Grandma's Boy Page #3

Oh, it's so cold

when you're dead.

I swear to God I would

have helped you, Sophie.

Please don't kill me. I would have

helped you. I just wasn't here-

- Gotcha!

- Oh, my God!

- You scaredy-cat.

- What the hell are you doing, Grandma?

Well, I told you we were

going to have fun.

- Yeah.

- Sweetie?

- Uh-huh?

- Don't curse. You're better than that.

Okay. F***!

That's f***ing crazy.

Oh, God. What is happening?

What the-

What? Come on. Stop that.

Why are you doing this to me?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, rise and shine.

Go take a tinkle and be sure to

wash your hands...

- Then come down and have breakfast.

- Okay, Grandma.

Wow! That was a great breakfast.

Grandma, I'm going to go

back to sleep now.

Oh. Well, don't you

have to go to work?

Actually, I don't have to be at work

for another three and a half hours.

Oh, that's wonderful

that you have all this extra time...

...because we really could use

your help around the house.

Oh, not a problem.

What do you need me to do?

Mmm,just a few chores.

Here you go, honey.

All right, you guys, I'm gonna need you

to go all the way back...

...and recheck,

starting with Level 1, okay?

Kane, you are gonna

take 1 through 3.

- Whatever you need, Samantha.

- Barry, you'll cover 4 through 6.

Yeah, I can do that.

No problem. You're great.

Jeff, you're already working on 7 through 9,

so why don't you just stick with those.

Let's do it.

The levels, I mean. Not sex.

- Sorry.

- All right.

Alex, I need you to

deal with 10 through 15...

...because those are

the real problem levels and-

Is he sleeping?

Yes, and possibly

shitting his pants.

Wake up, dude.

No chores, Grandma!

Nice rip, Alex.

Rip what?

All right, you guys.

Come on. Get to work. It's crunch time.

- Seriously, rip what?

- Why are you so tired?

Uh, maybe 'cause I was

with three chicks last night.

Something you'd know

nothing about.

- Excuse you.

- Hey, look, it's Bono's brother.

So how'd the loser conference go?

Those losers are gonna make sure

your game releases on time.

Oh, no, of course. Uh, they're-

they're the best.

I want to get you a black cobra.

Just to go around the neck.

J.P., I got to stay

on top of these guys.

Please get on top of me.

Here, honey, I made you

someJell-O with no fruit...

'cause I know how

much you hate it.

And you got cheese and crackers

and some chocolate milk to wash it all down.

- That's great. Thank you.

- Oh, what's this?

Mmm, this is a video game I'm making.

- It's kind of like a side project.

- Oh, good for you, honey.

- Hey, you want to play it?

- Well, I don't know.

Okay.

You are so talented.

I remember the birdhouse you

made way back at grade school.

This is a little more violent

than the birdhouse. It's called "Demonik. "

You play a demon who's been summoned

from hell to clean out this meth lab.

Space shuttle.

So... This helps you look around.

This button is to punch.

This is to jump. This is to duck.

This right trigger brings up

your magic spell menu.

And the left trigger lets you

use your magic spells.

H- H-How do you

make him walk?

- Oh, that's this stick right here.

- This here?

Oh, there you go.

Oh,yeah, walk over here.

Okay, go in this room. Okay, use your

telekinesis power to lift those objects.

I don't see

a telephone anywhere.

- No, no. It's like a mind power. Hit the red button.

- Red.

Ooh, perfect.

Okay, you know what, use your fireballs

to blow a hole in that wall.

- Uh, f-f-fire.

- Yeah,yeah, that's great. That's great.

- Go in there. Go in there.

- Is this a good or a bad guy?

Uh, that's a bad guy.

He's a drug dealer. Kill him.

Oh. Oh, I hate violence.

But, oh, drugs are bad.

- Wow!

- Ooh, nice Death Spike.

Okay, now go in here and use your lightning

to blow up those barrels.

Ooh!

Oh, isn't that pretty?

- Yeah.

- Oh, this is fun.

Hey, wow, you got to

a checkpoint.

- Is that good?

- Yeah.

Well, so that's my game.

And, uh, you know what, I have a little more

work to do, so if you want to just-

Uh-uh. Wait your turn.

I'm on a roll here. Ooh.

Take that, you dirty dopers.

Hey, you know what, Grandma? Um, I actually

have to go see a friend and get some stuff.

So, uh, you keep playing,

and I'll see you later.

- Love you.

- Oh.

I can't believe there are people

in this world who still don't have cable.

- Dr. Shakalu gets it.

- Yeah, he does.

Anyways, here's a black box

that gets all the channels...

...plus pay-per-view

and a bunch of extra wires.

Just don't let a cop see it

or Grandma's doing some time.

So, uh, how do you two

know each other?

I met the doctor

at a cockfight in Pomona.

- He's hooking me up with the lion. It comes tomorrow.

- Great.

Plus, he brought over some crazy Zimbabwean

weed that'll turn you into a deer.

You know that lions

eat deer, right?

That's true, kid.

Doctor, we got to be careful.

Oh, sh*t.

I've been here three hours?

- I don't have antlers, do I?

- No. You're cool, bro.

Thanks for all this. And, Doctor?

- Ooh, sorry.

- Anytime, kid.

Oh, yes! Finally, a roommate

who goes shopping.

Chicken cutlet.

Spaghetti with garlic bread.

Oh, my God, the wings

to go with the breast.

I don't know what you are,

but I'm gonna f***ing eat you too.

Of course she doesn't have a microwave.

She's f***ing 100.

Ooh.

Yeah, Dante.

Let's see, let's see.

Good night, my friend.

Sleep well.

Ooh!

Ooh, dinnertime.

Oh, f***ing b*tch,

cock-sucking-f***er-ass-f***!

Oh! Goddamn it!

Let me guess.

Was your dick on fire?

- Yeah.

- Hey,Jeff.

- Oh, hey, Alex.

- Hey.

So, um, I-I finished my first level

last night. How far are you, Alex?

Does it look like

I got any levels done last night?

- Oh, my God.

- Geez. That's crazy.

Wait, wait. Don't tell me

your roommates did that to you.

Yeah. Yeah.

I- It was my roommates.

They, uh-They're crazy.

They're crazy. They tied me up.

I was like one of those, uh, calves

at the rodeo, all helpless.

And you know what? Just when I was about to

scream for the police, I came.

- Ohh!

- And-And that felt nice.

That is nuts. That is so hot.

Hey, you guys. Kane, can you

take a look at that for me? Thanks.

Whoa. Alex, what happened?

There was a fire and I was- I was trying

to save it from this baby-

No, he's banging his three roommates.

They tied him up last night.

They had crazy orgies,

like, all week.

I don't know what they're talking about.

They're just joking.

No, we're not.

You literally just told us that.

Yeah, well, I don't think

that's very smart...

- Considering you work with your hands.

- Yeah.

- May I see you in my office for a minute, please?

- Yeah.

- Ooh!

- Busted!

- You are so fired.

- You guys are a**holes.

- Bye.

- Hey, you know what? I-I forgot something.

- What?

- This.

Oh, my God! Are you serious?

I think he f***ing shattered it.

All right. Look, Alex,

this game has to get finished.

And you are the most experienced guy

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