He's Just Not That Into You Page #12

Janine rolls her chair closer to Gigi's desk.

GIGI:

At first they were small - like when I

first called he said "Good to hear from

you"

JANINE:

Totally good sign.

GIGI:

Right? And then the next time I called

he was with a woman - but he still took

the call. And talked to me for a while.

JANINE:

You know it was a woman?

GIGI:

He called her "babe."

JANINE:

A guy does not leave a woman - to talk to

another woman - unless there's something

going on.

GIGI:

I know! And it gets more obvious. I

mean, please - there was no guy he was

going to fix me up with. The fix up was

him.

JANINE:

Wait - really?

GIGI:

He shows up - without this fictitious

Bill character - and the two of us

basically have a date. And then he calls

me to invite me to a party at his place.

JANINE:

You're right. He so likes you.

Janine rolls her chair up to Gigi's computer screen.

JANINE (CONT'D)

Let's look up places for your destination

wedding. Would you guys wanna do Napa

Valley - I've always wanted to go there.

Gigi laughs but doesn't fight as Janine starts searching.

INT. BALTIMORE BLADE OFFICES - DAY

Mary sits at her desk, surrounded by her gays. They are

all looking at her computer screen.

CLOSE ON:
A MYSPACE PAGE. NAME:"YOUR SOUL-UTION"

SEX:
MALE AGE: 29 FROM: FUNKYTOWN FRIENDS : 1282

MARY:

There's no way he's already called - we

only met for coffee last night. I mean

we video iChatted. While holding coffee.

Kinda like having coffee.

Nathan hands her the phone.

NATHAN:

Just call your voice mail.

MARY:

And he told me he had a gig last night,

so he probably got in real late. Did I

tell you he was singer?

BRUCE:

Just call.

Mary cradles the receiver with her shoulder and dials.

JOSHUA:

On speaker.

Mary hits the SPEAKERPHONE button.

YOUR SOUL-UTION (O.S.)

(SINGING, in a sexy voice)

Maaaary. Mary, Mary, Mary, Maaaary. Oh

my Maaary.

Mary is clearly charmed. The gays all SWOON.

NATHAN:

I just got hard.

The other guys shush him.

YOUR SOUL-UTION (O.S.)

Hey Mary, it's Jude. Just wanted to tell

you again how special it was to meet you.

So, call me back. Bye.

BEEP. Mary BEAMS.

BRUCE:

Amazing. He'll sing to your babies.

Mary basks in the attention. Then, ANOTHER BEEP.

YOUR SOUL-UTION (O.S.)

(SINGING, from speakerphone)

Jeeeeny. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jeeeeny.

All heads whip around at stare at the SPEAKER PHONE.

YOUR SOUL-UTION (CONT'D)

Hey Jenny, it's Jude. Just wanted to --

oh sh*t, - what number did I call?

SOME RUSTLING NOISES, and a HANG UP, followed by a dial

tone. Mary stares at the phone - then pushes a BUTTON.

AUTOMATED VOICE:

ALL MESSAGES DELETED.

They all head wordlessly back to work.

INT. HOME DEPOT - DAY

CLOSE ON:
TWO SEEMINGLY IDENTICAL PLANKS OF WOOD. We

pull back to reveal Ben and Janine, in the wide aisle of

Home Depot, as Janine really studies the two pieces of

wood. Finally, she POINTS to one of them.

JANINE:

That one.

BEN:

No. That's the laminate.

JANINE:

That one isn't real hardwood floor?

BEN:

No. But it looks exactly the same - at

like one one hundredth of the cost.

Janine considers this.

JANINE:

I still wanna go with the real wood.

BEN:

But you can't even tell the difference.

JANINE:

That's not the point.

BEN:

Then what's the point?

JANINE:

I just don't like the way it's pretending

to be wood. If you're not wood, then

don't try to look like wood.

BEN:

I don't think it's pretending -

Ben is making light. But Janine is all business.

JANINE:

It's a lie. Just be up front - tell

people what you really are.

Ben takes this in. His cheeks start to burn.

BEN:

You're right. I'm sorry. You're totally

right.

JANINE:

It's OK. Maybe we should look at the

grills and come back.

As she starts to steer their giant cart away, Ben just

stands there, fused to the ground. Finally:

BEN:

I slept with someone.

Janine stops, doesn't say anything.

BEN (CONT'D)

I -

JANINE:

I heard you.

She doesn't turn to face him. Total silence.

JANINE (CONT'D)

You tell me this in Home Depot because

you know how I hate a public scene.

BEN:

That is not why I

JANINE:

I knew it. I KNEW IT. You a**hole.

BEN:

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

JANINE:

And it's you that's been smoking, too,

isn't it?

BEN:

What? Why does that matter?

Janine turns to Ben. She is IRATE.

JANINE:

HAVE - YOU - BEEN - SMOKING?

BEN:

No. No. I haven't.

Janine just STARES AT HIM, FUMING.

BEN (CONT'D)

Look, I talked to Neil, and he said I

could stay on his boat for a while if -

Now Janine's eyes go wide with disbelief.

JANINE:

EXCUSE ME? And now you want to move out?

You're like - what - leaving me?

Ben looks confused, but is trying to roll with it.

BEN:

No. NO. I just assumed that you

wouldn't want me to -

JANINE:

We're not going to deal with this? We're

not going to figure out a way to work

through this?

BEN:

I just assumed that once I told you, you

would want me -- out.

JANINE:

Is that what you want?

BEN:

(almost a whisper)

No.

JANINE:

OK.

She heads down the aisle with the cart. Ben follows,

confused - that didn't go how he thought it would.

EXT. GRAMERCY MANSION - DAY

The lush grounds surrounding a beautiful turn-of-thecentury

mansion. The procession of a wedding has just

begun. TWO ADORABLE FLOWER GIRLS start things off.

Then Beth's sister, Laura, processes down the aisle with

her husband, STEVEN. Beth's sister Catherine and her

husband GEORGE are next. Big smiles all around.

Then Beth appears at the end of the aisle with her escort

- BUDDY, a 12 year old CHOCOLATE LAB, wearing a coral bow

tie. Beth forces a smile as she processes with Buddy -

who stops to piss on a chair leg. Beth is not happy.

INT. GRAMERCY MANSION - DAY

A lavish reception. Beth takes her seat next to DAN,

40s. Dan looks over at Beth's place card.

DAN:

You must be Beth.

BETH:

Yep.

DAN:

I've heard a lot about you from Paige.

I'd been lobbying for weeks to be seated

next to her single sister.

BETH:

Oh, yeah? So you are

(looks at his placecard)

Dan.

DAN:

Uh, sort of.

BETH:

Hmmm?

DAN:

Well, I'm actually a wiccan. So I have a

magickal name.

BETH:

Really?

DAN:

It's Brother Phoenix East-Horse. But I

didn't know if that would fit on a card.

Beth slaps on a fake smile, and grabs for the wine.

INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A PARTY is in full swing. Typical affair for someone in

their late 20's - mediocre food but decent alcohol.

Gigi stands, somewhat uncomfortably, near the Chex Mix.

She tries smiling at a TALL GIRL, who ignores her. So

Gigi continues absently and compulsively shoving handfuls

of Chex Mix into her mouth.

NATHAN:

It makes your breath stink.

GIGI:

Pardon?

Gigi looks up to see Nathan and Bruce - Mary's gay

coworkers who are now decked out in full-on Saturday

night gay mode - standing next to her.

NATHAN:

Chex Mix. I learned the hard way. I

made out with a guy after eating like a

bag of the stuff. He said my breath

smelled like trout.

Gigi puts her handful of Chex Mix back.

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