George Carlin: Doin' It Again Page #5

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You know what

we ought to have,

we ought to have

a diet salad dressing

called 500 Islands.

See, good God damn

ideas, like that, huh?

A Christian deodorant,

Thou Shalt Not Smell.

How about a feminine

hygiene spray called Sprunt.

Huh?

Well, you'd never

forget the name, would you?

It would always be on the

tip of your tongue, see?

Marketing, marketing,

that's where I belong,

among other places.

Marketing.

Here's an idea I got.

This is a yo-yo

with a 2,000-foot string.

You use it when you

visit the Grand Canyon.

See, I'm a visionary,

I'm ahead of my time.

Trouble is, I'm only about

an hour and a half ahead.

Here's a good idea,

a light bulb

that only shines

on things worth looking at.

Yeah, kind of too idealistic,

never make any money

on a thing like that.

Here's something that's

going to make you a fortune,

get in on this.

This is a roach spray,

it doesn't kill the roaches,

but it fills them

with self-doubt

as to whether or not

they're in the right house.

Yeah.

Here's something

I'm trying to interest

the Japanese

electronics firms in this.

This would be a

great product for Sony.

This is a combination

cassette player

and colostomy bag.

It's called Shitman.

Huh?

Sure.

Well, you never see that.

You never see that.

You never see a guy

jogging down the street,

listening to a Shitman.

No, that's one of those

things you never see.

There's a lot of

things you never see.

And you don't know

you don't see them

because you don't see them.

You got to see something first

to know you never saw it,

then you see it and say,

hey I never saw that.

Too late, you just saw it.

I know things you never see.

You never see a Rolls Royce

with a bumper

sticker that says,

sh*t happens.

You never see

a really big tall,

fat Chinese

guy with red hair.

You never see a wheelchair

with the roll bar.

You never see

someone taking a sh*t

while running at full speed.

And you never see a picture

of Margaret Thatcher

strapping on a dildo.

You'll never see it.

That's one of those

things you never see.

Then there are some

things you never hear,

that makes sense.

Some things you never hear.

You never hear this,

Dad, you really

ought to drink more.

Here's something you

don't hear too often

Do what you want to the girl,

but leave me alone.

Here is something

no one has ever heard,

ever,

ever.

As soon as I put this

hot poker in my ass,

I'm going to

chop my dick off.

You know why you

never heard that?

Right, no one

ever said that.

Which to me is the

more amazing thing,

no one ever thought to

say that before tonight.

I'm the first

person in the world

to put those words together

in that particular order.

First guy, number one.

Here's something

you don't hear too often,

Honey, let's

sell the children,

move to Zanzibar

and begin taking

opium rectally.

Mom?

Mom, I got a

big date tonight,

can I borrow a

French tickler from you?

Then there are some things

you don't want to hear.

Some things you just

flat don't want to hear.

You don't want to come

home from work and hear,

honey, remember how

we told the children

never to play on

the railroad tracks?

You don't want to be sitting

in your doctor's office

and hear this.

Well, Jim,

there's no reason why

you shouldn't live

another 20 to 30 years.

However, you will be bleeding

constantly from both eyes.

Here's something

I don't want to hear,

I'm pregnant,

you're the father,

and I'm going to

kill all three of us.

Calm down,

have some dip.

Honey, it's the police.

They have a search warrant,

and the 300 kilos of cocaine

are still sitting

out in the living room.

Here's something

nobody wants to hear,

nobody wants to hear this.

Try to think back

to when this was

appropriate to your life.

You and your fianc

have been invited to

your mom and dad's

house for dinner

for the first time.

Halfway through dinner,

your fianc

stands up and says,

I'll be right back.

I got to take a dump.

There seems to be

no really gentile way

of announcing

publicly a dump.

And frankly, I'm not

impressed with people

who tell me what

they're going to do

when they go to the

bathroom in the first place.

Doesn't it bother you,

people that announce it,

I'll be right back,

I'm going to take a sh*t.

Never mind.

Do what you have to do

and leave me out of it,

and don't describe it

when you come back.

Boy, you should have seen...

Never mind.

It set off the smoke alarm.

Never mind.

I have never

understood that,

nor have a cared for it.

Something else

I don't care for,

these organ donor programs.

That sh*t bother

you a little bit?

Sounds like

Josef Mengele's

been sitting on some of

those meetings or something?

Organ donor programs.

The thing that bothers

me the most about it is

they're run by the

Motor Vehicle Bureau.

I figure, hey, sh*t,

you got to wait on a line

that long for a kidney,

f*** it, do without.

It's the Motor Vehicle

Bureau in most states

who send you the little card

you're supposed to carry

right next to your wallet,

right next to your

driver's license,

in your wallet,

little card.

You're supposed

to fill it out

and on it you're

supposed to list

the organs you're

willing to give

in case you die.

Are these people out of their

f***ing minds or something?

Do you honestly believe

that if a paramedic

finds that card on you

in an automobile accident,

he's going to try

to save your life?

Bullshit, he's looking

for parts, man.

Absolutely.

Look, Dan,

here's that lower intestine

we've been looking for.

Never mind the oxygen,

this man's a donor.

Bullshit, they want

something of mine,

they can have my

rectum and my anus,

that's all I'm giving,

take them and get out of here.

Put them in your bag and

get the f*** out of my life,

that's all I'm giving.

I don't want some guy

poking around in me,

hoping I die.

I want to live.

I don't want to die.

That's the

whole secret of life,

not dying.

I figured that sh*t out

alone in third grade.

And don't be pulling

any plugs on me, either.

Here's another bunch of

macho a**hole bullshit

floating around

this country,

people talking about

ah, pull the plug on me.

If I'm ever like that,

if I'm comatose,

if I'm like a vegetable,

pull the plug on me.

F*** you,

leave my plug alone.

Get an extension

cord for my plug.

I want

everything you got,

tubes, cords, plugs,

probes, electrodes, IV's,

you got something,

stick it in me, man.

You find out I got a

hole I didn't know I had,

put a f***ing plug in it.

Vegetable, sh*t,

I don't care if

I look like an artichoke.

Save my ass.

There's three things I want

if I'm ever

in that condition,

three things

I got to have,

ice cream,

morphine

and television.

You give me that ice

cream every two hours,

give me that morphine about...

every ten minutes,

and turn on the f***ing TV.

I want to see Geraldo.

And don't be

coming to visit me,

I got no time for life people,

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