Hope Floats

1

Welcome to The Toni Post Show.

I am your host, Toni Post. l love life.

I love life. I love life.

I love my job.

You know why l love my job?

I get to wake up each morning

and spend it with you.

That's right. That's right.

And I mean that.

We're talking about real things,

about real people.

We're gonna get down and get dirty.

That makes a difference.

All right. Let's start with our first guest.

Connie Phillips from Chicago, Illinois.

Hi.

We want to ask you first...

...how do you feel about this friend

we've heard so much about?

Well, I'd walk through fire for her.

She's not just a friend,

she's my best friend, you know?

Your best friend. Right.

And tell me, how long have you

been having sex with her husband?

A little over a year now.

He doesn't love her. He loves me.

Does she know why she's gonna

appear on our show today?

She thinks she's here for a makeover.

- Ouch.

- Ha, ha, ha!

Ouch. That's gotta hurt.

You know, I'm sure we're all

wondering here...

...why you chose to reveal this to her,

your friend, on national television.

Because I want her to hear

my point of view.

I really want her to hear me, you know?

Fair enough. Let's bring her out.

Let's bring out your friend, Birdee.

Come on. Give Birdee a big hand.

There you are, Birdee.

So tell us, how do you feel?

I'm perfectly delightful, thank you.

Okay.

Birdee, do you recognize the voice

of the person sitting next to you?

Hi, Birdee.

Connie? My best friend, Connie?

Absolutely correct.

Go ahead and take off your blindfold.

Don't do it!

Oh, my God.

Hi.

Hi.

Birdee, Connie is your best friend?

She's my best friend.

And she told us

that she loves you very much.

Yeah. l love you too.

The last thing that she wants

to do is to hurt you in any way.

Connie.

Birdee...

...Billy and l are having an affair.

He doesn't love you anymore.

He wants to marry me.

What?

Connie wants you to know that

your friendship is very important to her...

...and she loves you very much, Birdee.

Have you been sleeping with him?

Well, yeah.

Actually, Connie told us that she

had sex with your husband, Bill...

...in your home on your living room floor.

I want to hear what Bill has to say.

How about you?

You want to hear from Bill? All right.

Let's bring Bill in.

Come on in, Bill. Join us, won't you?

That's right.

Come on, come on, come on.

Bill, thank you for appearing

on The Toni Post Show.

Thank you, ma'am.

Go ahead and take off your blindfold, Bill.

Bill...

...are you having an affair

with your wife's best friend?

Yes, ma'am.

All right. That's it.

We've gotta take a break.

We're gonna be back with more sizzle

on The Toni Post Show.

You join us, now.

Bernice, did you get my suitcase in the car?

Yes.

Yeah, Mama, we should be there

a few days.

Well, if it's not an inconvenience.

Oh.

All right.

Me too. Bye-bye.

Don't look back, sweetheart.

It's bad luck.

Turn around.

Put on your seat belt.

Take the wheel.

Bernice, don't be a baby.

Just take the wheel.

Come on.

Come here.

Okay. Thank you.

Here we go.

"Dear Princess, l know you're

confused now and l don't blame you.

I want you to know

none of this is your fault.

This is between your mom and me.

Not a day will go by when I won't think

about you and wish you were with me.

I love you, honey. Be nice to your mom.

All my heart, Daddy."

Baby, baby

I'm aware of where you go

Each time you leave my door

I watch you walk down the street

Knowing your other love

You're gonna meet

This time before you run to her

Leaving me alone and hurt

Think it over

Haven't I been good to you?

Think it over

What's that funny smell?

Cows.

Is this where you were cream of corn?

Queen of Corn, honey,

three years running.

A feat unsurpassed

in the history of Smithville.

Oh.

Okay, so maybe that was

a long time ago...

...but believe me, honey, once upon a time,

your mama knew what it meant to shine.

Before you break my heart

Think it over

Oh, you're here.

You're actually here.

Oh, my baby. My babies.

Bernice.

Take this with you.

Oh, look at you.

You are so pretty.

You look just like my mama,

you know that?

And Bird--

Hey, Mama.

Birdee, you take up drinking?

No, I have not.

You mean, this is you stone sober?

You look just awful.

Well, l feel awful, Mama.

Well, you look it.

Well, l feel it.

Well, you look it.

Here, let me take one of those.

Come on, honey, l got a present for you.

Here, Mom.

l just can't believe you're here.

Okay, now.

Okay.

That's a present from

your grandpa and me.

How is Daddy?

Oh, he's fine.

He has a cold this week,

so we can't see him till Saturday.

But he's fine.

Good.

It's a bunny purse.

You don't like stuffed animals?

That's all right.

We'll get you settled first.

But be very quiet, because

we don't want to wake up Travis.

You remember your cousin, don't you?

He got so excited waiting for you all

to arrive, he just pooped out.

You see those?

They're scaredy-cats.

Get it?

Your grandpa made a fortune off of them.

Birdee, lock the door.

You want to be murdered in your bed?

Don't worry, sweetheart.

If they bite you, they got rubber teeth.

Did Grandma kill those animals herself?

No, honey, they come here already dead.

See, this way, they live forever.

As scaredy-cats.

Yeah, as scaredy-cats.

This is a nice room, isn't it?

See that door right there?

It leads right into mine.

Isn't that neat?

Okay, that about does it.

I've got a little surprise for you.

So you don't bump into doors at night.

Okay, feet in. Arms in or out?

Out.

Out. There you go.

Snug as a bug in a rug.

Good night, baby.

Every night I dream you're next to me

Tenderly

You say my name

You know everybody's watching me

And what they see

Is me watching you

Bad dog, Hucklebee. Bad dog.

Bad dog.

No.

No, no.

Feel so jagged

Oh, what a sweet dog. Mama,

you didn't tell me you had a pet.

Hey, Travis. How are you?

All right, Travis, you're a boy

again. Go sit at the table and eat breakfast.

Better do what she says, Travis.

Grandma stuffs bad little dogs.

Any calls?

Any messages we get will be

right on that bulletin board there.

All right, y'all. Dig in here.

Bernice, you remember Travis, don't you?

He visited us in Chicago.

What was it?

Two Christmases ago?

He chewed my

Little House on the Prairie.

Where's Aunt Desiree?

Uh...

Aunt Desiree's living in Hollywood now.

Isn't she, Travis?

Feel so jagged

She's doing a pilot.

Oh, really? And what's he like?

That is a show for television, smarty.

Oh.

Aunt Desiree's gonna be on television?

Oh, well, l was on TV too.

A fat lot of good it did me.

Well, l am proud of both

of my television daughters.

Birdee, you looked so beautiful

on that TV.

I mean, everybody thought so.

Who's everybody?

Well, everybody in Smithville,

that's for sure.

Well, honey, if you didn't want people

to see you, why did you go on television?

Because, Mama, l wanted--

I wanted a free makeover,

that's all.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes