Hard Candy

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This is so good.

I want more.

Don't get greedy.

Jeff?

Hayley.

Sorry.

I was gonna be, like,

so sophisticated when we met.

Little hard to do that with your mouth

full of... whatever that is.

It's great. It's great.

Do you want some?

Sure.

Yum.

It's, um... kind of

what I was thinking.

Sorry?

You just don't look like the kind of guy

who has to meet girls over the internet.

I think it's better to meet people

online first sometimes.

You get to know

what they're like inside.

When you work as a photographer

you find out real quick, people's faces lie.

Does my face lie?

I look at those eyes

and I see...

a girl who reads Zadie Smith,

who listens to John Mayer

and ColdPlay,

who loves Monty Python episodes

and who, desperately,

madly, deeply, wants,

needs, longs for...

more chocolate.

Excellent, excellent

judge of character.

Can I get two of those truffles

and two ganaches.

Now what's a ganache?

You don't know

what a ganache is?

Lucky, you're with

a woman of the world

to introduce you to these things.

And two chocolate-covered hearts.

And a decaf latte for me.

- And?

- I'm good.

Yeah, you do appear so.

So what's in the bag?

Oh, you know,

just, like, books and stuff.

I figured if you stood me up,

then I should have something to read.

Well... I couldn't really decide.

I'm reading this book

about Jean Seberg.

She's this actress

who slept with all the wrong people

and ended up killing herself.

Don't you do that.

No. I intend to sleep

with all the right people.

Plus, I'm reading Romeo and Juliet.

It's a ninth grade book,

but I figured I could have it done

before the school year starts, so...

Doesn't look like

Elizabethan tragedy.

No, that's 'cause...

Well, my dad... he's letting me audit

one of his med school courses, right?

I don't really understand

half of it,

but I totally love it.

What?

So you go to UCW

and you sit in a lecture hall

with all these grad students

and, what,

do they hit on you?

Why? Are you jealous?

Just admiring. I didn't know

you were interested in that kind of thing.

What?

You thought since we'd been chatting

for three weeks

that you knew everything about me?

Plus, they wouldn't hit on a 14-year-old girl.

They're old enough to be my dad, so...

They're like...

They're bad older.

They're... You're not...

I'm so articulate.

Sorry. Can I just, like,

start over?

No. I get it. I get it.

I just thought...

You know, well,

you look older than you are.

You certainly act

older than you are.

Really?

Yeah. I was expecting someone

not as impressive.

Me too.

Cool shirt.

You want it?

No, I didn't really bring

enough bucks, so...

And yet, not actually

what I was asking.

Sure, I want it.

Can I get a green shirt

in a small, please?

No. No, no.

- I can't let you do that.

- What? Because...

- Because...

- What? Because you'd be so

indebted to me

that you'd have to...

Okay. I guess I can

let you do that.

You have to model it for me.

Conditions. I can't live

with all these conditions.

Thanks.

- This is so unfair.

- What?

This is when things happen,

in the middle of the night, by which time

I am completely out of the scene.

Life as a teenager.

I just hate having to depend

Lindsey to drive me everywhere.

You'll be driving

before you know it.

In the meantime, I missed

Elizabeth Wurtzel speaking at USC

and the Goldfrapp concert.

I was at the Goldfrapp concert actually.

Shut up. You were?

Was it great?

Of course it was great.

What am I saying?

Well, you could judge for yourself.

- I got a bootleg MP3.

- You have the concert?

Just one song. A little louder, please,

so the authorities know.

I totally have to hear it.

I'll send it to you.

After you get home,

after you get around to it.

Good things are worth the wait.

And what have you waited for recently?

I'm gonna have to wait

four years for you.

You are just trying to distract me

from that MP3.

Look, I have to send it.

It's not like I could

take you to my house.

That would be a little insane.

True.

Okay, now don't peek.

I shoot models for a living.

I've seen it all before.

And you're so sure about that?

I'm thinkin' yeah.

Maybe you should peek

and make that clerk wonder

what's going on over here.

In your dreams, little girl.

Little girl?

Whatever happened to

how mature I was?

- Is this mature enough for you?

- Okay...

Keep teasing me like that,

you're gonna drive me crazy.

Is that so?

Okay. All right.

How's this?

Nice.

Okay.

Now, there's three points

I have to make.

One:
you wouldn't take advantage

because you've been seen with me.

And two:
it's Goldfrapp.

And three?

Well, and three...

You said that it would be

insane for me to come over and...

Four... Four out of five doctors agree

that I am actually insane.

Thus, I have to come over

in order to be true to myself.

Right?

And the fourth reason:

this amazing car.

Well, in the face of logic like that,

I bow down and worship.

Bow down?

That's a good idea.

What are you waiting for?

Worship me.

Yes, oh, royal Thonggirl.

I am not worthy

to kiss your feet.

Maybe you are.

Maybe we should, like,

get going.

Yes, oh, magnificent thonggirl.

You wanna call your sister?

Tell her where you'll be?

Maybe later.

I just wanna get in this car.

Wow. So hot.

What's wrong?

Well, they teach us "young things"

not to drink anything

we haven't mixed ourselves, so...

Smart.

Come back in the kitchen.

I'll pour it again.

No. Come on.

I can whip up something

more entertaining than that.

Healthy dude, huh?

I try.

Figure I'll live

as long as I can.

Living long is overrated.

What? You don't want

to reach a ripe, old age?

For what?

When I'm 80,

what do I do for fun?

When you're 80 I'll be 98.

Right... and useless to me.

What use do you have

in mind for me?

I knew there'd be something

fun around here.

I mean, other than wa...

I bet these babes

got some dirt on you.

Those are models.

So why are they on your walls

instead of magazine covers?

Here, looking at you while

you know, you do the most

intimate things.

My house is my studio.

When clients come here they're walking

into my giant portfolio.

So, what?

These were all shot here?

Oh, my God.

Okay, you are like

a big deal, aren't you?

I get work.

Isn't that one of those cameras

that gives you the square image?

How do you know that?

I'm a goon.

I just, like, read constantly.

You saw all those books in my bag.

You're not reading now.

I'm not, am I?

Feels good.

Don't fall behind.

We should toast.

Carpe...

omnious.

What's that?

It's my own little toast.

You know carpe diem.

"Seize the day. "

So I figure, carpe omnious.

"Take it all. "

Take it all.

So, like, what is it like

to look through your lens at some...

beautiful woman

who's working so hard

to look good for you?

You know these models.

They all have handlers.

People to make sure

their hair is just right

and their makeup is okay

and they don't get lost

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