Grandpa's Great Escape Page #2

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We had a new order of traffic

cones in, they're reflective.

Barry!

You know we all love you very much?

But the thing is, it...

Spit it out, airman, choppity-chop.

After what happened last week,

we thought it might be best if...

- If you came here to live with us.

- You what?

He could share my bedroom.

- Well, we can't cope with him here.

- Well, it's not a bad idea.

Er, he'd better not hog the bathroom,

- it takes me ages to crimp my hair

in the mornings. - I'm sorry, but...

I accept, though the

catering had better improve.

I'll tell the charlady.

Where am I going, again?

Our house, Dad. You're

coming to live with us.

On a trial basis.

Yeah, I live here, Peggy

won't know where I've got to.

Son?

Wing Commander...

.. due to enemy activity, the

air commander wants you to

lodge at alternative quarters.

Why didn't they just say?

Charity shop, sale, rubbish,

rubbish, rubbish, rub...

This is not rubbish.

Wing Commander? Let me

take you to the tuck shop.

Oh, jolly good.

Ah-ha, my two favourite customers,

Mr Bumting and Master Bumting.

It's Bunting.

Bumting, like I said.

Hello there, Quartermaster.

I have very special offer

for today, 15 cans of...

.. Quatro -- for the price of 14.

Er, no thanks.

What has a hazelnut in every bite? Topic!

Or any of these other bars which

melted in the window with it.

I'm quite partial to a Smartie.

Those I have, both -- traditional

and limited edition green ones.

Really, they're mouldy Revels.

Er, standard issue will be fine.

Er, you will find them

under the puzzle magazines

next to the correcting fluid.

You look troubled, Master Bumting.

Grandpa's coming to live with us.

Splendid.

I just, I worry about

whether it'll work out.

Do not fret, Indian families

always take in the older generation,

it works without fail, even

when Auntie Pia sings Wham Rap

at the top of her voice when

I'm trying to watch the snooker.

Either Grandpa comes to live with us

or he'll be sent to Twilight Towers.

Oh, no.

What?

Oh, no, no. I've heard very bad

things about Twilight Towers.

- What? - They say the only

way out of that place is...

.. in a coffin.

Do you really want to hurt me...

What a fine-looking woman.

We can't leave him in

the house on his own.

No.

Well, what are we going to do?

Tomorrow's the launch of the

Country Diary Of An Edwardian Lady

roll-on deodorant.

Well, I've got a really

big day at work tomorrow,

I've got to test all

the new traffic cones.

- Have I ever told you how

I judge them? - Many times.

Durability, colour, attractive shape.

Why did I marry you?

- Jack, you're going on a

school trip tomorrow? - Yep.

Well, you'll have to take Grandpa

with you. Where are you going?

- War museum.

- Perfect.

You can take him along.

He loves a bit of war.

Fine replicas, Squadron Leader.

I wish they were real.

The Spitfire's like nothing else,

you can turn on a sixpence.

Grandpa? When you...

Er, we need to listen

out for enemy aircraft.

That's Shelley's stupid boyfriend Dazza.

Mum, I mean, the air commander,

says lights out by 9:00.

I hope you don't snore,

I can't abide snorers.

- I don't think I do.

- Well, goodnight, Squadron Leader

and thank you for sharing your

quarters, very decent of you.

Glad to help, sir. Goodnight.

Right, everyone, Rubik's

Cubes down! Eyes up, looking!

Looking!

I want to remind everyone that

this is an educational trip,

we will not have a repeat of

the tomfoolery at the zoo...

I don't want to find a live

penguin in Gavin Macey's rucksack!

Got that?

Good.

You're not in year six, why are you here?

He's my grandpa, Miss.

Yeah, I can surmise that.

He was a Spitfire pilot in the war.

Well, if he promises to be

educational, he can come.

Thank you, Miss.

Now, everyone has a questionnaire...

And nobody is allowed in the gift shop

until it has been filled out

and that is a fact, am I clear?

Yes, Miss Verity.

Good. And here's yours, coach

driver. Neatest handwriting, please.

Right, everyone off, please, no

talking, no laughing, no dawdling.

Oi, you lot, don't climb on the tanks.

I've been here before.

Yes, you have, many times. You

took me, Grandpa, do you remember?

What's my Spitfire doing

hanging from the ceiling?

- What's wrong with your grandad?

- Nothing.

These, these pilots are very young.

New recruits.

Ah.

Oh, I see.

How are you getting on? Are you stuck?

The stupid answer's not

on the stupid board.

I can help you with that. I was there.

You see, the Nazis wanted

to bomb the life out of us,

so they could invade and take us over.

Herr Hitler sent huge squadrons of Junkers

and Messerschmitts over the coast,

the sky was black with them.

RAF pilots had to stop the Nazi

bombers from getting through --

we were young and frightened, not,

well, not that much older than you are.

My squadron was the first to

be scrambled up, up and away.

I pushed my Spitfire past 300mph.

Wow.

It... You see, they outnumbered

us, oh, four to one,

so to stand any chance, we had to

get above them before they got here.

We waited up there until

the enemy were so close

we could see the swastikas on their

tails and then I gave the order...

.. DIVE!

When did all this happen, exactly?

Sorry?

The children need dates for the

exam. Facts, facts and more facts.

Facts are all that matter.

Oh, well it was, er, yeah, last Monday.

I hardly think so!

No, no, oh, no, no, sorry -- I tell

a lie, er, last, er, last Sunday.

All right, settle down, everyone.

The Battle of Britain was not

last Sunday, it took place

between July and October 1940,

make a note of that, class.

That's what I'm saying!

Jack, I'm sure your grandfather means well

but he is a very old and confused man.

Hey, maybe he did do

something during the war,

but I very much doubt that

he was a Spitfire pilot.

He was.

Can I have a word? In private.

You grandfather is not welcome

on any more school trips.

But Miss!

That is a fact.

Right, class, this way, please!

Turn to question 98 in

your questionnaire...

Grandpa?

- Grandpa!

- Psst!

Up here, Squadron Leader.

What are you doing up there?

Looking for my log book, I wanted

to prove that awful woman wrong.

It's wonderful to be

back in my plane again,

they won't mind if I took

her for a spin, would they?

Um, I think they might.

Oi, what are you playing at?

Look out, it's the SS.

Code... Man, man in a plane,

repeat code -- man in a plane.

Take him down, Squadron Leader.

I'll make a break for it.

I can't take him down, he's ginormous.

That is really hurtful.

Jack! You tell your grandfather

to come down this...

- .. instant.

- You fell on my face!

Run for it!

When I'm with you, baby

I go out of my head

And I just can't get enough

And I just can't get enough

All the things you do to me

And everything you said

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

And when it rains

You're shining down for me

I just can't get enough

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