House Arrest

Hi. I'm Grover Beindorf.

I'm 14 years old.

I live in Defiance, Ohio,

which is somewhere between

Toledo and Hicksville.

It's a nice town,

but pretty average, I guess.

To tell you the truth,

that's how I was, too,

that is, until last April,

when everything happened.

I'm sorry.

Now, if you're going to blame someone,

you should blame me.

But things just didn't happen

like they were supposed to.

It's like everything snowballed on me.

I'm getting ahead of my story.

Let's start at the beginning,

when Mom and Dad got married.

So.

What did you think?

- It's excellent.

- Except the song.

- Stacy, it's their song.

- I still think it sucks.

Jeez, Groves, your parents

have been married 18 years?

That's got to be some kind of record.

Teddy, Jimmy,

you're going to be late for school.

- Don't think it's gonna work.

- Yeah, it will.

- Hi, Louise.

- Hi, kids.

Hi, Mrs. Finley.

- Will you get dressed?

- You can't make us.

Yeah, you're not our real mom.

- Bull's-eye!

- Awesome!

That's how I know there's a God.

Louise!

I'm coming!

Would you just get

the bomb squad dressed?

Shut up!

I don't owe you any more alimony!

What are you talking about?

- Louise!

- Coming!

Don't look!

What?

Cosmo.

Shut up!

What do you mean, child support?

Why would I owe you child support?

I've got the kids!

- Wife Number two.

- Thanks.

- Come on, Stacy, hurry up!

- Wait up.

Morning!

Not bad, huh?

- How's it going?

- Okay.

- Coming up on the rear.

- No fair.

- Passing on the right.

- Wait up!

- By a nose!

- No fair, you're cheating!

Come on, Stace!

- Anybody home?

- We're in here.

Here, Fuzzy.

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Where did you go so early?

- To Matt's.

- Did you get our note?

- Yes, thank you.

- You are the note queen.

- Yes, I am, and here's another one.

Today's my Thursday staff meeting.

I'm going to be late.

There's lasagna in the freezer.

- Put it in at 5:00 at 350, no higher.

- At 350, no higher.

Smarty, I'll be home to take it out.

So, why were you at Matt's?

He was just helping us with something.

What?

- Happy anniversary!

- Happy anniversary.

Unwrap it.

It's for both of you. Do it together.

- We call it "The Best of the Beindorfs."

- The best part's when I'm born.

Did I say something wrong?

No, honey, why don't we watch it later,

after work...

Listen, kids,

Daddy and I have something

we need to talk to you about.

Janet.

Here you go.

It's Mystery Meat Day.

Grover Beindorf just can't get enough.

- Say something, Grove.

- Turn it off, Matt.

Oh, baby, come to Papa.

- Next.

- I'm paying for both.

- You're a quarter short.

- It's all I've got.

Move out of the line,

and put something back.

Here.

Thanks.

Come on, let's go.

Go sit with her.

I can't breathe.

Why not?

You just loaned Brooke Figler lunch.

- She's got to be nice to you.

- She doesn't know...

- Man.

- Nasty.

I'm sorry.

Where are you going, Finley?

- Just chill, man.

- What did you say, Barndoor?

I didn't hear you.

I said, "I'm sorry."

Good. Now tell me

that you're a skinny, ugly little wussy.

Go, T.J.

I'm a skinny, ugly little wussy.

No sh*t.

Looks good on you, Beindorf.

Later.

Way to go, Beindorf!

You geek!

Loser!

Remember when Krupp

pulled down your gym shorts?

Or when he flunked sixth grade and said

he was gonna beat up all fifth graders

but he only beat up you?

Or in fourth grade when he smeared

dog crap all over your back

- and called you "Turd Boy"...

- Matt, shut up, okay?

I'm sorry.

My parents are getting separated.

Really?

Groves, I'm sorry.

Did they say why?

Not really.

I don't mean to scare you,

but that's usually a bad sign.

It means there's a lot wrong.

- Who's moving out, your mom or dad?

- My dad.

Also bad.

If your mom's moving out,

it's usually just temporary.

Check out his suitcases.

If most of them are packed,

you're really in trouble.

- What do you mean?

- Divorce.

No. They're not getting a divorce.

They said it was only a separation.

Divorce isn't even up for consideration.

Groves, I hate to break it to you,

but that's what they always say.

First it's separation, then it's divorce.

If I were you,

I'd lock them in a closet

until they worked everything out.

But look on the bright side.

From now on, you get twice the gifts

on your birthday and Christmas.

I'm kidding.

Hey.

Hi.

How's it going?

Bad.

Same here.

What can we do about it?

I don't know.

Have you been

down in the basement again?

I think there's mice down there.

Come on.

- Watch your step.

- Stacy, I can't see, honey.

One, two, three!

Surprise!

Wow.

Oh, my.

Do you like it?

What's all this?

Your anniversary party.

- When did you kids do all this?

- When we got home from school.

What do you think?

Grover!

Honey, you know the rules about this.

You're not supposed to touch it.

It's only for a very special occasion.

You guys are getting separated.

What could be more special than that?

Good cake.

- Thanks.

- Thanks.

And you've made the basement

look very festive.

We wanted to remind you

of your honeymoon in Hawaii.

There's the lanai you stayed in.

I made it.

And Dad,

we even found your old ukulele.

- My God, where did you find this?

- It was stuck behind the workbench.

- Why don't you play something?

- Yeah.

No, that's probably not a good idea.

Listen, kids,

I'm not sure you understood.

We did.

You guys are getting separated.

What we don't understand is why.

- Grover...

- Are you two having affairs?

No.

Oh, no. Kids...

It's like we said this morning,

Daddy and I are just having some

difficulties, and we feel like

we need some time apart. That's all.

Maybe you should get counseling.

No, honey, actually,

we don't need counseling.

The truth is,

no one ever really needs counseling.

We just need time apart

from each other.

- No, you don't.

- Grover.

You guys spend enough time apart.

Maybe you need some time together.

- That's enough, son.

- You guys used to get along just fine.

I remember when you couldn't

keep your hands off each other.

- Grover, let's just stop this, okay?

- Ned, don't yell at him.

I'm not yelling,

I'm trying to get some control here.

You don't get control

by yelling at people.

I'm sorry, is there a list of ways

to get control that you've made for us?

Things I'm doing, not doing,

should've done?

- Not doing?

- Yes.

- Okay, the Beindorf family room.

- What about it?

Well, supposed to have

an entertainment area,

and a room for pool

and maybe an extra bedroom.

It's been 14 years,

you haven't finished the bathroom.

I've been working 14 years, Janet,

trying to afford the house.

And what's my job?

Is it a hobby?

Excuse me, kids. Great job on the party.

Wait. Dad, you can't leave.

I mean,

the party's not over.

Yeah, you've got to watch the tape.

You promised you'd watch it. Come on.

It's really not very long.

Plus, we have one more surprise.

Oh, Grover.

Please take the champagne

back upstairs

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