a history major

to see the bigger dick

foreign policy theory at work.

It goes something like this,

what, they have bigger d*cks?

Bomb them.

And of course,

the bombs and

the bullets and the rockets

are all shaped like d*cks.

I don't understand

that part of it,

but it is part

of the equation.

So I agree with that

abstract, that man,

men,

males,

have pushed the technology

that just about has this

planet in a stranglehold.

Mother Earth, raped

again, guess who?

Eh, she was asking for it.

I also happen to like it

when feminists attack

these fat ass housewives

who think there's

nothing more to life

than sitting home on the

telephone drinking coffee,

watching TV and pumping out

a baby every nine months.

Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom,

ba boom, ba boom.

Will seven be enough, Bob?

Ba boom, ba boom.

But what's the alternative?

What's the alternative

to pumping out a

unit every nine months?

Pointless careerism?

Putting on a man tailored

suit with shoulder pads

and imitating all the

worst behavior of men?

This is the noblest thing

that women can think of,

to take a job in a

criminal corporation

that's poisoning

the environment

and robbing customers

out of their money?

This is the worthiest

thing they can think of?

Isn't there something

nobler they can do

to be helping

this planet heal?

You don't hear much about that

from these middle class women.

I've noticed that most

of these feminists

are white, middle class women,

they don't give a sh*t

about black women's problems,

they don't care

about Latino women.

All they're interested in

is their own

reproductive freedom

and their pocketbooks.

But when it comes to

changing the language,

I think they make

some good points,

because we do

think in language.

And so the quality of our

thoughts and ideas

could only be as good

as the quality

of our language.

So maybe some of

this patriarchal sh*t

ought to go away.

I think spokesmen

ought to be spokesperson.

I think chairman ought

to be chairperson.

I think mankind

ought to be humankind.

But they take it too far.

They take themselves

too seriously.

The exaggerate.

They want me to call

that thing in the street

a person hole cover.

I think that's taking

it a little bit too far.

What would you

call a lady's man,

a person's person?

That would make a

he-man an it person.

Little kids would be afraid

of the boogie person.

They'd look up in the sky and

see the person in the moon.

Guys would say come back

here and fight like a person,

and we'd all sing,

For It's a Jolly Good Person.

That's the kind of

thing you would hear

on Late Night with

David Letterperson.

You know what I mean?

So I think it's

an exaggeration,

and I like to

piss off any group

that takes itself a

little bit too seriously,

and it does not take

a lot of imagination

to piss off a feminist.

All you got to do

is run into

N.O.W. Headquarters

or Ms. Magazine and say,

Hey, which one of you

cute little cupcakes

wants to come home

and cook me a nice meal

and give me a blow job?

Blow job.

Oh, that pisses them off.

You want to piss

off a feminist,

call her a cum catcher,

that'll get her attention.

Ah, don't act disgusted,

don't act disgusted,

half of you are

going to go home

and go down on each

other tonight, remember?

If you're willing

to swallow cum,

let's not make believe

something I said was

disgusting, okay?

All right.

Let's not have a

double standard here,

one standard

will do just fine.

Now, speaking of blowj*bs.

Do you know why

they call it a blowj*b?

So it'll sound

like it has kind of

a work ethic attached to it.

Make you feel like

you did something

useful for the economy.

Long as I'm being

a complete pig up here,

let me ask you

guys a question.

Let me ask one

question of the men.

Are you ever able to watch

a woman eating a banana

and not think

about a blowj*b, huh?

I can't do it.

I can't do it, and I know

why, I'm a sick evil f***,

I know that.

I accept that.

But I can't do it.

Eating a banana,

eating a pickle,

licking on an

ice cream cone.

I'm saying to myself,

look at the

tongue on her, wow.

So you women be careful

when you're standing out

in front of that Hagen Daas,

because God damn

it, we're watching.

And God damn it,

we're thinking.

Another woman's

issue, prostitution.

I do not understand

why prostitution is illegal.

Why should

prostitution be illegal?

Selling is legal,

f***ing is legal.

Why isn't selling

f***ing legal?

You know,

why should it be illegal

to sell something

that's perfectly

legal to give away?

I can't follow the

logic on that at all.

Of all the things

you can do too a person,

giving someone an orgasm

is hardly the worst

thing in the world.

In the Army,

they give you a medal

for spraying Napalm on people.

Civilian life,

you go to jail for

giving someone an orgasm.

Maybe I'm not supposed

to understand it.

I got strange ideas anyway.

You know what I think

they ought to do with that

Miss American contest?

I think they ought to make

the losers keep coming

back until they win.

I'll tell you.

That would get a little spooky

after about 35

years or so, huh?

I just want to

work on world peace.

Fine, sit down before

you fall down, will you?

And pick up all

these Goddamn batons.

I got a lot of ideas.

You know what I think?

I think Kleenex ought to

have little targets on them.

Wouldn't that

be a good idea,

little bulls eyes right in

the middle of the Kleenex,

make it kind of sporting

when you're with your friends.

(Blowing nose sound)

Look Dave, an 85.

That's a good idea.

I got a lot of good ideas.

Trouble is,

most of them suck.

I got a lot of good ideas

for new products like that.

That's what I think

about on my off duty hours,

things we need,

products we ought to

have that we don't have.

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