He's Way More Famous Than You Page #6

Wax off.

Wax on...

Wax off.

Let me know if you need

a hand with that wax.

Konichiwa.

Sensei Macchio.

I have a question for you.

I have both reservoir tip...

ANd none, if that's what you're asking.

It's noted.

But what I want to know... Is it...

Cool if my scene partner

from Austin Penddleton's...

acting class sits on your

couch when we have our meeting?

We're working on

'Streetcar" and I couldn't...

Find a Starbucks in this area, so i...

Is that cool?

Your scene part...

- Is that cool?

Yeah, of course...

Great.

Yeah, it can be a party.

Yeah.

Hi.

I'm Mamie.

- This is Halley Feiffer.

Halley Feiffer.

You're Jesse Eisenberg's friend.

Oh my God, he loves you.

He speaks so highly

of you, we were just...

Pot looking on the vineyard.

Hey.

I love your outfit.

It's so fun.

So fun.

- Are you...

Is it like a costume party or something?

Yeah.

Ralph, Jesse really...

Wouldn't stop talking.

About Halley while they

were snapping lobster...

He thinks she's awesome.

You should totally do her movie.

What's the part?

You'd play my boyfriend.

Nice.

Do we get to have sex?

Ralph!

I need to know what to tell

my wife when I bring home STD.

I'm just kidding.

He's so bad.

So bad.

You like me that way.

Cause you're my Blanche.

And I will...

Take you sexually.

Stanley...

Stanley...

But Stanley, you're my husband.

I was just... Being Stella.

Listen, what are you

shooting? Just a short film?

Very short.

Mamie has great taste.

We all enjoy the talent

of a dead gay writer...

So, before we hold you from your costume

party, why don't you give me the script?

Okay, one second.

She's adorable.

- She's so funny.

Look at that.

Okay.

Wow...

- Flashy.

ALlright, i'll give it a read.

I promise.

Great.

- Right away.

It was really nice to meet you.

Finally.

Have fun at your party.

- I'll see you.

She's really talented.

- And hot.

Did you see those legs?

Shut up.

Come on.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Good morning.

Good morning, Sean.

What a beautiful day.

Bye dad, thanks for

making yourself scarce.

Good morning everyone.

I've arrived.

I love an early call time.

Good job you.

I can't wait to start shooting.

Ow!

Guys, where's Tracee? Doesn't

she know she's in the scene?

She's not picking up her phone.

Does anyone have eyes on our director?

I hate Tracee, you know what?

That's okay, I know a better actress

who's much prettier and famouser.

Hi, Natasha. Natasha Lyonne.

Hi, it's Halley. Are you busy right now?

You are?

No no, I'm fine. It's just...

I'm going through a really

rough time, and I might...

I might drink.

Really? thank you so much.

I'll text you the address.

Okay, great. Thank you so much.

Morning, Halley.

You seem rested and perky.

You know, it's just one day at a time.

Wow...

You're 24 hour coin.

I'm gonna get enough to give one to each

and every member of this fantastic crew.

That's so awesome, Halley.

and I just called Julliard and tell them

that I'm not gonna be returning this fall.

I think this movie is trully

a game changer for us both.

Yeay...

Hey guys, we got to skip...

To the bedroom scene,

because Tracee's not here.

So, could you just get

dressed for that, Halley?

Sure, can we wait like an hour?

No, we cannot wait an hour.

You need to get dressed now.

Oh my God, that mustache. -

You want to touch it? - No.

Ew.

Director's heading to set.

Come on, Macchio.

Oh yes. Yes...

Are you fully erect?

- Yes.

your penis feels really small.

Halley...

- Ryan!

I cannot act with you if you're

talking in that stupid voice.

Can you just not tell me how

to interprete my character?

Michael Urie is the director, not you.

Halley.

- What?

Stop telling Ryan what to do.

Thank you.

Ryan, don't do the accent.

See?

- You don't need to decorate your performance.

Okay.

Alright guys, focus.

Remember the given circumstances.

- Alright.

It's the last night

of your relationship.

You love each other but you're

tearing each other apart.

Okay, here we go.

And action.

Are you gully erect?

- Yeah.

Your penis feels really small.

- Halley...

What, wait...

Why is there somebody back there?

Who is back there?

What?

Holding.

Hold, hold!

Sh*t, I'm sorry.

Is that Ralph Macchio?

ralph!

Oh my God.

My God...

Cut cut...

Holding, holding...

Class...

This is Ralph Macchio.

You might remember this teen

dream from such blockbusters...

As My Cousin Vinny, The Karate Kid...

And the Outsider...

Which he played a young yo yo...

Master Macchio.

This is team Feiffer, go Team!

Hey everyone.

- Hi Ralph.

Hi.

Can I get some sides?

- Yeah sure.

Here are Ryan's side.

Thanks.

- What are you doing, Halley?

Ryan...

It's Ralph Macchio, let's

call a spade a spade...

Ryan...

I don't understand why

you're so upset about this.

He's Ralph Macchio, he's

famous so he's our real star...

You're not famous, so

you're worth nothing.

What?

What's going on?

technical difficulties. Holding...

Halley...

- Holding.

Babe, just don't waste your breath.

She's not worth it. She's

clearly mentally ill.

alcoholics are the elite of the mentally ill.

- Hey.

Gay guy from Ugly Betty, I worked with you.

- Hey Ralph.

I can't believe that I trusted you.

I worked really hard on this.

This was gonna be our chance.

My one chance.

Ryan...

You can't make an omelette...

If you don't even have the chicken.

And one day you will be a chicken...

I could promise you that, but...

Right now, you're more like a...

Tiny creamy chikidee thingy...

That was ripped out of the uterus

of a great preteen chicken...

Who shouldn't have been

having a baby anyway.

I can be a chicken.

- Babe, don't waste your breath.

Just let it go.

No, Michael where are you going?

We have a movie to make.

I scored Ralph Macchio...

I scored a bonafide teen hearthrobe.

- Halley...

Celebrities don't make a movie great.

Heart is what makes a movie great.

And you have no heart.

I'm sorry everybody, but that's it.

Sorry for wasting your time, but...

You can go ahead and pack

it up. This movie is wrapped.

What? - Yeah.

- Wrapped?

No, no...

No, that is fine...

We still have Ralph Macchio...

I'll just make my movie with Ralph.

Right, Ralph?

I'll snap you in half.

Did you ever see The Karate

Kid? The action sequence?

Just like that.

Just like that...

- Hot.

You know what, this

is all Tracee's fault.

She's the one ruining

this movie, not me.

It was her idea to replace Ryan with Ralph Macchio.

- Halley!

Tracee...

Tracee, i...

No!

Alright...

I was in the Squid and the Whale.

What?

Halley?

Halley?

Natasha?

So I guess you drink.

Oh my God.

Nata... Wow I can't even believe...

You're here, okay...

Do you think you can

convincingly portrait...

The role of my ex

boyfriend Michael Chernus...

In my movie?

Let's put this thing down, why don't

we go downstairs to have coffee?

Natasha, I don't have time for coffee.

The Sand Dune screenwriter

lab's deadline is in 3 days.

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