Happy Valley

Season #1 Episode #1

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1 INT. NEWSAGENTS. DAY 1. 10.00 1

The NEWSAGENT gives a CUSTOMER change as a police car comes

to a halt right outside (flashing lights, no siren). SGT.

CATHERINE CAWOOD (48, unassailably pleasant) strides into the

shop. She’s all tooled up; truncheon and cuffs hanging off

her belt, radio, bullet-proof vest. We see the three stripes.

She looks like she’s made of gadgets. Robocop. But there’s

something calm and reassuring and feminine about her manner,

despite her striking no-nonsense appearance. She’s probably

smiling politely as she asks

CATHERINE:

Have you got a fire extinguisher?

NEWSAGENT:

(panic)

A f - ?

CATHERINE:

For putting out fires.

(no response:
shop keeper

still stunned)

I’ve got one in the car, but I may

need something bigger.

A robust, breathless 70-YEAR-OLD WOMAN has followed CATHERINE

into the shop.

70-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

There’s a fella round t’corner

reckoning to set fire to himself!

CATHERINE:

(charming)

Yes, thank you, we’re on top of

that.

(she pulls some cheap sunglasses

off a stand)

How much can I give you for these?

CUT TO:

2 EXT. HOUSING ESTATE. DAY 1. 10.01 2

LIAM HUGHES (23) has doused himself in petrol and he’s

standing on a bench opposite some flats. He’s drunk so much

his coordination's gone and he’s distressed. His face is

grubby and streaked with tears. He’s got a can of beer in one

hand, a cigarette lighter in the other. His empty petrol

can’s on the ground in front of the bench.

CATHERINE heads inexorably towards LIAM with her fire

extinguisher. She’s wearing her new cheap sunglasses. P.C.

KIRSTEN McASKILL (23, but looks 12) is right behind her.

HAPPY VALLEY. EPISODE ONE. BY SALLY WAINWRIGHT 2.

KIRSTEN:

Nice glasses.

CATHERINE:

He can send himself to paradise -

that’s his choice - but he’s not

taking my eyebrows with him.

We see a small indifferent crowd made up of two size 20 women

in size 14 clothes, both in their late forties, two teenage

girls with push chairs, a couple of grubby lads in their

early twenties (also with cans of beer), and one or two

people standing on their balconies in the flats.

YOUTH 1 YOUTH 2

Ey! Set fire to yerself nutty Ey! Guy Fawkes!

boy! It’s freezing ovver (he shakes a box of

here! matches)

D’you want a matcher!?

CATHERINE (CONT’D)

Did we call an ambulance?

KIRSTEN:

On its way.

40+ WOMAN 1 40+ WOMAN 2

They want to shut their They want to shut up.

mouths, them two.

CATHERINE:

Do we know his name?

KIRSTEN:

Liam Hughes. Twenty-three.

Unemployed. Smack head.

GIRL WITH PUSHCHAIR 1

Yeah, you wanna shuddup, Goggins!

It isn’t funny!

YOUTH 1

It is from ovver here, it’s

hilarious.

CATHERINE:

What’s he upset about?

KIRSTEN:

His ex.

CATHERINE:

His ex.

Isn’t it always.

HAPPY VALLEY. EPISODE ONE. BY SALLY WAINWRIGHT 3.

KIRSTEN:

She finished with him three days

ago and now she’s sleeping with his

best bud.

GIRL WITH PUSHCHAIR 1

And it’s match! Not matcher. Dozy

twat.

CATHERINE:

We’ve got a high ranking highly

trained specialist expert police

negotiator on his way over from

Wakefield.

KIRSTEN:

(checking her watch)

E.T.A.?

CATHERINE:

(checking her watch)

Basically it’s you and me, kid.

YOUTH 2

Who you calling a dozy twat? Who’s

she calling a dozy twat?

GIRL WITH PUSHCHAIR 1

You, yer dozy twat!

YOUTH 1

The one and only...! Human barbycue!

CATHERINE:

(flicks her head across at

the beer crew, keeps her

eyes on LIAM)

Go and close down the comedy

department.

KIRSTEN heads off to quell the YOUTHS (who are the same age

as herself) as CATHERINE carries on towards LIAM. CATHERINE

turns her radio off. KIRSTEN may look 12 years old, but at 23

she in fact has five years’ experience under her belt, and

she knows how to saunter in a threatening and intimidating

way that shuts people up before she’s even arrived. But like

CATHERINE, once she starts talking she has a manner that’s at

odds with her appearance.

KIRSTEN:

Nice tattoos. My boyfriend has a

tattoo. On his sternocleidomastoid.

YOUTH 1 YOUTH 2

Is that rude? (pleased)

The dirty get.

HAPPY VALLEY. EPISODE ONE. BY SALLY WAINWRIGHT 4.

KIRSTEN (CONT’D)

(she puts her finger to

her neck and considers

how rude your neck is)

No.

YOUTH 2

What’s it say?

KIRSTEN:

It’s like...

(she considers, isn’t

entirely certain)

a butterfly?

YOUTH 2

And he’s a man?

KIRSTEN:

Maybe it’s a wasp.

YOUTH 1

Y’been going out with him long?

KIRSTEN considers how long she can keep this lie going. Over

yonder, CATHERINE’s within ten feet of LIAM.

LIAM:

You come any closer an’ I’m setting

mesen off!

CATHERINE’s calm.

CATHERINE:

What’s happened, Liam?

LIAM:

I don’t know what you’ve brought

that for.

CATHERINE:

Well. If you accidentally fireball

yourself LIAM

CATHERINE:

The’ll be nowt accidental

about it.

- you’re gonna get foamed,

and believe you me, it’s nota good look.

LIAM:

Y’needn’t bovver.

CATHERINE:

But it is better than the

alternative. How’s it all come to

this then, lad?

HAPPY VALLEY. EPISODE ONE. BY SALLY WAINWRIGHT 5.

LIAM:

I’ve been humiliated.

CATHERINE:

Humiliated.

LIAM:

I don’t wanna talk about it.

CATHERINE:

Okay

LIAM:

Actions speak louder than words.

CATHERINE:

Okay. Can I just say this though,

Liam. The lighter’s making me

nervous. You’ve had a lot to drink

and you’ve got the shakes and you

might press it without intending

to, and I’d like you to put it

down.

LIAM:

Leave me alone you stupid b*tch.

CATHERINE:

(water off a duck’s back)

You’re upset, and I understand

that. The point I’m making. Is that

with all these fumes - and frankly

I don’t know how you’re staying

conscious - you could go up any

second whether you intend to or

not, and once you go up, you won’t

just go up a bit, you’ll go up a

lot, and the other big thing to say

is, it hurts. Three seconds in and

you’ll be screaming at me to put

you out, seven seconds in and

you’ll be begging me to shoot you.

Over by the YOUTHS, KIRSTEN’s radio kicks in.

RADIO:

Control to Bravo November nine-five

one-two.

KIRSTEN:

Nine-five-one-two.

RADIO:

I’ve got a negotiator on his way to

you, but he’s stuck in traffic on

the A-fifty-eight between Bradford

and Halifax.

HAPPY VALLEY. EPISODE ONE. BY SALLY WAINWRIGHT 6.

As they knew he would be.

KIRSTEN:

(light)

Okay.

RADIO:

He says the big thing. Is to keep

the subject engaged in

conversation.

KIRSTEN:

I think we’ve got that covered.

Back to CATHERINE and LIAM.

CATHERINE:

I’m Catherine, by the way. I’m

forty-seven, I’m divorced, I live

with my sister - who’s a recovering

heroin addict - I have two grown-up

children. One dead and one who

doesn’t speak to me. And a

grandson! So.

LIAM’s intrigued, but reluctant to ask

LIAM:

Why - ? Why doesn’t he speak to

you?

CATHERINE:

Oh, it’s complicated. Let’s talk

about you.

CUT TO:

3

INT. NEVISON GALLAGHER ASSOCIATES, NEVISON’S OFFICE. 3

DAY 1. 11.30

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