He's Way More Famous Than You Page #5

So please respect my anonymity...

Okay.

- Yeah.

Do you want a 24 hour coin?

Are they free?

- Oh yeah.

Then definitely.

Passing it really slowly, thank you.

Oh my God.

Natasha Lyonne?

Twin Choice breakout star from

The Slums of Beverly Hills?

That's why it's anonymous.

I'm so sorry.

I will totally respect your anonymity.

Above your American rights.

Alright, why don't we close

out with a serenity prayer?

Pass those back.

I'll do whatever you say.

I'm happy to hear about your dog.

You got a sponsor?

What? No, I never had sex with a woman.

Sorry, I was just enchanted by...

Your volumenece eyelashes

and impressive resume.

What did you ask me?

- Do you have a sponsor?

No, I'm not really an alcoholic.

You look like an alcoholic.

Listen, if you want somebody to

talk to. To answer your questions...

Take you through the steps...

I'd be happy to work with you.

Really?

- Yeah.

If you just want to go

grab a drink or something...

Hit me up... Just kidding...

I don't drink anymore.

Anyway, here's my number.

- Is this your agent's number?

That's my cellphone number.

Think you can smoke in here?

Bye guys!

Keep coming back!

I'm talking to you.

Oh my God Ryan, this 12 steps thing...

Is so awesome.

I totally got Natasha Lyonne

from But I Met Cheerleader.

To be my sponsor.

I'm gonna go to every meeting in town...

To find my entire cast. Bye.

Oh God, no.

Oh my Buddha!

THis isn't happening.

Ben! Ben!

Big hug, big hug!

Ben, remember me from Broadway?

Hai Haley...

It's Halley, but you can

call me whatever you want.

How are you? You look so good.

You look so tan.

I heard you have a house there.

Was it nice? Did you go snorkeling?

Anyway, how are you? What are you doing?

Are you on your way to a

meeting? Like a big movie meeting?

What are you meeting about? Greenberg 2?

Do you need someone to fill

in for the Gerwitz girl?

She's so hot right now.

I'm obviously so jealous of her, but...

Just trying to be nice.

Can you go?

Yeah.

- Bye...

Bye, wait, wait...

Real quick.

- What?

It means a lot that

you're talking to me...

Because I really thought you

would never speak to me again...

After I asked you to throw

your hotdog down my hall ways.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I can't do this, you're

too upsetting to me.

Oh, muscles...

Oh, it hurts a little bit...

But in a good way.

Anyway, I just want to say thank

you so much for funding my film...

We're gonna kick ass at Sand Dunes.

What film?

What film? Hello... The Untitled Greenlight

Halley Feiffer Vehicle Promo Trailer Project.

You're executive producer.

Tracee was swiping your card

yesterday at like a KFC..

And we just thank you so much.

We could not have done it without you.

Beep, got your nose.

Sorry, sorry.

Wait a minute, Tracee?

- Yeah, Tracee.

Tracee?

- Yeah.

Tracee, you know Tracee.

I fired Tracee 2 days ago.

Yeah.

I don't understand.

She stole from me.

Freakshow.

Of all the streets in New York.

Tracee!

Get your fat ass sorry ass, ass feet...

Down here!

Halley?

I need to talk to you.

Womano a womano.

Okay, hold down to your

chihuahas, i'll be right down.

Hi, Halley.

How are you?

Wow, you look really pretty.

I know I do.

Now shut your bloated face...

And listen carefully to the words...

Spewing from my silvery lips.

You...

Are...

A..

Genius.

I thought you were mad at me.

How could little old me be mad...

To such a ravishing A-corn...

You secured funding for my film...

By extortinating Ben Stiller.

I have neer seen...

Such ingenuety...

Such resourcefulness...

Such resolved...

The word no...

Does not exist in your dojo.

Taste like fairy dew.

You make our film priority...

Against all odds...

You set your eyes on the prize...

And you didn't let go

until the fat lady sings.

And you don't even know how to sing.

Cupcake.

Hollywood!

More like Halleywood...

It's all thanks to you.

Let me treat you well...

Grasshopper...

Can we go upstairs?

I can't.

I just can't.

Yes.

I can't.

- Yes.

We...

Can...

Yes, I can!

You want some coffee?

Do you have half and half?

Just Almond milk.

- That's fine, just 2 spoons.

So, Michael and Ryan said...

We can't resume principle

fotography unless you stop drinking.

Did it, on it, love it.

Natasha Lyonne is my sponsor.

Next.

Natasha Lyonne?

SHe was sparkling in

the Efron Sisters...

Love lust and what

i wore off Broadway...

You think she'll be

willing to do our movie?

On it, totally on the burner.

As soon as I finish

my 4 step inventory...

I'm totally gonna ask her to

make a special cameo appereance.

Well, snap snap, girlfriend.

Because we have to start

shooting this kitten wagon...

Before Stiller's lawyers

up and presses charges.

Could we kidnap him?

Brilliant.

We only have a little

less than a week...

To finish the trailer, edit it...

And get that b*tch postmarked and in

the mail for the Sand Dune peeps in LA.

And I have to shoot it with Ryan?

Actually, I have a little surprise...

Stewing on the stove for you.

Just give me one hot sec.

Driver, this is good.

Sir, I'm just gonna hang in here...

While she runs out and

grabs something real quick.

If that's cool, you can

keep the meter running...

Yeah, that's fine,

take your time. Come on.

Where are you from?

Pakistan.

Hot.

I was a doctor back home, you know?

Could you stop bragging?

it makes me uncomfortable.

Hey, this is jesse.

Leave a message, i'll get back to

you as soon as possible, thanks.

Hey Jesse, it's Halley again.

I was hoping to catch

you on the phone...

So I wouldn't have to

tell you in a message.

But...

I wrote a script and it looks

like Ben Stiller is producing it...

It's very funny...

Gotta run, I'm having a

meeting wtih Stiller right now.

Be safe...

Okay, we're all set.

Take us back home now please. Thank you.

You're crazy!

Yeah!

So, what's this bubbling surprise about?

Turns out Macchio loves books...

We can pressed your family pedegree.

So he agrees to meet with you.

For a half hour about

the movie, tonight.

Let me go!

There, there Stiller.

- Tracee!

Tracee, you're fired. Again!

I know.

I will end you!

Tracee, when/where is

this Macchio meeting...

To occur?

Your pad, 7 tonight.

I gave him the address.

- Perv.

You have to seal the deal.

Thank God I just got

my choochi bedazzled.

I forgot!

I bought this bottle of

champagne for you for tonight.

But Tracee, remember?

I can't drink anymore.

You can deal with your

drinking problem anytime.

But the deadline for the

screenwriter's lab is in a week...

So get your priority straight.

I hate you guys!

What do we do about Ryan?

Oh, he will be so happy...

We got Daniel san to be in your film.

He will totally sacrifice his

role for something so vital.

I am powerful!

I'll hang you!

Totally.

Surely.

I'm gonna smack the

freckles of your stupid face.

Good thing you've done all of

that period work, baby girl.

This is for you, mom.

Coming.

Hey, I'm Ralph.

Wax on...

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