House Party: Tonight's the Night Page #5

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and the Hustle.

We weren't all over the floor

like some skank hos.

I'm Dylan.

So glad you made it.

Yeah, loving me some

old school house party.

Yo, let me tell Chris

you're here, all right?

He'd love to meet you too.

You almost got it.

Chris.

Aw, baby, that little dance

you and Morgan did was cute.

You too, Stomp The Yard.

But isn't all that "You Got Served"

pop-locking played out?

What are we watchin' here,

Footloose or Flashdance?

As played out as the medallion

with your initials on it?

Or did the rest of your name fall off

because it ain't really real platinum?

Uh, this here is more real than anything

you gonna get your hands on.

It's time! Keniston Scott is here,

we need to get on the mic!

- Who?

- The record exec.

Oh, sh*t.

Like a bomb went off

In the middle of the night

It had me trippin'

Jumped up out my bed for a peek

I walked over to my window

But my knees felt weak

Yo, yo, don't trip. I got this.

Please don't tell me your board

did not just go out.

My board did not just go out, man.

You're about to set off

all the smoke alarms.

I got this.

I got my amp in the car, man.

- All right. Hardcap, you on. Go get it.

- Ha! You done, son.

Hardcap is on.

- I'm sorry.

- Chris.

Hey. Hey, Chris!

Chris!

You're still gonna give me

50 dollars for the night?

Oh, my God.

Dude, oh, my God.

So we got a small technical issue

but we're getting it fixed.

- You in a rush?

- Not particularly.

Okay, so you can hang?

Because we really want you

to see us do our thing.

Only if I can get a drink in this place.

I'll be right back.

Twenty-five-year single malt scotch.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

All right. All right, everybody, don't trip.

The music will be back on in a second.

- So everybody just, uh, mingle

or something. - Hey, Chris. Chris.

- Yo, what's up.

- Hey, you got some wire cutters?

- Maybe, man, I might have to look.

- All right. Please.

- All right.

- Hey. About the sidekick.

Really, Tom don't need Jerry.

Batman don't need Robin.

- Ooh.

- What are you doing?

I'm doing what the kids

call "sexting. "

Kee Kee.

You ever think about

giving this whole thing up?

Vict...

Victoria.

Hello, Christopher,

you got a second to talk?

Um, actually,

I gotta get back downstairs.

No, no, no, don't you go anywhere.

Now, Christopher, listen.

I know I'm just a little

bit older than you...

...and, well, you've got all those

little young girls down there...

...just putting their little cotton tails...

...all up in your face,

and that's what college is for.

Let's just say you and me

go across the street back to my house...

...and let me break you off into a real man?

Mrs. Meyer, actually,

I gotta get downstairs.

Stop it. Just stop it, stop it.

- Ow.

- Just wait a second.

At least look at

what's being offered, baby.

Oh. Those are, uh, insanely explicit.

- Uh...

- Ooh.

Okay, I don't even know what that is.

You don't know what that is?

I love this.

Let me tell you what it is.

Hi. I'm Jerry.

And I'm Precocious.

Wanna go

where it's a little quieter and talk?

That sounds really nice, Jerry.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Christopher, you cannot tell me...

...that you don't notice me

noticing you noticing me...

...when I come out

to get my morning paper.

And you don't think

I notice that big morning woody?

Yeah, that big morning...

You don't think I would possibly...

Whoa. Whoa.

You ain't got no panties on.

I know. And I'm so much wetter

than that sock under your bed.

How'd you know?

Baby, I know everything.

Miss Meyer, Miss Meyer!

To the left.

To the left, son.

Whoo! Yes, yes.

Yes. Oh, no.

I was just looking for you.

Um, news flash.

I'm not in her vagina.

I wasn't in her vagina.

Not yet! Ugh.

I swear, it's not what it looks like.

I don't have time to explain

because I gotta get on the mic.

Do what you have to do.

All right. All right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You see, this is still my gig,

these are still my speakers...

...so I'm still rocking this party.

Sorry, dog.

I'm the only one who works my board, man.

Okay, that's cool.

Just, uh, unplug your sh*t, homey.

Go get your own speakers,

and maybe you can rock this party.

Oh, yeah?

Whoa, gentlemen.

We don't have time for this.

Y'all need to work this out.

How we gonna do that?

Look, y'all are both DJs tonight.

Y'all gotta switch and take turns.

Y'all sharing equipment,

y'all gotta share time.

Let's go.

Come on, cue my track, let's go.

Come on, Bootytime, you in it.

All right, all right, all right.

Where are we going?

Oh, do you want me

to wait outside?

Shut up and kiss me, stud!

Oh, damn, you're hot.

Now you shut up

and do what I say, little man.

Look what we've got here.

- What's this?

- It's blue boner magic.

Now chew it up

and swallow me down!

Oh, yeah.

What's cracking up in here?

Y'all wanna see how it's done?

Let's go, unh, unh

I'm swaggeriffic

supercalifragalistic

Party with the baddest chicks

It's a two-piece combo

And a biscuit

Unh, Chris really go H.A.M

No imitation pork, no sPAM

Try music like this

Oh, damn

Go, stupid girls

Clap your hands

Haters gonna hate

I just look the other way

We got models poppin' bottles

And I got the Alize

What you know about money?

I throw it in your face

Let me know how it taste

'Cause you lookin' at a great

Slap me.

Slap me like a bass guitar.

Oh, yeah.

Slap that ass.

Oh, yeah. Slap it some more.

Whoo-hoo!

Go in on it

Drinks up

Go in on it

Drinks up

Go in on it

Drinks up

Go in on it

Drink up

Come on, baby, you gotta pound!

DJ Hardcap salute

One last thing I got to do

Whack chain Q I'm watchin' you

Then wink at your girl

I got you, boo

'Cause you treat her bad

Dump him, let me be your man

Q stands for Quit

I'm gonna bust a nut.

Here it comes!

Oh!

Get back!

Oh, sh*t.

You took it all.

You pounded that p*ssy

and beat it up.

You rocked my world, girl.

She caved in the damn ceiling.

Oh, hell no.

What the hell are you doing?

Damn, the dance floor is jacked up.

Yeah, I guess this party's over.

Yeah.

Yo, wait! Why don't we just

take it to the back yard?

Man, you ain't so dumb

for a fake DJ.

Let's take it to the yard!

Take it the yard, everybody!

Whoa, glad you're still here, man.

Hey, Dylan! What up, partner?

Plumbing problems, you know?

- Anyway, this is my partner

on the mic, Chris. - Chris.

- Nice to meet you, man. Thanks for coming.

- Nice to meet you.

- Sorry about all this. - At least

you got some scotch out of the deal.

Finest libation these lips

have ever experienced.

So, um, what'd you think?

Of our performance?

I mean, despite everything.

You can be honest with us.

Well, until the sh*t hit the fan,

I say you guys did a damn good job.

Great, in fact.

Me and Chris,

we write the lyrics together...

...but he's the featured rapper,

I basically just back him up.

But, you know, I lay down all the beats,

you know, produce it.

So we both know our roles here.

So, uh, you saying we both

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