He's Way More Famous Than You Page #7

Put the screenwriter's lab on

the back burner for a second.

If you don't want coffee, we could

get you some nice green juice maybe?

Kale smoothie...

- Kale smoothie?

Spinach, lemon ginger...

Some chayenne pepper?

- I don't think so.

I think I rather die.

You keep this sh*t up, you might die.

What are you... Natasha!

I don't have a drinking problem!

Okay?

I went to your 12 step meeting...

And you guys were really

nice but a little boring...

And now my break from

drinking is done and I'm fine.

Obviously, look.

I'm drinking, nothing's happening.

So thank you so much for your help.

But just because you

can't drink anymore...

It doesn't mean that I can't.

Is this how you drink?

Do you want to smell the bottle?

Get this sh*t away from

me, what is wrong with you?

Back in the 90s, I was

supposed to be the Sundance kid.

I was too boozed up.

That's you, I'm different and younger.

We were all younger.

If you want my help...

You know where to find me.

If not, good luck alright?

Break a leg, this is an important movie.

No, Natasha, come on.

Natasha...

natasha...

F***.

Yeah?

I need help.

That's a start.

It's gonna be alright.

Thank you.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

God Ryan, I'm so so sorry.

I never should have replaced

you with Ralph Macchio.

I love you so much.

I think you're so talentd.

I've spent the last 12 hours...

In 12 steps meetings, and...

I've actually stayed.

I've actually listened.

And I really want to change.

I really want to try to stop drinking.

A day at a time.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Will you come with me to Los Angeles?

We can make a pitch to

the Sand Dune people...

And convince them in person as a team...

To make our film.

Our film?

Yeah.

Our.

Bagel?

No carbs, I'm a movie star now.

You're so cute.

Alright, let's start packing.

Like right now?

Yeah, we gotta go. the

deadline is in 8 hours.

Okay.

Really?

Yeah, I'm not f***ing around.

- Let me take that.

Okay, here's the elevator.

- Okay, press it.

Come on, why is it taking so long?

It's okay Ryan, we can wait.

Why is it taking so long?

- Okay, let's go.

Can you hold the door?

- Hold the door!

Get out of the way, move!

- I need a break.

Let's take a break.

God, I'm so tired.

Are you okay?

Ryan, Ryan...

I think that's Sand Dune.

I think it's right there.

- Where? - Right there.

Let's go.

- Alright, go go...

Can you hold the door?

- Hold the door, hold the door!

Go go...

- I'm gonna leave my suitcase here.

Leave it.

- Hi.

I need water.

- No time for water.

Hi. - Are you

guys okay? - Yeah.

We're here to see the

President of the...

Sand Dunes institute screenwriter

lab of the Sand Dunes institute.

For?

- We have an idea...

What are you talking about?

I was in the...

- She was in the Squid and the Whale!

The Squid and the Whale?

Noah Baumbach's cinematic masterpiece?

Ring ding ding dong.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't recognize you on all four.

Jesse will be so excited to see you.

Jesse?

Jesse Eisenberg, he's our

guest celebrity judge this year.

Halley?

Oh God... Jesse...

It's like seeing an angel.

Come on, I hate it when

you talk to me like that.

I love it when you tell me

that you hate things that I do.

Okay, why don't you guys get up of the floor?

- No.

We like being on the floor, because

it shows our difference to you.

Jesus Christ, okay.

Okay...

It's fun down here, right?

Right, how are you doing Ryan?

Hey Jesse, it's really great

to see you. You look handsome.

Thanks, so what are you guys doing here?

I'm sorry I never returned your calls.

Your messages kinda freak me out.

I'm so sorry, I know I freak myself out.

I called you drunk and I make up these

stories about how great I'm doing.

I just want you to think I'm cool.

Obviously I haven't been that cool.

But I really am trying to change.

And part of that change is

taking my life into my own hands.

Please, let us pitch

our movie idea for you.

I don't know.

- Please.

Please.

- Please.

Please...

- Yeah, please.

Alright, what the hell? It's 5 minutes.

Thank you, Jesse.

- It's like legalized gay marriage, Jesse.

Now, do you have a fling

thrower, 3 teacups, and a company?

3 teacups?

- No, we don't have teacups.

That is fine, we'll do it acapella.

Okay, should I loosen up for this?

- Yeah.

Here we go.

I'm gonna drop you down, ready?

Get down on your knees.

- Okay.

I'm gonna push your head.

- Push it in.

Alright.

- AAghhh...

5... 6.. and 5... 6.. 7... 8.

We wrote a movie starring both of us.

It's amazing, I play me.

- And I'm Michael Chernus.

There's foot cam and anal...

But before we're through...

In comes Ralph Macchio.

And Urie packs up the crew.

That's a wrap.

Then it's dramatic,

lots of drinking alone.

And my sponsor is Natasha Lyonne.

Jesse, so sorry for

drunk dialing your phone.

We were just hoping you

would throw us a bone.

Tracee got Ben Stiller's

money and he don't like honey.

Crashing the 12 steps...

Bandaged by her paramedics!

Then comes redemption.

Glory as it is.

And that's how it all...

All... -

Works... - Yeah...

Fish her in, fish her in...

Works out!

Vanessa Williams.

Bang.

That's it.

- Okay, that's it.

Thank you guys.

- Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I'm completely confused here.

Yeah, me too. I'm not

sure what it is you want.

I don't mean to be dense, but...

What is the movie idea? I don't get it.

Umm...

Yeah, it's basically about...

A girl in the ballet...

And she has to play 2

different kinds of swans...

And 1 is really nice and

sweet, and the other...

Very dark and sexy. And

how does she play both?

Basically.

Halley.

Okay, you're right.

That song has nothing to

do with our movie idea.

No, Ryan's right. Yeah.

Oh my God.

My whole life i've just been...

Trying to do the least

amount of work possible.

Trying to trick people to

give me things I don't deserve.

Yeah...

Again, I don't mean to be obtuse,

but I think we're probably...

Wondering what is the movie?

We don't know.

- We don't know.

We have no idea.

- We are totally unprepared for this meeting.

It really breaks my heart...

Because I have dream

about this moment...

My whole life.

You know what, Ryan? It's okay.

Let's go.

We finally have humility...

Okay, bye Halley thanks a lot. Bye Ryan.

Have a good flight.

So that's it?

Yeah, you're not gonna try to stop us?

No, I think we've got it.

Yeah.

- Thank you.

I'm not sure exactly what we've got...

Jesse...

- Yeah I know.

Sorry, I'm not really sure

what it is you want us to say.

I don't know.

Don't forget your keyboard...

Application.

Bye, good luck.

Great energy.

Hey guys, wait up.

Listen, before you go...

For whatever it's worth...

You both seem to have such a..

Unique connection, and I think...

Maybe if you look into that...

You might have an interesting story.

Alright, okay... Thank you Ryan.

Thank you Jesse.

- THanks.

Thank you so much, really

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes