Henry's Crime Page #5

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- Yeah, I do.

- Then you're gonna be Lopakhin.

End of story. You're gonna be great.

I swear to you.

- It's crazy.

- You're gonna be great.

I'll call you back.

Darek, she's taking

a phone call in the middle...

I did not take it.

It's exactly what I did not do.

Listen, I was thinking here,

you could step backstage.

(SHOUTING)

- What's going on?

- You unprofessional...

- Mr Milodragovich.

...sh*t!

Arnold's quitting.

- What?

- He's quitting.

We're talking about Willie Loman.

The West End.

A Ken Waterstone production.

Ooh, a Ken Waterstone production!

The heavens have opened (!)

You're a lucky boy. Well, go, yes.

Run, run to that

pampering, populist...

(SIGHS) Great (!)

...piece of sh*t Ken Waterstone

and his finest productions. Ha!

Goodbye, Darek. I'm sorry.

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo (!)

(SHOUTS)

We could have auditions

this afternoon.

- I have a list of...

- That's a sh*t list!

What do you want me to do?

I can't hear you when you're yelling.

What?

No, no, no, sorry.

I can't give you a ride.

I know, no. Before I start,

I just want you to remember

that you said he'd be a natural.

Stan, let me call you back.

- What?

- Henry.

- Henry what?

- He'd be perfect.

Perfect for what?

For Lopakhin.

You mean

Henry should play Lopakhin?

- Yes.

- What the f***! He's not an actor!

Exactly. He's natural.

He'd just be playing himself.

Just give this a little thinkage.

The man is Lopakhin.

I mean, he's a man

who's come from nothing,

he's a man who's not afraid to create

a new life, put his past behind him,

and he's a man in love with you.

Er... Madame Ravinsky.

Ranevsky.

- What did I say?

- Ravinsky.

- I did?

- It's Ranevsky.

That's weird. OK.

Can you maybe

get him in to see Darek?

What's going on here, Max? Hm?

What's going on? What are you doing?

Listen. The truth is,

you need a Lopakhin

and Lopakhin needs a dressing room.

You did this, didn't you?

OK, that... that's fair enough.

OK. OK.

Confidence man.

- Now, get out.

- I was just... I was getting out.

Thanks.

You have no training,

you've never been in a production.

You don't even know the play.

I've read it.

I think I know this scene.

Oh, you think you know? What?

You're a peasant, a nobody.

Start.

Your brother Leonid Andrevich

says I'm an ups...

How can you perform Chekhov

and not be able to say Andre-ye-vich?

- Say it.

- Andreyevich.

Good. Got the name right. Continue.

Your brother Leonid Andreyevich

says I'm an upstart. A money-grubber.

A what?

- A money-grubber.

- Really?

Are you?

- No.

- No?

- No!

- No? But convince her, not me.

Convince her!

Your brother Leonid Andreyevich

says I'm an upstart. A money-grubber.

He can say whatever he likes.

I don't care a bit.

Neither do I.

I just want you to believe in me,

like in the old days.

Now, do you, Djula?

Show me. Tell me.

Yes, please can you show us

something we don't know?

Good God in heaven.

My father

was one of your father's serfs,

and your grandfather's serf

before that.

Boring!

It's all ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

It must come from here.

Speak with your heart.

She's your angel.

Beg her. Beg her for forgiveness.

(Because you're going

to destroy her life.)

(Ask her for forgiveness.)

My father

was one of your father's serfs,

and your grandfather's serf

before that.

But you, you did so much

for me in the old days.

I'd forgotten all that.

I love you.

Like a sister.

More than a sister.

You piece of sh*t! Don't you ever...

(LAUGHS)

Not bad, Djula. Give me a hug.

- No.

- Give me a hug.

- No.

- Give me a hug.

No.

Come here. Come on.

I want to hold hands. Simone!

(GIGGLING)

Argh!

(SIGHS)

Does this make me an accessory?

I think so.

Depends.

On what?

If I get caught.

Things have certainly gotten

more interesting since you showed up.

You mean, since you ran me over.

It's not about the money, is it?

- No.

- Then why are you doing it?

I used to go along with everything.

I didn't know I could change it.

So now I'm changing it.

And robbing a bank is changing it?

It already has.

Can everybody gather round?

Darek wants to address the cast.

Thank you for coming, everybody.

I would like to introduce to you

Henry Smith.

From today, he's going

to do the part of Lopakhin.

If you please.

Thanks. Thank you.

Looking forward to it.

OK, let's take five minutes.

We'll go from the top of act three.

Top of act three, people.

Hold it.

Lower.

Henry.

That is a sh*t-pile of brick.

Yeah.

I think we might need

another pair of hands.

(TV SPORTS COMMENTARY)

No! No!

No!

You've gotta be kidding!

You suck!

You suck!

You suck!

How could you possibly

suck any more?

Sucker.

I suppose that's him?

Yeah, that's him.

No, no, no.

Thanks for meeting us.

Sure.

How are you, Joe?

How's the business?

- You mean the pyramid scheme?

- Yeah.

It all fell apart.

We were banking on that money, Henry.

And now all I got is a garage

full of dumb Korean plastic.

- Excuse me, um... what does that mean?

- Kitchenware.

You see what happens

when a person tries to go legit?

It's killing me.

- It's gonna be OK.

- Really? It is?

You know how much diapers cost?

Huh?

You know how much it costs

to send a kid to college?

You're sending your baby to college?

No, of course not.

But the kid needs stuff.

Stuff that's expensive.

Stuff he deserves.

Joe, we might be able to help.

Yeah? How?

We might have a job for you.

No fooling.

These things are hot.

I'm on fire.

So what do you think?

I think we should get some guns and

get the money through the front door.

No guns. People could get hurt.

- What about fake ones?

- They're still guns.

Joseph, we're not doing

one of those stupid robberies

with tellers and tears

and chump change.

We're digging right through

to the belly of the beast.

(KNOCKING) Henry.

Darek wants you on the stage.

Now. Henry?

I hope we don't get caught.

He's on his way.

Oh, thank you for joining us, Henry.

I hope you're worth the wait.

OK, er... places for

Lopakhin buys the orchard, all right?

Let's pick it up from there.

Places, please, for Lopahkin's speech.

# Some people say

# You got to fight

for a love that's true

# Climb every mountain

# To see every trial

and tribulation through

# And I'm here to tell you

# Ooh, that's only half the lesson,

yeah

# Now if you want a girl

to come to you

# You've got to leave

a little room for guessing, yeah

# Whoa, just be easy, baby

# That girl'll come a-running to you

# If you'll just be easy, baby

# Ah, she'll be easy too

# Don't you know, I don't want

a man down on his knees, no

# Runnin' her down

lik e a mouse at the cheese

# You got to be metal

if you want her affection

# You get too excited

and she's off in another direction

# So be easy, baby

# That girl'll come a-running to you

# If you'll just be easy, baby

# She'll be easy too

# Whoa, be easy, baby... #

What do you guys think?

- If it's a boy, do I cut him or not?

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