House Party: Tonight's the Night Page #2

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car for a college kid.

- Oh, hell, no!

- Oh, hell, yes.

Oh!

Yeah, I figured a guy like you

could use a fine ride.

Dad, this is amazing! Thanks!

Whoa! Hey, uh-uh. No, no, no.

Let's hold off a couple of weeks,

then make it official.

Don't worry, son.

You're gonna be slicing

some serious poontang pie up in this here.

Poontang pie.

Ladies. Ha.

Melvin!

What did you just say to him?

Uh...

- Son...

- Speeding.

Uh, uh, don't be speeding,

and to respect women at all times.

All times.

Hello?

Yes.

Oh, Lord, no! No!

Who dead?

Ugh. Aunt Coot.

Aunt Coot?

- Oh, the humpback?

- Tsk.

- Oh, they still on the phone?

- Grr.

I'm sorry.

All right, baby, we gotta hurry.

It's gonna be hours to get to Barstow.

I just can't believe

they called the day of the funeral.

She's been dead a week,

and they just call now?

Yes. Because they don't like us.

Wait, I'm confused.

Was it Aunt Maybelline who died?

- It was Aunt Coot.

- Coot?

You may not remember her.

It's been a while.

Oh, the humpback?

Yeah, she was texting

on the stairs, son...

...and that weight of that hump

just became too much...

...and she fell down,

just hump over hump over hump.

She was humped to death.

Wow.

Damn hump took her out.

- We'll be back Saturday.

- Okay.

I know I don't have to say this...

You don't have to say it.

I'll take care of the house. I got it.

Heh, heh. Baby, you're forgetting, you're

talking to our responsible and mature son.

And you know how your mama is

about girls in the house while she's away...

- ... so cool it on that front.

- Gotcha.

And remember what's waiting on you.

Okay?

Okay.

- No mistakes.

All right.

Right. Okay.

All right, y'all. Y'all drive safe.

No texting and driving.

Remember what happened to Aunt Hump.

Let's go, homey, it's Friday.

Get your ass in the car.

Come on, it's Friday.

Friday, Friday.

When you gonna get rid

of this broke-down hooptie?

Don't hate on the car.

Got my first hand job in this car.

Yeah, from your own hand.

What's up, Doobie?

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah, just text me when it's going down.

Oh, you got that right, Doobie.

Guess who that was?

I don't know. Doobie?

In town with his boss, Keniston Scott!

Oh, sh*t! Keniston Scott! Who's that?

- The record exec!

- Well, okay.

Too bad we don't have

a decent demo to give them.

Forget a demo.

That don't show what we do in a crowd.

We need to find a house party.

I'm down. I can roll all night.

The parents are out of town.

- Back up the Escalade.

- Whoa.

Are you saying your parents are out of town

and you got the crib to yourself?

Oh, no! Don't even think it.

We're gonna have the house

party in your house.

No, because we're not destroying

my parents' house.

- You're crazy.

- Don't you see? It's fate.

This is your moment.

My moment?

Look, I like rap, all right?

But I don't know if I want to do it

for the rest of my life.

Bullshit! You want to be a rap star, Chris.

You always have.

Look, I told my folks I'd be mature.

I didn't tell you,

but they got me a graduation gift.

A '85 Camaro.

Riding.

That's a crazy vehicle!

- And I will do sex in it when

the time comes. - No, you won't.

But in the meantime,

we're gonna make this party...

...an exclusive, invite-only affair.

I'll invite Doobie and Keniston Scott,

you invite Autumn Rose.

She's just a beautiful flower

waiting on you to pollinate her.

- All right, 10 people at the most?

- Fifteen, hard limit.

How about that?

- You think Autumn really likes me?

- Yeah.

But she needs to see you in star mode

to seal the deal.

And tell her to leave

the boyfriend at home.

For sure. All right.

Keeping it small, right?

- Real small.

- Miniscule.

- All right.

- Like your package.

Oh, don't even play me, dog,

I'm blessed, all right?

House party?

Hell, yeah, I'll be there.

We gotta make sure we get

all the furniture out of the room.

Yeah, check. I'll be right back.

Chris, dude!

The house orgy's on, man!

- What?

Hey, Chris!

Going to perpetrate some nasty

ass strange inside your house!

Long and wide, from behind

and from the side, baby!

I'm gonna give a girl

a baby on your couch!

I'm getting blown

in your bedroom, man.

- Oh, hell, no! Dylan!

- Yeah, what's up, bro?

Yo, why is everybody saying

they're gonna bang in my house.

Bang out some tunes, yo.

They just talking.

I mean, they're just kids.

No, man, this is getting out of hand.

I'm shutting it down, right now.

Come on.

Hey, Chris...

...everybody's going to your party.

I'll see you there tonight.

I'll see you there.

Later, Dylan.

You were saying?

How the hell did this happen?

Uh, Chris? Dylan?

- What's up, Precocious?

- Yeah, we a little busy here.

I've been hearing

about your house party...

- Where did you hear about this?

- On Facebook.

On Facebook!

And Twitter, and Tumblr,

and Instagram and...

What do you want?

Well, I was wondering...

Can I come?

Sorry, I mean,

too many bodies as it is.

But I'm gonna try and make

some room for you, Precocious.

- Really?

Yeah.

Yo, you got heart, G.

And with any luck,

you'll get Autumn too.

Get Autumn too.

Hey, Chris! Yo! Chris, man!

How you gonna hire Hardcap

to DJ your party when I'm your boy?

I didn't hire no DJ.

You great, Bootytime.

But Hardcap is hot.

Tsk! Man, that's messed up, Dylan.

You too, Chris.

Us three go back since forever.

Bootytime, you rock the house.

But that sh*t you got

is always breaking down.

- He's right. - It's not. My sh*t

is fixed. Hand to God, yo.

Plus, you said these players

was looking for old school...

...not Hardcap's disco

electro crypto bullshit.

Better than your played-out

hood rat grab bag!

Yeah, whatever.

- So, what's the verdict?

- Yeah, what's the verdict?

Look, this is how it has to go down.

Hardcap, I know Bootytime five years

longer than you, so you got the gig.

You gonna have to be on standby.

Just in case, bro.

Don't trip. Ain't gonna be

no "just in case. "

Chuck E. Cheese

is looking for a DJ, though.

See you in class. Peace.

Standby, man?

Sorry, bro.

- It's Chuck E. Cheese, man.

- I mean, they are hiring.

- Chuck E. Cheese.

I got to get to my class. Chuck E. Cheese.

That's whack, man.

Gentlemen,

we need to avenge Gotham City.

What do you mean?

We need to find a way

to get into Chris' party.

- We can bring him some food.

- You can make sushi.

I'm not Japanese.

Guys, I could sell my father's

porn collection.

No!

Well, well, well.

Heaven just pulled up

in a green hooptie.

Heh. Tracey, just look at Chris.

I been waiting for that young

tender ass to turn 18.

You're old enough to be his mother.

I think the term is "cougar. "

And as said cougar,

I'm gonna tear that ass up.

Victoria!

I'm serious.

Girl, you know Lisa Ann?

Porn actress.

You know, when she was younger,

she was just another porn ho.

Then she turn 40...

...pfft, shoot, she the number one name

in adult entertainment.

Hottest thing.

How you think Demi Moore

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