Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

1

Take them into the forest now.

You stay here.

I'll be back soon.

- Wait!

- No!

I said, stay here!

Father! Wait!

Help us! Please!

Hello! ls anybody there?

Eat!

Eat!

Eat!

Eat!

This oven's not hot enough!

More wood!

What?

Is it hot enough for you now, b*tch?

My sister and I

never saw our parents again.

It was just the two of us.

But we learned a couple of things

while trapped in that house.

One:
Never walk into a house

made of candy.

And two:
If you're gonna kill a witch,

set her ass on fire.

Fresh milk! Fresh milk

for the children!

Keep your children healthy! Fresh milk!

After weeks of living in fear,

we have finally caught the one

responsible for all this terror!

For crimes against

the city and people of Augsburg,

and for consorting with

the spawn of Satan,

I hereby accuse this woman

of the craft of witchery!

Burn her! Burn her!

Behold

the eyes of the demon.

Go to hell.

Order!

Order!

Berringer,

this is still my town.

Listen to me.

As your mayor, I know only too well

that many of you

have lost precious loved ones to this

witch plague,

but we can't just burn this woman.

We first need evidence.

We can't just have...

You know a witch when you see one!

They ride at night

and they make pacts with the devil!

This woman will burn!

Burn her! Burn her!

Let the girl go

or I'm gonna blow your sheriff's brains

all over these f***ing hillbillies.

Move. Go on.

Let her go. Go over there.

Check her.

What's your name?

What's your name?

- Mina.

- Don't worry.

When a woman truly deals in witchcraft,

she cannot hide it.

A nasty rot sets in. it shows in her teeth,

in her skin and her eyes.

This is not a witch. This woman's clean.

I'm sure your sheriff was only trying

to protect you good people.

But your mayor has done

a very smart thing.

He hired us.

My name is Gretel,

and this is my brother, Hansel.

We know that many of your children

have gone missing.

But killing an innocent woman

will not bring them back.

Go home! We don't want you here!

We don't want more evil in Augsburg!

Well, evil is upon you,

whether you like it or not.

Now if your children are still alive,

we will find them.

But if anyone harms this woman,

you're gonna have me to deal with.

Now go home!

Go!

I guess you're free to go.

Thank you,

Hansel.

You're welcome.

What the hell do you think

you're doing? Huh?

That woman is a suspect in my custody.

You can't just come here...

Any man with half a brain

could see that she was not a witch.

Now listen, Sheriff.

Hansel and Gretel

have been brought here...

You better listen!

I'm not going to have this b*tch

and her scoundrel of a brother

coming into my town,

telling me what to do.

Don't!

Just don't.

Come on. Let's get you started.

There's been reports of

a strange cottage in the north forest.

Locals won't go near the place.

A good place to start the investigation.

Move!

Gretel!

She looks angry.

Yeah.

A face like that, I'd be angry, too.

Would you shut up?

That witch we found

was a dead end, Mayor

No trace of any kids. I'm sorry.

But we found this.

That is called the Blood Moon, Mayor.

An eclipse of the moon.

It happens once in a generation

and is a night most holy to witches.

Oh, my God.

When?

According to this,

three nights from now.

There's no doubt in my mind

that all this is connected.

Children being taken in these numbers

from the roads and fields

so close to town.

A witch does not come out

in the open like that.

Not unless she has to.

Witch activity

has been increasing lately.

More sightings,

animal slaughter, Sabbaths.

It seems the coming of the Blood Moon

is dragging every damned witch

from their dark hiding place.

So,

it seems like a good thing

that you brought us here,

doesn't it, Mayor?

Half your money now.

The rest when the children

are brought back alive.

Oh, there he is, right on time.

This is Jackson.

He knows these woods inside and out.

And he'll take you to where

the last sightings were.

Yeah. We can be there in a few hours.

Not at night. it's too dangerous.

We'll leave in the morning.

Yeah, she's right.

It's much too dangerous.

So, any place

we can get a drink in this hellhole?

Shut up!

The last one they took was a boy.

Less than two days ago,

so the scent is still fresh.

100 shilling for every child

you return alive.

You better be fast

before our mayor's witch hunters

rob this town blind.

You leave tonight.

In witch country at night?

You must be out of your mind.

Not until you finish the job.

Thank you, Wolfgang.

I'm telling you,

we should put the fire out.

We're hunting witches,

not bears. And we have to eat.

Such beautiful creatures.

Are they yours?

Yes, ma'am.

Why have you come here?

To the dark of the forest?

A child was taken, ma'am.

We're here to find him

and take him back.

There are no children here.

Here...

There's only death!

Witch!

Fools!

This is my land!

How dare you?

Please?

Please, God... No.

There's no use in praying, my friend.

Even your God knows better

than to come here.

So we got this witch

on the ground, right?

And her eyes, they start rolling back

in her head. They're glowing red.

She's trying to put

a Soul Searcher spell on me, you see.

So I slap her and rip out her tongue.

And she starts pissing,

starts pissing everywhere, right?

But a witch's piss,

it's the worst, you see,

because it actually burns the ground.

It's like acid.

Although, in small doses,

it does cure poison ivy, insect bites.

I'm getting way off the subject, aren't I?

I've got to get back to my friends.

What are you looking at?

There have been

abductions here and here,

on both sides of the river.

And on this last one,

we believe a troll was involved.

- A troll?

- Trolls are extra.

Hey, so what's wrong with the girls

in this place, huh?

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong,

but aren't bar wenches

supposed to be easy?

- It's really unusual.

- Yes, it is unusual.

Look at this one.

A father and three children attacked.

One child was taken,

but she didn't touch the other two.

That's weird.

That's so weird.

- It is strange. it is strange, okay!

- Yeah, yeah.

Then again,

we hunt witches for a living.

What's normal, really?

Excuse me. Hansel and Gretel?

Oh, my God, I can't believe you're here.

I'm Ben. Benjamin Walser.

I am really quite a fan of your work.

That's great.

It's nice to meet you, Benjamin.

Listen, if it's not too much trouble,

-would you please sign...

- Oh, no...

Okay.

Oh, my.

Yeah, that's from when you

found the Fox Witch of Antwerp

and sank her in the moat.

And this one's from the

Secret Witch Ring of Belsen.

When they tried to put a gate to

hell under the courthouse.

I mean, you guys, you certainly

taught those witches a thing or two.

Wow.

This is amazing. And weird.

- A little creepy.

- Yeah...

You really keep all this stuff.

All right, well...

I just have so many questions.

Do you mind?

- You know, we have...

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes