Grandma's Boy

Oh, boy.

F***! Stop hitting me!

This is like if Tyson

fought an infant.

Ooh!

I can't wait to punch you in the face

while you're sleeping tonight.

Get up! Get up!

- Saved by the bell.

- Come on, let me get in a bong hit before round two.

Oh! Look at that ass.

Hey! Hey!

I spilled the bong! Stop!

Boom! Knocked you out!

Eat it, whore!

You cheated, you dick.

No, I didn't.

Oh! The bong water reeks.

Yeah, maybe if you cleaned it, it wouldn't

smell like your girlfriend's ass.

What's going on, fellas?

- What's up?

- How's it going?

Um, who are you and why

are you in my kitchen?

Oh, your landlord, he, uh, hired us

to pick up your stuff.

This is bullshit!

It's like Cypress Hill

concert in here.

I don't rent to

those kind of people.

Yuri, what the hell's going on?

- Alex, how are you?

- I'm good.

Hmm. Well, for last six months,

you no pay me rent.

So now, I no longer

let you stay here. Okay?

All right, my friends, pack up everything,

put on truck, okay?

No, no. That's impossible.

We've never missed a payment.

Every month, I giveJosh

hundreds of dollars of my money...

...and then he writes you

a rent check, right,Josh?

I love them so much.

You love who?

The girls at Madame Kamay's

Filipino Palace.

You've been spending

our rent money on Filipino hookers?

They're not hookers.

They're massage therapists.

They'll massage

your cock for money.

- There's a word for that. I think it's "hooker. "

- You're a hooker!

Whoa, wait.

Listen, Alex, I make you

special deal, huh?

I give you five minutes to pack up

all your sh*t you don't want thrown away.

And if you take one extra minute,

I have my two friends...

...they take your testicles

and remove them through your anus.

Deal? Nice man.

Okay, they got one minute

and then you- Okay?

I'm sorry, Alex.

I- I should have told you.

You can't whack it to Internet porn

like everyone else?

You know I don't have

a credit card.

So where you going?

I'll go to Dante's and see

if he'll let me stay there. What about you?

Madame Kamay said I could stay

at the Palace.

- You're sick.

- I know.

- Where's the bong?

- Alex!

You forgot smoking lamp.

I'm sorry.

Was that expensive piece?

That's your fault too.

Yo, Dante, pick up.

Josh is killing me.

Where are you?

I'm sick of talking to your machine.

Why aren't you home? I need you.

Hey, Alex.

Don't you answer your phone?

I've been calling for half an hour.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was putting up

my Christmas tree.

Dude, it's July.

- Get the f*** out of here. It is?

- Yeah. And, uh...

...why are you naked?

Oh, my God.

I am naked! Come on in!

Dude, your ass is

tanner than my face.

That is pure f***ing insanity.

Yeah. I know.

He got addicted to hookers.

No, I'm talking about

the guy who threw your bong.

You should never

throw a bong, kid. Ever.

Yeah, well, anyway, I was wondering if maybe

I could crash here for awhile.

Whoa. I don't know, man.

I got a business to run.

This is like my office

as well as my home.

Plus, the lion comes

in a couple days.

- You're getting a lion?

- Yeah.

- Why?

- To protect my sh*t.

Never heard of a dog?

Dude, you can get past a dog.

Nobody fucks with a lion.

Yeah, that's true.

So what kind of weed

do you want?

I got the Incredible Hulk, I got

some of the green monster, I got the bling.

Hey! We go through this

every time I come here.

I don't care what it's called.

I just want a bag of f***ing weed.

Whoa. Chill, bro. You know you can't raise

your voice like that when the lion's here.

Yeah. You know what? I got to bail

or I'm going to miss my cousin's wedding.

You look like a bag of sh*t.

You sure you don't wanna borrow

my birthday suit?

Thanks anyway,

but brown's not my color.

This isn't brown. I'm bronzed.

So you can't kill the demon

at the end of Level 6?

Do you have the magic arrows?

Easy. Here's what you do.

Hide behind the boulder.

When the demon comes out of the cave,

shoot him three times with the magic arrows.

Then his head will start to spin.

Once that happens...

...you jump up on the boulder,

you do a flying downward thrust...

...with the Sword of Doom

and that's it.

Level 6 is done. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Have I told you today how much I love you?

- Mmm. Hey, Grandma.

- Hi, honey.

- Ooh. You look hot.

Well, I haven't been

out and about for a while...

...so I thought

I'd step it up a notch.

- Well, it worked.

- Good. Oh, your father tells me that you need a place to stay.

- Yeah.

- Just so you know, Sophie left us two weeks ago.

So her room is available

if you need it.

- Oh, where'd Sophie move to?

- Heaven.

Ooh. Sorry. Uh, Sophie was so-

- Mean and full of hate.

- Yeah.

- So you want to move in tonight?

- You know what? That's a really sweet offer...

...but unfortunately, I promised

my friend Jeff I'd stay at his house.

- Come in. Hurry up.

- You sure this is okay?

Yeah. It's totally cool. Just keep your voice down.

My roommates are sleeping.

- You mean your parents?

- Yeah, same thing.

- Nice jammies.

- Thanks. They're a present from my roommates.

That's cool.

Here we go.

- Um, where am I supposed to sleep?

- On the air mattress.

Do you need a stuffed animal?

I have a dog. I think I have a bear.

Yeah, I have a bear.

- What are you, eight?

- At least I have my own bed.

- Your bed is a car.

- Yeah, but it's a f***ing sweet car.

My roommates said

they are gonna get me rims for Christmas.

Or a C.B. Radio. I can

talk to other car beds. That'll be hot.

Might get a stereo too.

- My sister said I should get an alarm.

- Shut up.

Gross.

Oh,yeah.

Come on, Lara. My cock is lost in the jungle

and it's up for you to find it.

Oh, Lara,you dirty,

dirty adventurer.

Come on. Let's go exploring.

Why don't you explore

my underwear, baby?

Damn,you look good.

What's under the skirt, Lara?

Oh, let's see. Huh?

Ooh, Lara, no panties?

How'd you know I liked it like that?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

- Ooh, here we go. All right. Here we go.

- Jeffrey?

- What are you doing up so-

- Oh! Oh, my God! I'm sorry!

I can't stop coming!

I'm sorry! It feels so good!

I can't believe

you came on my mom.

You might be the biggest perv in the world

right now. What were you thinking?

I couldn't sleep. I saw the doll.

So you can't wake me up

to play video games or something?

Didn't want to disturb you. You were balls deep

in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth.

I love my turtle.

Anyway, my mom said

you could still stay the night.

Oh, yeah, that's not

an awkward breakfast.

Tell her thanks. I'm just going to go

crash at the office.

- All right, suit yourself. I'll see you in a couple hours.

- Yeah.

You can keep the doll,

by the way.

Oh, I was planning on that.

Oh! My doll is a whore.

Uh, excuse me?

Hi.

Good morning. Um, I'm just looking

for my office.

Are you the new janitor?

No, I'm, uh, Samantha Garson.

I'm here to oversee the final stages of

production on "Eternal Death Slayer 3."

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