Hobson's Choice Page #5

I'll not be wed without my sisters there.

- Goodbye, Miss Maggie.

- Goodbye, Tubby.

- Well, I must say, I...

Put this in his bedroom.

I'll not give it to him.

Well, we're all worked up, Miss Alice.

The master'll play old Harry if he comes in

and finds us doing nowt in t'work room.

- What shall we start on?

- I don't know, but do something.

- I'm not stopping you.

- No, and you're not telling me either.

Course, we can go on making

clogs for stock if you like.

- Then you'd better.

- All right, then.

If clogs are your orders, Miss Alice.

- You suggested it.

- I made the remark.

You don't help us much

for an intelligent foreman.

When you've told me what to do,

I'll use my intelligence

and see it's done proper.

What is it, Tubby?

Owt wrong?

I've just been giving him

his orders, Father.

You're supposed to give him his orders

in t'morning not at dinner time.

Well, get back down now

and start doing what she told you.

And look sharp!

- Vicky!

- Yes, Father?

- Dinner!

- What's that?

- Jellied tongue, Father.

Don't make jokes about food.

We have roast pork, Mondays.

It's cold tongue today, Father.

You made me the cook.

I put you in place of t'cook.

Thou's not made a cook yet, my lass.

I'm not hanging over the stove all day.

I've got my looks to think of.

Thou's got nowt to think of but providing

me with my rightful home comforts.

- What's for pudding?

- Rhubarb.

Alice?

Why is my dinner a no dinner?

I can't help it.

I've got the shop to look after.

You can't expect us

to fill Maggie's place and our own.

I've got all the housework to do.

D'you expect two pairs of hands

to do the work of three?

- I'm busy enough keeping the books...

- There are beds to make, floors to clean...

Now stop! I'll not listen to any more.

Three weeks

I've stood of this perversity,

disobedience, incompetence

and bad cooking

and I'll not stand it anymore!

I am going to where I can get comfort,

good food and the respect

that's due to me.

I'm going to t'Moonraker's

and I shall not be back till late tonight.

Thinking things over,

I'm not surprised, for one.

Mind you, I could see it coming

with Maggie.

She's a sharp and grasping nature.

- And what's he got out of that?

- Aye.

Salford's brightest hope!

Can't read. Can't write.

Maggie never had no sense of style.

Now, t'other two's quite different.

You mean they're out to catch the eye.

Tudsbury's latest.

- Vicky doesn't need a bustle for that.

- No.

My friends...

Hear, hear!

...and a wonderful little band you are.

Tudsbury the expert on women,

just because he spends his life

fitting on their petticoats.

You're nowt but an old woman yourself,

Tudsbury.

Now, now, Henry!

As for you,

you're nowt but a shadow.

Our Maggie

saw through you years ago,

trotting at me heels,

buttering me up

with your "Yes, Henry"

and your "No, Henry",

all for t'sake of t'free drinks you get!

Looking for pink rats, Denton?

You're t'biggest old soak in Salford!

You're rotten with alcohol,

rotten as the fish

you sell on Mondays.

Now, then, Henry,

that's enough of that.

Fish, that's what I am.

Big fish, little pond.

It's a stinking little pond

and I'm getting out of it.

No ill feeling, gentlemen, I hope?

We all know Henry.

Once t'wedding's over

tomorrow, you'll feel better.

As for you, Sam Minns,

my Mary always said

you were a robber and you are.

- Systematic swindling, that's what it is!

- Henry!

We all of us pay too much for drinks

once we've had a few.

Poor old Denton hasn't had

the right change for 20 years!

I'm off.

Oh, good.

Are you coming to my wedding

with a face like that?

You let me in

and perhaps your face'll be like mine.

It's your father.

He's asleep in our cellar.

Oh, come in.

That won't upset my face.

- Now go on.

- Well, I daren't leave him there any longer.

If the old man finds him, you know

what'll happen, him being temperance.

It'll be the end of Vicky and me.

He may wake up at any moment.

When he's like this he'll sleep till midday,

cellar or no cellar.

- What are you smiling at?

- In the first place, it's my wedding day.

And in the second,

I think I've got an idea.

I'll be ready in a moment.

You might well look surprised, Will.

A lot's gone on this morning.

Morning, Miss Alice. Miss Vicky.

- You call them Alice and Vicky now, Will.

- No, he doesn't!

Now, listen, you two

had better get this straight.

We've come to an arrangement

this morning,

and if you want your Albert

and you want your Freddy,

you'll be respectful to my Willie.

- Is that right, Albert?

- Yes, it's quite right, Alice.

Good. Now you can kiss Willie

for your brother-in-law-to-be.

Oh, I'd as soon

not put them to the trouble.

Stand still, Will.

They're making up their minds to it.

- It's under protest.

- Protest but kiss.

Good. It's your turn now, Vicky.

You're to kiss him hearty now.

- Freddy.

- Do as she says, Vicky.

- Here's the ring. You're best man.

- Oh.

Now go along.

I'll see you all inside.

I want to have a word with Willie.

- How you feeling, lad?

- My mind's made up.

I've got wrought up to point.

I'm ready.

It's church we're going to,

not dentist's.

I know.

You get rid of summat at dentist's.

But it's taking summat on,

to go to church with a wench.

Listen, Will,

I've a respect for t'church.

Parson's going to ask you

if you'll have me,

and you'll either answer truthfully

or not at all.

I'll tell him... yes.

- And truthfully?

- Yes, Maggie.

I'm resigned.

You... you're growing on me.

I'll toe the line with you.

Thank you.

- Henry Hobson?

- Aye.

- Anyway, to the bride and groom.

- The bride and groom.

- I think you ought to say something.

- Come on, Willie.

- Come on, Willie. Let's hear you, Willie.

- Come on, speech.

It's a very great pleasure to us

to see you here tonight.

It's an honour you do us,

and I assure you, speaking for my...

my wife as well as myself

- that the, er...

- Generous.

Oh, aye, that's right.

That the generous warmth of the

sentiments expressed by Mr Beenstock

and so enthusiastically seconded...

No, I've gotten that

wrong road round.

...expressed by Mr Prosser,

and seconded by Mr Beenstock,

will never be forgotten

by either my life partner or self,

and I'd like to drink this toast to you

in my own house,

our guests, and may they soon

be married soon themselves.

- Here, here.

- Here, here.

- Our... our guests.

- Our guests.

- Hooray!

- Very neat speech indeed.

- You took me by surprise, Will.

- Who taught you, Willie?

I've been learning a lot lately.

Maggie's schooling me.

Now, Will, we'd better be getting

cleared away ready for Father.

Oh.

- Well, come on.

- What makes you so sure he'll come?

He'll be wanting advice,

and he certainly won't go to a lawyer.

It's getting dark, so he'd judge it safe

to come without being seen.

- I'm a bit nervous.

- You've no need to worry.

When he comes,

you're all to go into the bedroom

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