He's Way More Famous Than You Page #4

And I'm thinking of you.

I remember how much fun we had in

between set of Squid and the Whale...

That must have seemed like

a million years ago for you...

You've done so many movies since then.

But...

Sometimes when things are really good...

You can feel really lonely.

I wonder if that's how

you felt on Oscar night.

I hope it isn't but...

If it is, I just want you to know...

You're not alone.

Anyway...

That's all, I love you.

Hope you're doing good.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, totally.

So now that the Still'meister' is out...

Who's gonna play

Ryan's part in my movie?

Tracee, we have to get

someone more famous than Ryan.

Can you imagine walking

down the street...

And passing a movie poster

with Ryan's face on it?

Ew!

No one would go see that movie.

Let me lob this idea to

you and see what you bite.

In exchange for an

executive producer credit...

How would it tickle you...

If I were to contact my dear friend...

And genius, Ralph Macchio.

Stay golden, Ponyboy.

Stay golden.

Don't die on me, Johnny.

Don't die.

Come on, Johnny. Don't die.

Don't die on me, Johnny. Don't die!

Johnny, come on!

This is what you get...

This is what you get for helping people.

Bastards!

No!

That was a dramatization of...

My favorite scene from The Outsider...

Starring Ralph Macchio

as a gentle beast.

Wow.

Hand me the Karate Kid

on a silver platter...

Wearing only a doylie...

And you've got yourself an EP credit.

We are gonna win Oscars.

Cheers!

Mr Feiffer, so good to see you.

Thank you for letting

us shoot at your house.

This is my prop beer?

Yes mam.

- Awesome, can we swap it up for a real beer?

No.

What about a light beer?

Listen, my friend worked at

Harry and the Henderson...

And she said that John Lithgow...

Does coke on all his sets.

Right.

She said that John Lithgow does

coke in the middle of scenes...

While they were filming

and you can't even tell.

Okay, it's my dad's country estate

and I can do whatever I want, so...

Hey Halley, how's it going?

Tracee, how do you think it's going?

There's no Rose, there's

no birthday cake...

I specifically ask for

a claw-footed bathtub...

Complete with splendid bubbles...

And Lou fat muffins?

Serves me right to ask the

anorexic bulimic girl to stock...

The craft services table.

Look, we still haven't

heard from Macchio.

No no, no!

I can't shoot any

scenes with my brother.

He's terrible, it would be like

doing theater in Los Angeles.

Just start shooting with that.

And once we get Ralph,

and we will get Ralph...

We'll just impose him

in with 3 shoots...

Or green screens, or

mirrors, or CGI or something.

I'm trusting you with my life, Tracee.

The Sand Dune screenwriter's

lab dead line is in 10 days.

My word is my oyster.

Hey Halley.

Hey.

- Hey.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah.

Totally.

Can I get a PA to make you

some coffee or something?

We have a devolumaker.

A devolumaker?

Yeah, Stiller's idea.

What?

- Yeah.

He wanted it, according to Tracee.

Wait, Ben Stiller?

- Yeah.

He got us a check.

Isn't that rad?

- No, shut the front door.

Tracee didn't tell you that Ben

Stiller is subsidizing the film?

Anyway, what I wanted

to talk to you about...

Was I would just...

Love it if for the rest

of today, you could...

You could really try to

stay focus, because...

This really means a lot to me.

So sweet.

- Thanks.

It's like my one chance.

- So excited.

It is. Very exciting. And

i think you and I should...

Be able to trust each other.

I took a weekend long

workshop on trust at an Asrham.

Upstate.

And action.

We're not even on set.

I'm walking, walking to set.

Walking on to a hot set.

What?

What's a hot set?

The Untitled Greenlight

Halley Feiffer Vehicle...

Promo Trailer Project.

Roll scene 1-apple...

Take 1, marker.

Everybody settle...

Here we go, and action.

Hey Michael, you want...

Alright, going again, sorry.

Yeah, going again.

Hey Michael, you...

Cut, cut, cut...

No.

Nurse Martha...

Can you fix my mustache?

Yes, Halley?

Can we unplugged Dad's breathing machine

real quick? It'll be just like a second.

Dad, is it okay with you?

No, Halley no...

It's fine, we don't need to

unplugged the breathing machine.

Really?

- Yeah, it's fine...

Why don't you head back

to set? It's totally fine.

You're the boss.

Alright, do again?

Can you move?

Thank you.

- Is everything okay?

Yes, Ryan. It's not about you.

Alright, going again.

The "Untitled Greenlight

Halley Feiffer Vehicle Porno".

Promo Trailer Project...

Take 2, mark.

Here we go.

Very still, and action!

Hey Michael, you want to try it in my butt again?

- Halley!

No, I don't.

We're only have a couple of weeks left to get this draft done.

- Cut, cut.

Ryan, why are you talking like that?

Because I did a little reseach.

Googled Chernus.

He's eastern Europian.

From Russia.

Chekov, Smirnoff...

Stop it, you sound like an a**hole.

Didn't you listen to Austin Penddleton's

dialect tapes like I told you to?

Michael, I can't do this, Michael.

Halley...

Yeah, I can't do this. Stop it Ryan!

This is horrible. We have to stop now.

It's okay Halley, let's just keep going.

It sounds okay?

Yeah, it's fine.

Don't believe you.

Let's keep going, okay?

Let's keep going, okay!

Okay! Don't have to yell!

Thank you, Michael.

Yeah.

- Thank you Michael.

Here we go...

- Can you just give me one second?

Michael...

She's really thirsty.

Alright, let me do it again.

Here we go.

- Ready?

Yes, and...

Action.

Hey Michael, you want to

try it in my butt again?

Yup, I didn't... Moving ahead.

Halley, please.

- Moving ahead!

You want to...

Drunk dial Ryan, cocksucker?

Yeah, that's really funny.

Cut! Cut!

Tracee...

Could you go in there

please and smell her beer?

Yeah, copy that.

I'm ready to go again.

Now...

- Alright, flying in...

10-1, everybody.

I'm stepping on to a hot set.

- Wait...

Tracee, what are you doing in the scene?

Come later, you're not in the scene.

I know, I need your prop.

Why? They're my prop.

I know, but I need to take it.

No!

- I'm sorry, honey.

No!

- Halley!

No!

Stop it!

Jesus...

Halley, you hurt me!

You hurt me everyday,

I'm making a movie...

I'm so mad right now.

- Halley, wow...

Everybody's here,

there's too many people...

I don't understand. It's

a closed set, Michael.

Ryan, Ryan... Babe, are you okay?

No, she really hurt me.

Hey, give me some more Rose.

No, no...

No...

What?

- Oh no.

Halley, come on.

Get away!

Something's burning.

Cut.

It's not good at all.

Halley?

- I love you guys.

Hola, halo.

Bon giornio.

Hi.

My name is Halley Feiffer.

And I am not an alcoholic.

I just really love drinking.

Hi.

Me as a key pronto, because

I'm making a movie and...

My brother and his gay boyfriend...

Told me that I have to come here if i

want to keep being in the movie, so...

Oh and since you're all wondering...

That was me in The

Squid and the Whale...

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