Heroes Don't Come Home Page #3

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for seven hours.

Seven miles out.

The Hajis are all

up in the mountains.

F***ing huge, man!

Blister on my big toe so big

I think it's got a f***ing face.

- Esty, let me check my big

book of I don't give a sh*t,

and see if that blister on

your big toe is in there.

Yup, hey it's right there.

Right next to your jock itch

and erectile dysfunction.

- Oh whoa, whoa, whoa.

It wasn't erectile dysfunction.

I have poor circulation.

- Poor circulation.

I'll be sure to

tell that to my wife

the next time I...

- Hi.

Listen.

Just keep trying.

We don't give up.

Now, chop me some ship.

Get in there.

Oh, after you're done,

can you get your father, please?

- Yo, pop!

Pop.

- I refuse to answer to that.

- Pop!

- What?

- Dinner.

- Stop calling me that.

- Calling you what?

- Pop.

God, you're making me feel

so old with that pop sh*t.

- Which is exactly

why he does it.

You're just encouraging him.

- Oh, this smells delicious.

Oh, hey.

You don't know what

you got here, kid.

This broad's a gem.

Hey you remember

your mom's cooking.

- Oh, recipes are

merely a suggestion,

not a requirement.

- Yeah, she was

certainly creative.

- As long as you have

barbecue sauce, it was okay.

- Hah!

Barbecue sauce and

ranch dressing.

They were a whole food group.

That's probably

why you already got

that high blood pressure, huh?

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure

that's because of

your shitty genes.

- Shitty genes, me?

- Okay, sit, sit, sit.

It's ready.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Light on peppers, go.

Some peppers.

- Hmm, no.

That's enough.

- At least two.

- God damn calorie gestapo.

- Did you take your pills?

They're on your nightstand.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- And the surgeon just starts

sawing into this guy's leg

with what was

essentially a chainsaw.

I mean no warning whatsoever.

There was blood and bone

chips shooting everywhere.

- I was taking bone out of

his hair when he came home.

- The last thing I remember

I was trying to swallow

that hot spit you get

right before you throw up,

and then just, wham!

My head hits the floor.

Oh, I mean when I finally

did regain consciousness,

I was sitting in a wheelchair

in the middle of a hallway.

Imagine opening your eyes,

and the first thing you see

is this guy wearing his

hospital gown backwards...

- ew.

- And he just looks

at you, and he says,

do you know how we got here?

- Oh no!

- Which way is the bathroom?

- Oh, I'll go with you.

- Tim?

- Yeah.

- I didn't know you were home.

- No?

- We should,

we should get together

some time, catch up.

It's been awhile.

- You know I got every one

of those letters you sent me?

There's a reason you

never got a response.

- That's bullshit,

and you know it.

I mean you know exactly

why he told me to f*** off.

And you know, I deserve it.

I deserve worse.

I mean I f***ing promised him.

I should've just...

- Ben, you didn't

believe in it, okay?

It wasn't you...

- but I gave him my word.

- You were 17!

- I did believe in it!

Was I just scared?

- I don't know.

You know, maybe you

stopped believing in it.

Listen, you hate how

the military is used.

You say it all the time.

- This thing's just so f***ed

up, and there's no fixing it.

I mean what did I

think was gonna happen?

I'm so f***ing stupid.

- Ben, you're not stupid.

- No, I'm worse.

- Hmph.

- Catch much, pop?

- Hey, if I wanted

any of your lip,

I'd unzip my pants.

- That is gross.

- Remember when you said that

to your kindergarten teacher?

Mrs. umm...

- oh, Mrs. Pinkum.

- God.

Your mother was mortified.

- Yeah, you

really let me go down

with the ship on that one.

- Well that's.

Yeah well I had to, pal.

She would've crucified me.

- You know what, this is good.

You've been cooped up in that

house ever since mom died.

It's...

- I'm sellin' the cabin, Ben.

Ben...

That place...

It's her.

She picked out the doorknobs.

I just can't do it.

I'm gonna go up there.

I'm gonna pack some things.

I'm gonna close the house down,

I'm gonna put a sign out front.

Hey, you're coming with me.

- Dad, I got so

much stuff goin' on,

and with layoffs at Lily's...

- I already talked to her.

Yeah, you're coming with me.

- Alright.

- Just make sure you're there

in case he needs to talk.

- We're goin' to the cabin.

He loves it up there.

He's gonna be fine.

- He hasn't been there

since your mom passed away.

- I know.

- Just promise me you'll

keep an eye on him.

- Lill, he's my dad.

Okay?

I got this.

Gonna be fun.

What's wrong?

- Nothin', I just wanted

to get on the road sooner.

- Oh, okay.

Well bye.

Love you.

- I love you, too.

- You sure old

Susie's gonna make it?

- Oh, I already offered.

He does not want

to take the car.

- Yeah, don't worry.

She's got one more trip in her.

Hey Susie and I have

been through a lot worse

than a quick trip to Maine.

- How long a drive is it?

- 10 hours.

- Is there cell service?

How will I know

you got there safe?

- That's the fun of it.

Now don't worry.

We'll be back in three days.

- I'll let you know

when we get to Portland,

and then again when

we're on our way home.

- Keep him safe.

- I will.

- I didn't know you were coming.

- I'm here for your father.

- Hey, he's here.

We're all here.

That's all that matters.

- Oh!

I forgot how long

of a drive this was.

- It's 574 beautiful miles.

- Pull over.

I gotta take a piss.

- So you gonna tell

me what the deal is?

- No deal.

Just thought I'd ask

him to come along.

- Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

- Seat belts.

- Hey! Hey!

I'm up.

Hey, hey, hey knock it off!

I didn't live through two tours

to die in the middle

of butt-f*** Maine!

- Now we're in business!

- No, no, no, no!

Cut this sh*t out!

F***ing hilarious.

- Oh, stop being a p*ssy!

- How far out are we?

- About 100 miles.

- Oh, that's f***ing great.

This truck bed's real f***ing...

- smell that?

There's nothing like that.

Now you guys grab the

bags out of the truck,

bring the fishing poles.

I'm gonna go throw

the boat in the lake.

- Want a hand?

- F*** you.

I'm old, I'm not dead.

- You remember that

time you got the hook

stuck in your thumb?

- Oh man, I got

myself pretty good.

- We were all bent

outta shape after that.

- I was bleedin'

like a stuck pig!

- You remember what you said?

- No.

- You wrap that

sh*t in duct tape.

You said, better than stitches.

- Well yeah, it turns out it

wasn't better than stitches.

Left me with a pretty good scar.

- You use duct tape for all

sorts of sh*t out there.

Saved our sorry asses

more than a couple times.

What?

- Nothing.

- Didn't sound like nothing.

- Whoa.

- You got something?

- No.

You're making this awkward.

You both got great,

big veiny d*cks, okay?

Let's just fish.

- Big?

Jesus.

- Hi.

Whoa, that's what I call

a successful day, huh?

- Yeah.

- Oh no, after you, our

resident angler, huh?

Oh, excellent.

Well now we're in business.

Cutting board.

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