Girlfriend's Day Page #2

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And instead of using words

like "my love" or "my wife,"

I need you to use the word...

"girlfriend."

Listen, I... I can't promise

anything, you know.

There's good money here for you.

[sighs]

Here's an advance.

I'll pay you triple freelance rate.

Listen, I...

I know I said a lot of

nasty things about you.

I just want you to know

I was just being

really, really honest and...

Yeah.

Thanks.

Hey, I might need to get

into the office,

get some of my

old notes and such, okay?

Sure. After hours.

Make sure you use the back door,

the one with the broken lock.

- Ray.

- Yeah.

- This is hush-hush.

- Yeah.

So put the f***in' money away.

[soft chuckle]

[distant helicopter flies near]

[police siren wails]

[distant woman argues]

[car horns and alarms blaring]

[dogs barking]

You know, if you had it,

then you can get it back.

And I believe that.

Do you remember the first card

you ever wrote?

Eight years old.

It had macaroni on it.

Glued on the front.

Was it for your mom, or...?

Mother's Day.

Did it at school.

It had a heart on it, and, uh...

crayon color.

It was a mess.

What did it say inside,

do you remember?

"I love you, Mom.

Come back soon.

Your son, Raymond."

Come back? Where'd she go,

on a trip, or...?

She died.

She had a thing.

I don't...

She only had a few weeks

left to live.

They kept saying to me

that she was going away.

"Your mom is going away."

Like I was supposed

to understand that.

[scoffs]

I just thought she'd be coming back.

Well, did she like it?

She loved it.

I think they buried her with it.

Yeah.

[voices murmuring]

[microphone feedback rings]

[Madsen] Okay, y'all ready

to get your poems on?

[low growl]

She barks.

Light.

Stop.

Light.

Brumble brumble.

She rants and she raves,

unmuffled by mufflers.

Loud is my truth.

Light. Stop. Light.

[spectator]

That's right. Okay.

And my hog loses balance...

falls to the pavement.

I weep.

Stop!

[microphone feedback rings]

Light.

That one's called Stop Light.

[subdued applause]

Please stick around.

There's more to come.

[women tittering]

[song playing on jukebox]

So, Ray, uh, what'd you think?

Of what?

Of the poem.

Well, your motorcycle

tipped over on you.

There was more to it than just that,

but, yeah, that was at the core of it.

We loved your poem.

Yeah. Well, she loved it

more than I did, but...

- I loved it.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, thank you, ladies.

Pretty great.

Who's your friend?

Oh, uh, this is Ray.

Yeah, he writes, too.

Or wrote, I guess.

Romance cards.

Some really great ones.

- Wow.

- I love romance.

Romance and thank-yous.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Big Ray here used to be the best...

The Bill Shakespeare of romance cards.

Ah, but he's single now.

His wife left him for...

Harold Lamb.

Oh, I know who Harold Lamb is.

Oh, yeah. So you know the guy

that draws Optimistic Owl.

He knows me.

Ladies, um, do you guys

want to get a booth,

maybe, um,

talk about some poetry?

- Yes.

- Sure!

[Madsen chuckles]

Bro, lose the bitter act.

It ain't gonna get you laid.

Please. Tell me how to get laid.

[Warez]

Drew, turn this up!

In other news today, Governor Speakman

made a big announcement.

Listen up, everybody.

The governor's on.

Today I am pleased to announce

the state of California

will establish a new holiday:

Girlfriend's Day,

an occasion for men,

and women as well,

to tell their favorite lady friend

just how much she means to them.

This was my niece Coco's idea.

We're going to hold a contest

to see who can write

the most romantic card

to initiate the new holiday.

"In an effort to inject new blood

into the failing greeting card industry,

the governor is limiting contestants

to amateurs and...

out-of-work professionals."

That is you, my friend.

Circled the paragraph for reference.

Look, maybe it was

providence you got fired.

Lucky me.

You know, what I loved about your class

is that you always made us write.

You know, actually write in class.

Yeah, that was so I could write.

I know. It was something to see.

I want to see you do it again.

Truth is, I haven't written

anything good in three years. I...

Three years.

Gosh, that is... that's a bummer.

Wonder what could have happened

three years ago that would have

crushed your spirit.

I wonder if it was maybe when

your wife left you for another guy.

- It's not that.

- It is that.

It's not that.

- 'Tis.

- It's not.

It's like talking

to one of my seventh-graders.

Ray.

You gotta forget about Karen.

I have.

Look, I only see her

when it's legally mandated.

You're not still

picking up the cat, are you?

Oh, sh*t. What day is it?

- Saturday.

- Ah. Gotta go.

You hate cats.

You're not an animal person.

- That includes humans.

- Alquiler, let's go.

Don't do it, Ray.

Thanks for the advice.

Come on, Denny.

Karen, Ray's here!

Well, I guess I should invite you in.

[Ray chuckles]

Sorry. Out of ice.

That's okay. I like it warm.

How's business, Harold?

Ah, well, quite good, actually.

I don't know if you've heard, but they're

doing a spin-off of one of my...

I was kidding.

Karen!

[Harold plays piano]

Say, I've been meaning to ask you,

uh, do you get a cut

off those wonderful rip-offs

I see of your work all over town?

I'm sorry.

Sure, you must have seen 'em.

Uh, the owl's getting the B.J.

Or he's biting the head

off your chicken character.

- What's her name?

- Cordelia.

Yeah. You must have sued

those guys, right?

Oh, there's one where two owls

are pissing in each other's mouths.

I must have seen that

on 12 trucks today.

[Harold strikes false note]

Oh. If it isn't the only two men

I've ever slept with.

[Harold]

Finally!

How are you, Ray?

I see you still haven't lost

your talent for pissing people off.

Tell me, when you make love,

does he make you wear an owl costume?

Or does he wear the costume?

No one's in an owl costume.

You're missing out.

Here's Tony. Give him his medicine

and have him back on Saturday.

I don't know why the judge

just didn't make you keep him.

Because you insisted

that we share custody.

God.

Hey.

Why?

Why'd you do it?

Why did you leave me for this

cardboard cutout?

For a romance card writer,

you weren't very romantic.

I never brought my work

home with me.

You should have.

Nice. That's good.

Ray...

Bye.

Bye.

[soft knock on door]

Denny.

I need the kid. Pays the rent.

Who?

Let's go.

- Oh, my God.

- Let's go.

[song playing on jukebox]

More booze.

Can I have a vodka soda, please?

Hello.

- I like your tat.

- Oh.

I saw it on the back

of a truck once.

I thought it was cuckoo.

It is... cuckoo.

You're not, though, are you?

Excuse me?

You're not cuckoo, are you?

I...

- I'm... I'm Ray.

- I'm Jill.

You're not Ray Wentworth, are you?

The card guy?

"Dear wife.

That's all. I just love

saying 'Dear wife.'

Happy anniversary."

- I wrote that.

- I know.

I'm a weirdo for cards.

That's why I come here.

How many cats do you have?

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