Happily N'Ever After Page #2

She's a friend.

I know what kind of friend

you're talking about.

I need a friend like that,

my friend. I tell you, huh?

Oui With friends like that,

why do you need enemies?

Gentlemen!

The prince is furious.

He demands his cranberry juice.

- No!

- Not the cake!

Vanilla.

Come on, girls. Think prince.

- Don't work too hard.

- Missed a spot.

See you at the ball.

As if.

Ella.

Remember.

Shampoo and condition the cat.

And don't forget to swab out

its sores. It loves that.

Oops. Sorry.

Weepy, weepy,

cry, cry, cry, sob

And then,

fairy godmother to the rescue.

I love this part.

"Don't cry, child. "

"Don't cry, child. "

Don't cry, child.

I'm your fairy godmother.

I have come to grant

your wish to be a real boy.

What?

- You're Cinderella, right?

- Yeah.

Then let's get you ready for the ball.

That's not right.

Nice.

Yes.

Here we go.

Sassy!

Oops.

- Yes.

- Wow.

- You look beautiful, Salmonella.

- It's Cinderella.

Cinderella going to the ball-again

Sleeping Beauty, still asleep.

Somebody get her

a double espresso, please.

And get me a triple.

You have but three chances

to guess my name...

and if you fail,

your baby shall be mine!

Rumpelstiltskin,

still going for custody.

I think he wants weekends, right?

Always the same thing.

The good guys win.

And what do you want to have happen?

Rumpelstiltskin gets the baby?

Cinderella stays a maid?

I just wish we could mix it up

a little bit...

make it a little edgier.

Then let 'em have

their happy endings.

We are not tipping the scales of good

and evil so you can be entertained.

What if we made the seven

dwarves seven feet tall and-

- No way.

- What about making Rapunzel go bald?

Forget it.

Couldn't we just give her

split ends...

or dandruff

or a mullet or something?

What about that?

Look at me. I'm Munk.

Mambo, get down!

I am Munk, and my nostrils show.

I've got dandruff and bad BO.

Stop fooling around.

You're gonna break it.

Munk is a bossy know-it-all...

with a butt the size

of a shopping mall.

Stop it. That's enough!

All right, girls.

We're almost at the ball.

- What are you doing?

- Give me that perfume!

- It's mine!

- I need it more!

- No, I do!

- I smell like camel sweat.

- I smell like a dead pig. Smell me!

- Knock it off!

Can't you two pretend to be

human beings for one night?

- Hurry up, slowpoke!

- Ow!

Who am I kidding?

These girls are hopeless.

A donkey would have a better

chance of marrying the prince.

I'm never gonna get ahead

in the world if I count on them.

There has to be another way.

And he's running!

It's Mambo by a mile!

You spin it off that stand,

you are in big trouble!

I'm dancin'.

I'm dancin'.

I'm skatin'! I'm skatin'!

I'm backwards skatin', backwards skatin'.

Not so easy. Not so easy.

What?

I told you to be careful!

- This is powerful magic!

- Oh, boy.

These things control the fate

of the entire kingdom!

Powerful magic?

The fate of the kingdom?

Girls, Mama's gonna take matters

into her own hands.

Don't wait up.

Mother!

Left. Left, left.

Right, right. Down, down, down.

More down. Downer.

- I'm calling the boss.

- Why?

Why? We fixed it. You fixed it.

We fixed it, 'cause I did the "down,

down, down, left" part, which helped.

Yes or no?

Don't call the boss!

Forty flights of steps in heels?

This had better be good.

"Chapter Four. How a prince

must behave at the ball.

One:
Smile at maidens. "

Hello.

"Two:
Look heroic. "

Yes.

"Three:
Be 'roman tick. "'

Be "roman tick"?

Be romantic!

There he is!

To one side.

Excuse me.

He's dreamy.

- I like him!

- I love him!

Time to meet your prince,

my dear Mozzarella.

- It's Cinderella.

- Really? Why'd you change it?

Thank you, Fairy Godmother.

Remember, it all ends at midnight.

Move it.

You are in so much trouble!

And what are you gonna do about it?

Turn me into a frog, Mr. Wizard?

Do you even know what

you could have done?

Yeah, yeah. I know. I could have knocked

over the scales of good and evil...

and changed the destiny of

every character in Fairytale Land.

Blah, blah, blah.

But I didn't!

Hiya, boys.

Ouchy mama!

What's doing?

Frieda?

So this is where it all happens.

And all this time

I thought it was fate.

- You can't be up here.

- What is she doing here?

I didn't order a stepmother.

Come here, cutie.

Show me those magic arts.

Come on, big boy. Teach me.

I kind of go for these

power-mad, villainous, evil women.

She thinks I'm the wizard.

We don't really do workshops.

Maybe you can come back

another year?

This operation's about to

have a hostile takeover.

Just call it a little power play.

Man, she is good!

- I mean bad.

- Get out!

Or I'll zap you into a toad!

- Can you zap?

- Just watch me.

Baby, I think you're

all yap and no zap.

Okay.

Now we're flying. I guess when you say

"zapping," you mean "flying. "

Shut up and drive! I'll open the portal

and get the boss!

He'll fix everything!

- Don't let her get the staff!

- Let go of it, you little freak.

No air bags?

Oh, gosh!

Mayday! Mayday!

We're going down.

Ouch! Fire! Burning!

- Hot. Hot, hot. Hot.

- Prepare for grievous bodily harm!

Warn me next time you zap.

You should totally

fall in love with me!

- Nuh-uh. Me.

- I read a book once.

A very interesting book.

- Who is that?

- Nice slippers.

Her feet are so tiny.

She's perfect.

- Where is she from?

- She's beautiful.

What's wrong?

I detect the strangest smell

of pumpkin.

I like pumpkin.

Welcome to

the worst moment of my life

So far

Let's see.

Which of my toys

should I play with first?

Warm.

What's this?

My, Grandma

What big eyes you have

All the better

to see you with, my dear

And what big yellow teeth you have

The better to eat you with!

Here they are again.

Interesting.

Now let's see if-

Rapunzel, Rapunzel,

let down your hair!

I wonder what happens if I just-

Ow.

Ow! I'm on my keys.

It's so easy!

Just the touch of a finger.

A pajama party.

You have but three chances

to guess my name...

and if you fail,

your baby shall be mine!

- Fabio?

- Nope.

- Beelzebub?

- No.

Rumpel masashi?

Rock-a-bye-bye, baby.

Hey. That's my house.

And...

Ella?

Hey, you gotta be kidding me.

That little-

She gets the prince...

and the palace, and I get nada?

Zilch?

Nothing?

Uh-uh. No way!

Not while I'm in charge!

Left, right, left.

Left, right, left.

Left, right, left.

Left, right, left.

I don't believe this

How did she get there?

And where did she get that dress?

And where can I get one? I love

those little ruffles down the front.

So, what do you do?

Are you a fair maiden, lady-in-waiting,

damsel in distress?

I will be, kind of, at midnight.

Come on!

I think the little princess

needs a makeover!

What happened?

Sorry.

Where did that maiden go?

Did you see her?

Maiden!

Maiden!

A slipper.

Maybe she was the maiden after all.

At last. A damsel in distress!

Here. Section four,

subparagraph eight.

"Once a prince finds his true love,

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