I'll Be Home for Christmas Page #2
- PG
- Year:
- 1998
- 86 min
- 1,073 Views
You are a lucky man.
-So true.
So, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
Immensely.
l think that's all about to change.
Something wrong, fellas?
You think you're a wiseguy?
lt's real funny to make us
look like morons?
What are you talking about?
-The beepers, dipstick.
Where's lan?
12-32-14.
l'm sure there's some explanation.
Let me make a call.
We're done explaining.
Boys.
All right, see you later.
Have a good break.
All right, Jake, where are you?
God, I wish I were dead.
l said I wished I were dead.
Let's see you sweet-talk your way
out of this.
Eddie and the boys.
The last time
l do business with those guys.
Go on, get out of here.
You glued it on, didn't you,
you jerks?
The hat too?
This is not acceptable.
Sit. Roll over.
Die.
Hey, it's Jake, you found me.
ldiot.
-Who's an idiot?
l am.
Jake flaked, huh?
What a surprise. Lucky for you,
the Ed Man is here to the rescue.
What do you say we blow
this Popsicle stand?
You're loving this, aren't you?
Pretty much, yeah.
OK, let's go.
-All right.
No, allow me. I got it.
The ultimate in irony.
1 Academy kids
are driving back east this winter
and I get a ride with you.
Just the two of us, riding
the crest of destiny's rainbow.
Sharing. Caring. A pair for the ages.
OK, hold on, first the ground rules.
lf you say to me things like that,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you say anything nasty about Jake,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you try to feel me up,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you make me listen to any sexist,
racist or homophobic jokes,
l'm gonna have to slug you.
And finally, I might have to slug you
from time to time
simply because I find the prospect
of this incredibly stressful.
All right, sounds like a party to me.
Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
l'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
Cut the crap. l'm already in the car.
All right, let's burn this baby.
New York, yeah!
See you, lovebirds.
Hey, it's Allie. You got the machine.
Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so...
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
This totally sucks.
You got a mean disposition
for a Santa.
l need to make another phone call.
Long distance?
What from here is not long distance?
lt's Jake.
-Where are you?
l'm in the middle of nowhere,
dressed like Santa,
being attacked by tumbleweed.
Cool.
-Get me Dad.
When did I become your slave?
-The day you were born.
Right.
lt's the prodigal son.
Hello, Father.
Jake, you sound funny.
Are you at the airport?
l've had some setbacks but if you
wire me money, l'll make it home.
Just what kind of a bind are you in?
He's in the middle of nowhere
dressed as Santa
being attacked by a bumblebee.
Tumbleweed!
Otherwise, like she said.
That is the worst alibi
in a long line of bad alibis.
But it's all true.
-That's what you always say.
l know, but I really need your help
to make it home on time.
Look, we had a deal.
lt is up to you to get home
on Christmas Eve
Excuse me.
l couldn't help overhearing.
You're trying to get home
for Christmas
and your father won't help you?
lt's not that, it's just...
He's so worried about the operation.
He's not thinking clearly.
-Operation?
Yeah.
The whole family chipped in and got
him a triple bypass for Christmas.
l sent home every last dollar l
earned as a shopping mall Santa.
The operation's on Christmas Eve.
Now I won't be home until after
the anaesthesia wears off.
Oh, dear.
You know, me and the girls are
driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones.
We're Tom Tom Girls.
You want to ride with us?
Do you have What's New, Pussycat?
Do we have
What's New, Pussycat?
What's New, Pussycat?
Can we crack open a window?
Do you think it's funny
how easily old people
can catch pneumonia?
Do you think that's a joke?
No, it's just I had a hard night
and l'm not feeling so well.
Get out of there.
Mama's teeth have fallen
out of her mouth again.
Just wedge them back in, dear.
OK, Santa Claus.
Make yourself useful.
Put those right back in her mouth.
Gherkins, anyone?
For Pete's sake!
Oh, well, that's lovely.
-What happened?
Santa just yammied in your handbag.
There he goes again.
-Stop him.
Get up.
Did I hurt you, Santa? Good.
All right, buster. Out you get.
Get out of here.
And take your beard with you.
l never heard of such a thing.
lmagine.
Yammying in my sister's handbag.
There you go, that's five.
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
Oh, I love this game.
Which word is not like the others?
Santa?
-No, idiot.
lt's a message Jake left
on my machine.
Bizarre, huh?
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with you?
We gotta go.
We're way behind schedule.
Wait!
This is the worst day of my life.
And it just got worse.
Ho-ho-ho, tubby.
Secret fat-man handshake. All right.
Confidentially speaking,
between us Santas,
don't you get tired of this suit?
Every year, it's the same suit.
Red, red, red.
Does any guy really look good in red?
l don't think so.
Got room in the sledge for two?
Thanks.
l really appreciate it. You're a pal.
You're not so cute in the morning.
l'm glad nothing happened.
You just slugged me.
-As per our agreement.
Wake up, chief, time to feed
the reindeer.
All right, l'm going.
Merry Christmas to you too.
l went and killed Santa.
Thank God.
Hang on, Santa, l'm coming.
Hold on.
Am I alive?
l have never been happier
to answer that question.
Yes, you are alive.
You've been asked that before?
-Maybe ten, 12 times.
Allie, can I ask you something?
-Shoot.
Look, l'm a millennial type of guy.
l dig world music,
l think freons should be banned,
l'm all about yoga
and macrobiotic food.
l'm in touch with my inner child.
Is the question coming before Ohio?
What l'm getting at is...
what does Jake have
that I haven't got?
lt's the stuff he comes up with.
Funny things.
Amazing things.
Things that just give me the chills.
Give me an example
of one of these chills.
There was this one time
lt was really just a down day.
Jake took my hand in his
and being really sweet he said...
Not even the rain
has such small hands.
Not even the rain
has such small hands?
What a nerd.
lt's E.E. Cummings.
Poetry, Eddie.
That gave you chills?
You wouldn't understand.
What?
Not even the corn has such big ears.
That's beautiful. l'm really moved.
Cos if it's poetry you want,
l got it, baby.
There once was a man from
Nantucket...
Just drive the car, Eddie.
Man, oh, man.
l was sure you were a goner.
Nolan, it's been two hours. I can't
have this conversation any more.
What conversation?
The one where you go you were sure
l was a goner
and I go, that was a close one.
A Pathfinder. Catch up with them.
-Who's them?
My girlfriend.
-No kidding. All the way out here?
Wait a minute. Are you saying
that's Mrs Claus in that car?
With another guy?
Mrs Claus stepping out on Santa?
Letting some other guy
down the chimney?
Why, that two-timing ho!
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"I'll Be Home for Christmas" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/i'll_be_home_for_christmas_10540>.
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