Grandma's Boy Page #6

Go eat a hamburger

and choke on a cow dick.

Aw. Someone missed their yoga class

this morning. Come on. Let's go.

- Nice karma, "Guy-blow. "

- You said it wrong, stupid. It's Shylo.

- We're really sorry, sir.

- You were sweet.

Thank you, Lilly.

I still can't believe they appraised

that footstool at $200, though.

I know. Who would have thought

that was early Victorian?

I wanted to win some money.

I tried to tell you that was an old piece

of dried dog poop...

- But you didn't wanna believe me.

- Poop-poop-pi-doop.

Hey. This tea has

quite a kick. What is it?

I'm not sure. I found this

in one of Sophie's old tins...

...and I just thought it would be nice

to do it in- in her memory.

Here's to you, Sophie.

Come on, Kane. Call it!

I'm winning! I'm winning!

- I'm winning! Please! Call it!

- Merry Christmas.

- Please!

- I can't breathe! It's not a joke!

There is absolutely no way that you

could ever beat me at any video game.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

You know, while other girls growing up

were playing with Barbies...

I was beatin' my brothers

at "Super Mario. "

Ooh, "Super Mario. "

Nice name-drop.

- How long have you been a tester?

- Like 10 years?

- Wow.

- I used to be an accountant.

Then I woke up one day

and realized I was miserable.

So I walked into my boss's office

and I said, "Dad, I quit. "

"Dad. " Nice name-drop.

At the end of the day, you have to do what

you're passionate about.

Exactly.

Plus, you can't get stoned

and be an accountant.

Make too many mistakes, you lose

people millions of dollars, you get fired.

It's like-

Dude, can we go back to your grandma's

house? I have to use the bathroom.

We are not goin' to my grandma's house.

Go pee in the alley.

- I have to pee out of my ass.

- Oh, man.

You know what? It's too late to go to your

grandma's house. I should get going anyway.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not that late. It's

right around the corner. We can totally go.

It's an emergency.

Now, remember. They're probably sleeping,

so please be quiet.

Think I hear voices.

- Is that Spanish?

Numero dos. Andale.

Hey, Grandma.

I don't understand wha-

...what these people are saying.

Chi-Chi Zapata.

Chi-Chi choochy loco-co.

I didn't know

you were bringin' people.

I would have... Trimmed my antlers.

- Your grandma's hilarious.

- Yeah, she's not normally like this.

Is that beer? Can I have one?

Here, you can have all of them.

Where's the bathroom?

It's upstairs, to the left.

Oh, I love that music.

- Come here, cutie.

- Oh, hey.

Ow. My face.

Hey. Hey, Grandma?

Do you- Do you think maybe I could talk

to you in the kitchen for a second?

- Oh, sure, honey. I want a beer.

- Okay.

Come on. Why don't we have

that beer in the kitchen?

Okay, honey. Woo-hoo.

Here's a pill.

Grandma, why aren't you in bed?

Oop. Oh. Excuse me.

Well, w-we were getting-

We were getting ready for bed...

...and-and then we had

a pot of Sophie's tea.

- What tea?

- Sophie's tea, from the tin on her dresser.

Oh, we thought it would be nice to-

to drink it in memory of Sophie.

I can hear my hair growing.

You want some soup?

I- I'm okay, Grandma.

- My grandma drank all my pot.

- That is great.

I'm just saying it's cool. I mean, how many

people get to say that in their lifetime?

- Do you have any more pot?

- No.

I could definitely

smoke a joint right now.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Call that weirdo Dante.

- Yeah, call him.

Hey, easy, pothead.

I'll get you your fix.

It's cool if I invited some of my friends

from the Crazy Beaver, right?

Maybe next time you could go a little less

on the crazy and a little more on the beaver.

There's no trouble, bro.

They're people,just like you and me.

Now hit this joint

and have some fun.

This isn't the, uh,

"I think I'm a deer" sh*t, is it?

No, you're smokin' the Frankenstein.

- Why is it Frankenstein?

- 'Cause after you smoke it, you walk like this.

Need food.

Look, I'm the Cookie Monster.

What's up, homey?

Peanut butter.

I love Madame Kamay.

Let's just say I learned a lot

about owning a lion.

He learned better not own one.

- Nice English words, Dr. Shakalu.

- Thank "boo. "

Hey, Dante. Uh, my girlfriend and I caught

you on the news yesterday.

- Really?

- Yeah.

By "girlfriend", do you mean that piece of

rabbit fur you rub on your dick every night?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, man. Lookin'back,

maybe that lion was a bad idea.

That's why Dr. Shakalu's

hookin' me up with a monkey.

I'm gonna teach it tae kwon do.

Yeah, a... Karate monkey.

You know, that's probably safer.

Yeah. It makes sense.

- Who wants some cereal?

- Yeah!

Colonel Crackers is the best!

Oh, I just wish he would hop off

the box and hang out with us.

I think he's so cute.

Guess I'm not high enough

to get that one.

Guess what else

you're not gonna get, party pooper?

The colonel. Here, honey.

Sucks to be you, nerd.

Hey, has anybody got a light?

I found some weed.

- Oh, I do.

- I wanna smoke it.

- It'll be fun.

- What is this?

Ew! It's J.P.'s phone number.

- Lucky you.

- You guys heard him talk like a robot?

He's a f***ing psycho.

Hey, we gotta prank call him.

Let's prank call him.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Stupid polygon.

Debug! I tried that.

Graphic meter! No, that's not it.

Sh*t! This is not working.

You'll never finish.

This game is falling apart.

No, it's not. Shut up.

You're letting everyone down. No, I'm not.

I'm gonna make this game, and it's gonna be

the best thing that anyone has ever seen.

Delusional thoughts

from Fantasy Island.

You'll never get metal legs.

Samantha is f***ing Alex.

No, she's not!

Oh!

Hmm.

- Oh, my God.

- Hey. Look how young and cute you are.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Baby want some milk?

Baby loves milk.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, suck those jugs, kid!

They're so good.

- Oh, kick to the head.

- Yeah!

- There we go. There we go.

- What is that little baby move?

You want an ice cream sandwich?

They're on whole wheat with lettuce.

Oh, no. That's okay.

But you know what?

- I think the bikers want some in the dining room.

- Oh, okay.

- Distract me with my grandmother. Watch this.

- Yep. That's right.

"X," "Y," "X."Back-breaker!

Oh,you're dead! I killed you!

So, I mean, what's it like being old?

It's gotta be weird, right?

I mean, you saw

a lot of stuff go down:

World War I, World War II,

the automobile, Tupac- I mean-

I once gave Charlie Chaplin

a hand job.

No way! Was he silent?

Not after I was done with him.

Oh, you're so cute.

You remind me of Charlie.

You little tramp, you.

Cabo Wabo shots.

You're up first, Samantha.

I don't think so.

Tequila really messes me up.

It's supposed to. Come on.

Well, you know, if you don't do it,

I'm gonna do it...

- And that's one more thing I beat you at.

- Oh, you a**hole!

All right. Pour me one.

You know what? Pour me two.

I feel like Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

Hey, you don't really have to do two.

I was just kidding.

What's the matter,

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