Gulliver's Travels Page #4

of this at once.

We've found it.

I hear you, ring-a-ling-a-ding-dong.

Okay, I'm coming...

Hey, how's it going?

Hello, beast!

I come bearing the most terrific news!

Yeah? Really?

We have discovered your ship.

The Knotfersail.

Clever name.

You did it!

You found my boat.

I'm actually going home.

Hey, you guys can

fix this thing, right?

Of course, you can.

You're incredibly awesome builders.

Yes!

Darcy is about to read

the best article ever.

I'm talking Pulitzer.

"Slide to unlock."

What are you guys doing?

Is that my phone?

Man, it takes a lickin'.

No signal, but I got 12 messages.

Mr. Popularity.

Hey, Gulliver. It's me. It's Darcy.

I just realized why I felt like

your writing came straight...

out of Frommer's. Because it does!

Call me as soon as you get this.

Sergeant Peacock, what's it doing?

He's checking his voicemail,

General Edward.

Good.

What's voicemail?

Hey, Lemuel! It's Darcy.

I've totally forgiven you.

Wait! No, I haven't...

because now I have to get seasick

on a boat to cover your butt!

Thanks for this.

And if you can't tell,

that "thanks" was sarcastic.

Darcy, again.

I can't believe you lied to me.

I trusted you.

Wherever you're hiding, stay there.

I never want to hear from you again.

Mr. Beast...

I've instructed our builders...

to work day and night to ensure

you are seaworthy by week's end.

Isn't that just the most fantastical news

you've ever received in your life?

Great.

I can't tell you how happy I am...

for you.

Why do you look so forlorn,

noble protector?

Me? Forlorn? No way.

You do look quite forlorn.

Just for the record, what's "forlorn"

mean, again? Is it "sad"?

Basically, it's just

a bit more dramatic-sounding.

Yeah, well, in that case,

I guess I am a little forlorn.

Oh, Gulliver...

you miss your princess.

The truth is, we're not super close.

Oh, Gulliver.

She's kind of mad at me right now.

I am forlorn as well.

I don't know what to do.

I think I'm in love with Horatio.

But that's great!

Don't be forlorn about that.

Most people spend their lives

looking for that and don't find it.

Go for it! Follow your heart.

But my heart

is promised to General Edward.

And I cannot break that vow.

He will lose honor and respect.

And he will die of heartbreak.

Okay. Look, he's just

being melodramatic.

- Is he?

- Yeah.

Gulliver, I will miss you so much.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Maybe I should stay.

Don't you miss your subjects?

And the White House?

And the Millennium Falcon?

Yeah.

But Vice President Yoda

can run things without me for a while.

Do you think the king would mind

if I stuck around for a bit?

Well, of course not, Gulliver.

You've made everyone here so happy.

I can't imagine anyone in Lilliput not

wanting you to stay as long as possible.

Noble and valiant King Theodore.

I trust-eth not this beast,

Gulliver who lives-t in our midst-ith-ith.

He can now leave-th but he

chooses to stay. And furthermore...

I do not believe it

who he say-eth he is-eth.

I most-eth humbly disagree-eth.

And why-eth must we always

go on with these "eths"?

Because we speak officially-eth.

Forget it. From now on,

even when speaking officially...

we must get rid of these "eths."

Official speaking is...

an illustrious Lilliputian tradition!

Inside castle voice. Please.

Forgive me-eth.

Forgive me.

I think this job is

beginning to stress you out.

Maybe a little time off

would be the thing.

Who else could run your army?

Our new general, Gulliver!

I won't let you down, King.

And I look forward to working with you,

Vice General Edward.

"Vice General." Vice!

I've never been a Vice of anything.

I can't be expected to take orders

from that gargantuan fool.

I would rather take orders

from a woman.

- You are relieved.

- Thank you, Vice General Edward.

All right, Gulliver,

protect against this.

They have turned off

their defense system.

Alert the king,

and prepare the armada.

Oh, no. Our defense system has failed.

We shall never reach

our ships on time.

Careful now. Mind yourselves.

Oh, what a mess.

They are defenseless.

Cease fire and ready the troops!

Gulliver!

The Blefuscians attack!

- Are you sure?

- Yes!

Please, we need you.

You're our general.

Good lord!

It's the entire Blefuscian armada!

I know.

Finally! Our general has arrived.

What's going on? I heard the bells.

As our mighty general...

you must lead the army

to save Lilliput...

and vanquish

the entire Blefuscian armada.

You want me to...

vanquish all of them?

Yes, please.

Every last one of them.

Yeah, fine.

Thank you, fair Gulliver.

Okay, here we go.

Time to vanquish.

It's cold!

No problem.

You're going down!

Why have we stopped?

It's him.

Hey, dudes.

I'm Gulliver.

I come in peace. Listen...

they want me to vanquish you,

but I don't want to vanquish anybody...

and you don't want to be vanquished.

Let's just pretend, okay? I'll go crazy.

You act all scared

and just follow my lead, all right?

Sell it!

Okay. Here we go.

Unfurl the sails!

Hard to starboard!

Battle stations.

Prepare positions.

Move! Move!

This truly is a battle for the ages.

It truly is.

Okay, so now, I'll just tell them you

were too swift or whatever and...

How come you all turned around?

Fire!

Oh, no. That looks painful.

Move!

I'm invincible.

Yes!

Go on, Gulliver!

Well done, sir! Well done! Excellent!

Gulliver! Gulliver!

Well done, you big, fat beast.

Pound it.

- Respect.

- Well done, Gulliver!

Awesome!

- Pass!

- That's a foul! That's disgraceful!

Goal!

The beast is victorious.

Goal!

All right!

Yeah!

Guys, this is what I'm talking about.

Look at that.

With the billboards and the lights...

it's home sweet home.

What can I say?

Hey, could you guys send over a panzer

division to my left shoulder, please?

Yeah, north, two klicks.

One klick.

Oh, yeah, that's the spot.

Okay, just a little off the top.

Don't go crazy.

And don't shave off my sideburns.

I need those mutton chops.

I wanna rock and roll

All night

And party every day

I wanna rock and roll all night

And party every day

I wanna

Rock and roll all night

And you are my b*tch

And I double-defeated you

because I was playing and singing

You did good, though.

Let's try it again from the top.

One sec, please. Pause game.

Pause game.

I was just thinking.

You're general of Lilliput now.

Shouldn't you be training the army?

What if Blefuscia should attack again?

Come on, man!

No one's gonna attack.

Not while I'm around.

I'm a one-man wrecking crew.

If you want to worry,

you should be worrying about how...

you haven't made a move

on the princess yet.

You're in danger of falling

into friendship lagoon.

What?

Yeah, friendship lagoon. It blows.

You're gonna be like, "We're friends,

it's great. I'm cool with that."

And you won't be cool with that!

And it kills you inside.

No. No, never!

Yeah, man!

You have to man up and be direct.

Next time you see her,

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