He's Way More Famous Than You Page #3

branch out into directing.

What? The gay guy from

Ugly Betty directs?

Then I could be in it.

- Oh my God.

The gay guy from Ugly Betty

is gonna direct my movie?

I'm gonna be the best

Michael Chernus ever.

Halley?

- I'm still biking.

alright.

Just put this on here.

Just hold that there for a second.

- Okay.

Yeah, just...

I like that, harder.

You smell that? yeah, it feels good.

Oh yeah, harder... Harder...

Okay, Miss Feiffer...

- Oh, you know my work?

No, you ask me that everytime.

I've not seen you Whale movie.

Fine fine, what?

It's just a minor cut this time, but you should

really think about cutting back on your drinking.

I wasn't drinking.

You've called 91116 times...

With alcohol related injuries...

There, now I can see

your beautiful brown eyes.

Please don't touch me.

This isn't a joke. You

can really hurt yourself.

Could you get out of my ambulance now?

Will you lift me out and

gingerly place me on my bike?

No.

Okay.

Help!

I think I have vertigo.

I'm falling.

My bones are melting.

Because of radiation...

I was in Chernobyl...

I'm an orphan.

Bye!

We need to talk to the gay guy

from Ugly Betty right away...

Before I get another concussion.

I think I agree with him.

You should probably cut

back on your drinking.

Ryan, ugh!

Some of the greatest

artists of all eternity...

Had alcohol and drug problems.

River Phoenix, Janis Joplin...

And Marylin Monroe.

Maybe you should try drinking more...

You might become a better actor.

But they all died.

It's how you get to be

number 1 on the Startracker.

Really?

No...

Those are my men, Ryan...

Come on, I have to cheat...

I'm losing...

- No, I don't care if you're losing...

Hey babe.

- Hey, baby.

Hey, babe!

Hey Halley.

How did it go?

Oh, you know...

Pretty good. Oh...

Halley, you look so cute.

Thank you, I got my head banded...

Yeah...

What happened?

Just an amazing meeting with

Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan 2.

So many foartes.

But anyway, Ryan has been

chomping at the bit...

To ask you a dire straight question, right Ryan?

- Uh uh...

So, Halley and I have been

working on a screenplay idea...

It's more like a comment on real life.

Cool.

What's it about?

What's with the camera?

You know what?

It is part of the process.

Okay.

It's basically a simple love story.

Centering around Halley and...

Me as her ex-boyfriend

Michael Chernus...

We're the leads...

And...

Vanessa Williams.

Uh-uh.

So, you guys...

Play boyfriend and girlfriend?

Yes.

- Yes.

In the movie?

- It's okay, he's gay. No one will care.

Okay, actually Halley, could you not...

Film me right now?

I don't really feel

comfortable with that.

Did you see Capturing the Friedmans?

Yeah.

This is like that.

Okay, whatever.

So, what Halley and I were

just pondering today over...

Cycling, box wine,

and ambulance visit...

Would you be into directing it?

No.

What? Direct what?

What is there to direct?

Babe, can I talk to you

in private for a second?

Okay.

I really don't understand what

it is you're asking me to do here.

First off, I would like

it if you support me.

I do support you.

- Okay great thank you.

Secondly, I need you more than

anything to help us with this because...

I've had a lot of rejections.

And I just need to do

something important.

And if we don't do this as a team...

It'll never happen.

And I will never amount to anything

more than Jules Feiffer's son who...

Went to Julliard for a

decade, and dated that...

Gay guy from Ugly Betty.

- Okay.

Okay, okay...

Let's just say that I will help

you guys brainstorm this movie.

Okay? and we can take

one step at a time.

Great, thanks. Thank you.

But the Sand Dune screenwriter's

lab deadline is in 2 weeks.

And we have to make that deadline.

What do we have to do for the deadline?

The first 10 pages of scripts...

A letter of intent, and to...

Set ours apart...

We want to film a 5

minutes teaser trailer.

Teaser trailer?

- Support me!

Okay.

Okay...

Does Halley have to play herself?

Couldn't we get like Mamie Gummer?

Michael!

- Okay, okay.

I will help you guys with

your teaser trailer...

We'll see how that goes.

And then we'll move from there. Okay?

Deal.

Halley, oh my God!

- oh No!

Halley!

Bye!

Thank you for my bandages.

See you soon.

Text me if you're lonely.

What are you doing for thanksgiving?

Why did he say that

was your last 911 visit?

I think he has a drinking problem.

It's really sad, actually.

Tracee?

Tracee!

Oh my God! Tracee!

I haven't seen you since the show ended.

Are you out running

errands for Ben Stiller?

Yeah, he has me running all around

town, buying specially engraved Ipods...

For his housekeepers.

You are so lucky you get to assist

such a dream boat of a movie star.

Does he ever...

Ask about me?

No, Halley.

His experience on broad day

with you was not very positive.

Okay, if he does ever change

his mind about my HJ offer...

I would totally check my avails...

What's up with your face?

- It's for a part.

Are you gonna meet Ben Stiller

right now, by any chance?

Yes, he's rented a

hollistic colonic studio...

For his whole family and

staff for labor day...

So we're gonna go have

dinner and go over there, why?

Please, can I come? Please...

No, Halley.

- Please, please...

No!

- Please, please...

No!

Halley, we're gonna go back upstairs!

Okay, bye Master Urie...

So good seeing you, thank you

so much for directing my movie.

Bye Tracee!

- Bye Ryan!

What movie?

- I'll tell you all about it on our way to meet Master Stiller.

Can you see my tits in this thing?

Yeah, your nipples look

really good and hard...

Like little baby finger tubs.

- Really?

Thank you.

Who are you texting?

I'm texting with Stiller...

And he said he's not coming to

dinner, now that you've crashed.

What?

- Halley, the last time you saw him...

You asked him if you could make

a semen milkshake with his seed.

It'll make a really good shake.

But regardless, did you ask him if he

wants a life changing role in my movie?

Yeah, he said his eardrums

were clicking last night...

So he didn't get much sleep,

so he can't do the movie.

Lame.

Thanks.

No, no honey.

No sugar, no fruit toast.

I have an eating disorder.

Way to set a boundary, girlfriend.

I'm so proud of you, i

think it's so progressive...

How open you are about

your anorexia and bulimia.

Thank you.

You know they do say that

the first step to recovery...

Is actually admitting

that you have a problem.

Yeah, maybe we can be roomates in rehab.

Okay, I'm gonna go to the

bathroom and change my tampon...

And maybe wash my hands. BRB.

Hey this is Jesse.

Leave a message, i'll get back to

you as soon as possible, thanks.

Hey Jesse, it's Halley again.

I have some very

exciting news to tell you.

There's some super amazing stuff

going on in my life right now...

I can really use a friend to

share all this bounty with.

Anywho...

I was just having a dream...

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