Gulliver's Travels

Give me your press badge.

No way, you're not my dad!

Then I shall take it by force.

He's my brother!

Then you shouldn't have

made out with him.

So, your name's Dan?

Yeah, Dan... Dan Quint.

Like on the resume.

Dan Quint. Born 1990.

I didn't think that was possible.

Yeah, 1990.

People are born every year.

What do you hope to get out of being

in the mailroom, Dan?

I guess I hope to get out of

being in the mailroom.

You got sass. I like it.

Guess what? You're hired.

I'm Lemuel Gulliver.

Welcome to the team.

I was hired...

yesterday by HR.

- Doggy wants a bone.

- What?

Doggy wants a bone.

Floor 30. This is the editors' floor.

Oh, yeah.

This is the epicenter, my friend.

- Feel it. Feel it.

- Okay.

Got a little something for you.

God dang it! Sorry about that.

I will dry-clean that.

Sorry about that. My bad.

- Just wait out here.

- What?

One second.

Here's your mail, sir.

Hey, you're Harold Jones, right?

Yeah.

I loved your piece

on the failure of derivative markets.

Thanks very much.

I look forward to seeing you around.

Thank you...

from me and all the readers.

Dan, what are you doing?

You can't talk to those guys!

Why not?

Okay, this is your first day.

We are the mailroom guys.

Mailroom guys are meant

to be seen and not heard.

And ideally, not even seen, okay?

We're not on their level.

We're little people.

No, I think you're

just scared to talk to them.

I am not! Dude, listen.

I am just respectful of their workspace.

I talk to these people all the...

I'll let you know as soon as

I've made a decision, Nigel.

Okey-dokey, thank you.

Good day, fellas.

- Good day.

- Good day, mate.

Gulliver, got any mail for me?

Yeah... No... Maybe.

Let me check.

- Hi, I'm Dan, from the mailroom.

- Hey. Darcy.

And I'll do whatever it takes

to not be from the mailroom.

Dan doesn't need to be bothering

her right now. She's busy.

He isn't bothering me.

I love to have a reason

to procrastinate.

Yeah, me, too.

You're not bugging me.

There you go.

Well, I'll see you guys later.

- Good to see you.

- Okay.

Oh, boy. Let's go.

So, how long have you had this

debilitating crush on the travel editor?

Crush? On Darcy? No way, dude.

First of all, you're a terrible liar.

Second of all,

why don't you just ask her out?

- You don't think I could ask her out?

- No.

I could ask her out whenever,

wherever. It's no problem.

It would take me five seconds.

"Will you go out with me?" "Yes." Done.

I'm now going out with Darcy Silverman.

We are boyfriend and girlfriend.

"Gulliver and Darcy?"

"Cutest couple ever."

Okay. So, then, do it.

Next time I see her, I will.

Hold on! Hi, again.

Hey, Darcy.

I just remembered,

I get claustrophobic in elevators.

- How is your day going?

- Really good.

Just really, really, good.

- What are you doing this weekend?

- So much stuff.

It's just going to be... a bunch of stuff.

- Cool.

- Yeah, it's cool.

- Have a good one.

- You, too.

Wait! I forgot something.

Yeah, me, too.

So?

Yeah?

Yeah!

You chickened out, didn't you?

I wasn't... I just... You know...

I didn't chicken out.

- Being respectful of her workspace.

- Exactly.

Dude.

Speaking of which, after work...

do you want to go for a couple

of brews and shoot some poos?

Maybe a little man-date.

I don't think so. Especially because

you called it a man-date.

I got you. You want a rain check.

You want to wake up all bright-eyed

and bushy-tailed for the boss.

You're not my boss anymore.

What are you talking about?

I just got promoted.

That's impossible. You just got here.

Yeah, they promoted me...

to head of the mailroom.

So I'm your boss now.

Look, Gulliver, the reason you didn't

ask her out and you never will...

is the same reason that you're

not going to leave the mailroom.

You've been here 10 years, man.

You peaked.

You talk a big game

and that can be fun sometimes.

And you're pretty funny around the office,

but that's all you are.

It's just talk.

So you might as well face it...

you're never really going to

get any bigger than this.

These talks. This is the worst part

about being a boss.

Anyway, be in tomorrow at 7:00.

We're going to sort of

change things up...

and we're gonna start with getting rid

of "Guitar Hero" during work hours.

Night, Darcy.

See you.

Gulliver?

Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I...

I wanted to see...

if you wanted to...

You seem a little nervous.

Are you all right?

No, I'm fine. I'm just...

I got so much going on.

I wanted to pick this up,

and then I'm on my way.

You want to apply for

a travel writing assignment?

Yeah. Exactly.

I had no idea you wrote or traveled.

I do. I travel a lot.

I go to New Zealand.

Been to Mexico.

Mjico, they call it...

in the locals.

Africa, the Congo.

Which I know is in Africa

because I travel and write.

So this is kind of what I want to do.

Why don't you bring in a writing sample

tomorrow and I'll see what I can do.

Perfect.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Hey, Gulliver.

Nice job putting yourself out there.

Yeah. Cool. Okay, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

I should've just manned up

and asked her out.

Now she's expecting a writing sample?

What was I thinking?

I saw some things

In different lands

Karate chop... I gotta write this thing!

No, I got nothing.

I am so impressed, Gulliver.

I had no idea

you were such a good writer.

I kind of keep it secret. I don't like

to brag about my more literarian side.

These samples are terrific.

And you exhibit such variety.

This one about Oaxaca feels really classic,

like it came straight out of Frommer's...

whereas the description

of Barcelona is all...

sassy.

It's like I'm reading Time Out.

Yeah.

I think I have the perfect fluff piece

to start you off with.

There's a guy down in Bermuda who claims

he has the secret to the Bermuda Triangle.

He's either crazy or he's trying

to bilk tourists. But I figure...

it could be a fun way in...

to explore Bermuda

and the smaller islands around it.

You do have boat experience, don't you?

I'm a... boat... man.

I'm a boatman.

Okay, good...

because I have to be honest,

it was hard to find someone to do this.

You have to be at sea for three weeks,

completely off the grid.

That's okay with you, right?

Good, because I thought...

I was going to have to do it

and I get super seasick. It's crazy.

So, what do you say?

It's not a big story, but it's a start.

So, the Bermuda Triangle, huh?

Everything I need

to know is in here?

It is. Your contact's been arranged...

and there's a boat waiting for you.

Yeah.

That's me!

Okay, precious cargo! No, no, no!

That was close.

All you chickens,

get out of the road, man!

I don't know about this, Hank.

I mean, are you sure this is safe?

All this Bermuda Triangle talk

is just to sell T-shirts to tourists.

It makes for good stories...

if you want to skeet-skeet

with the girls on the mainland.

This is your boat.

Knotfersail.

They really went pun-tastic

on that boat.

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