Hell's Kitty Page #3

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How can you be so sure?

I used to be ailurophobia.

A fear of cats.

But that's not what this is.

This is phasmophobia.

(shrieks)

I'm getting out of here.

Wait, you forgot this!

Phasmophobia?

Fear of ghosts?

(meowing)

Hmm?

So is that the diary?

Mmmhm.

Written by a woman

you don't remember

dating who apparently

hated your cat.

What were you thinking?

I thought I

needed a therapist.

"The trouble started with

the cat,

so I'll kill the cat and end

all that.

And as for ye who

mocks what's written,

you'll die just like

that pesky kitten.

As I conjure a joke of my own

to come and slay

thee in thy home."

Your ex wrote that?

The whole thing's like

that filled with spells.

The girl thought she was

a witch and hated Angel.

What I can't figure out is why

I don't remember dating her.

Maybe you blocked it out.

Sounds like you should

stick with your cat.

It's probably safer.

I love Angel.

But I never can love love Angel.

It was a joke, I was just

trying to cheer you up.

Why would anyone wanna poison

my cat?

(yawns)

I don't know what's

gotten over me.

Why don't you get some sleep.

Yeah.

(thunder booms)

(menacing laughter)

(shoes squeaking)

(menacing laughter)

(hissing)

(clown nose honking)

(groaning)

(shoes squeaking)

(Angel meowing)

Angel?

Angel?

(water percolating)

(knocking)

(dramatic sting)

Lisa?

I thought you were dead.

Are you?

Where is that hell cat?

Look, you're upset and sick.

Very sick.

(vomits)

You're the one who's sick,

Nick.

You should've listened to me.

Don't make me eat your ear.

It was a nightmare.

You don't know nightmares!

I'm haunted every time I close

my eyes.

(coughs)

I ran away, but the

nightmares followed me.

This disease, it's getting under

my skin.

Gross.

I can't get a date for

Valentine's Day.

Not to mention what this has

done to my acting career!

(sobs) I'm sorry!

What do you want me to do?

Lick my foot.

You serious?

[Lisa] Tell me you like them.

I like them.

Convince me.

Precious.

My precious, my precious.

My sweet, sweet precious.

Now get up!

This is just the beginning.

It's a shame.

We could've been something,

you and I.

Together, we could've

ruled the world.

(coughs)

This isn't over!

(Angel meowing)

Angel?

Angel?

Angel!

(Angel meowing)

[Publisher] Why did Angel

run away?

I don't know for sure.

Did you ever find out where

she went?

No.

Valentine's Day was right

around the

corner and once again

I was alone.

(knocking)

Happy VD, buddy!

Looks like you started

without me.

Aww, is that your kitty?

So sad.

I lost a cat once.

I hate toilets.

All right.

Let's get this party started,

it's Valentine's Day!

(cheering)

Happy Valentine's Day to you,

gorgeous.

Cheers.

[Lindsey] Yes, my sexy love.

Cheers.

(laughter)

My chainsaw slices

away the fat

I wanna dine on

something more

And it's time to (mumbles)

Something's scratching

at your door

Well now you're

gonna wake up

To the nightmare

that's in store

Well I'm a chainsaw kitty

Chainsaw kitty

Chainsaw kitty

Chainsaw kitty

Chainsaw kitty

Chainsaw kitty

(music distorts)

(record scratch)

You're coming with me

to my hostel.

Can I tear open your heart?

Oh, sure.

Oh God.

This is almost as good as sex.

(giggles)

I have to use the bathroom.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Love love.

Boo.

Did I scare you?

Where's Adam?

Unconscious.

Where's Lindsey?

Do you like pain?

Not in particular.

Do you?

Choke me.

(moaning)

Hey, stop!

Stop, what are you doing?

I can't breathe!

Don't do it!

What are you doing here?

Adam passed out, so I

thought I'd join you two.

(laughter)

Maybe I should leave.

- Shut up.

- Shut up.

(Angel meowing)

Angel?

(loud bang)

What was that?

I tawt I saw a puddy cat.

(laughter)

You did, you did see a

puddy cat.

(laughter)

Where'd she go?

I don't see anything.

(dramatic sting)

(shrieking)

You bleeding?

I'm so jealous.

Come on, let me see this.

Are you okay?

Ow!

God!

Oh God.

You're scratched.

Do you want me to call a doctor?

Angel.

I'm yours.

(meowing and scratching)

(moaning)

Open up.

Open the door.

(moaning)

Oh yeah.

(dramatic sting)

(screaming)

[Laurie] Is she all right now?

She's fine now that she's back

with me.

I was referring to the girl

who fell down the stairs.

Oh, um...

Mild concussion

and a few scratches.

More shook up than

anything else.

And how do you feel

about everything?

Horrible.

Like giving up on dating

women altogether.

Safer for everyone that way.

[Laurie] That would

be a shame.

You think so?

Yes I do, you have so much

to offer the right woman.

Hold on a second.

(meowing)

Now where were we?

I was telling you that I

really think...

(ominous atmosphere music)

(growling)

We shouldn't be doing this.

You sure?

[Laurie] This isn't

helping you.

No, it's helping.

It's helping big time.

[Ghostly Voice] Meow.

What was that noise?

What?

[Ghostly Voice] Meow.

That.

I don't hear anything.

I have a bad feeling that

if I stay

here things are gonna

get out of hand.

It'll be fine.

I promise.

No, no, I'm sorry,

I have to go.

Don't.

Had we met under better

circumstances, maybe.

(ominous atmosphere music)

(phone ringing)

(phone vibrates)

Nick?

Nick!

(door creaking)

(Psycho theme music)

Adam.

What are you doing here

with a knife?

Why are you dressed like

Miss Bates?

Because I love you, man.

(screaming)

Are you here to kill me?

Not really.

I actually wanna kill

that therapist b*tch.

Then I came to my senses.

I'm not a murderer,

I'm an artist.

An artist?

There is no

downstairs neighbor.

I made her up.

What?

Yeah, it was me all along.

I needed an excuse to get you

to come visit me downstairs.

What did you need an

excuse for?

'Cause you care

about that stupid

cat more than you care about me.

You're the one who

needs a therapist.

(meowing and scratching)

(screaming)

Oh, and since we're bearing

all here,

I never really thought

your cat was possessed.

I was just jealous because

you loved her more than me.

You cold?

I painted the pentagram

on the mirror,

I put the fake blood

in the hallway

and I put the tongue

in the bedroom.

You mean that wasn't

Miss Rommel's tongue?

No buddy, it was a fake.

And a pretty good one too

if I do say so myself.

Convinced the crap out of you.

Why?

'Cause I wanted to convince

you to get rid of that cat.

Ever since you got her, I lost

my wingman.

We used to party, we used

to do things together.

So you did those

things because

you wanted your wingman back?

Mostly, but then I realized

there was something more.

What?

I realized that I didn't

just want my wingman back.

I wanted my wingman...

In the back.

(Psycho theme music)

Are you gonna get that?

Are you trying to

tell me that you're gay?

(Laurie screaming)

That's not me.

(dramatic sting)

And that's not me either.

[Publisher] So I guess

that's when your love

affair with the therapist

came to an abrupt end.

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