I'll Be Home for Christmas Page #2

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You are a lucky man.

-So true.

So, Jake, are you feeling lucky?

Immensely.

l think that's all about to change.

Something wrong, fellas?

You think you're a wiseguy?

lt's real funny to make us

look like morons?

What are you talking about?

-The beepers, dipstick.

Where's lan?

12-32-14.

l'm sure there's some explanation.

Let me make a call.

We're done explaining.

Boys.

All right, see you later.

Have a good break.

All right, Jake, where are you?

God, I wish I were dead.

l said I wished I were dead.

Let's see you sweet-talk your way

out of this.

Eddie and the boys.

The last time

l do business with those guys.

Go on, get out of here.

You glued it on, didn't you,

you jerks?

The hat too?

This is not acceptable.

Sit. Roll over.

Die.

Hey, it's Jake, you found me.

ldiot.

-Who's an idiot?

l am.

Jake flaked, huh?

What a surprise. Lucky for you,

the Ed Man is here to the rescue.

What do you say we blow

this Popsicle stand?

You're loving this, aren't you?

Pretty much, yeah.

OK, let's go.

-All right.

No, allow me. I got it.

The ultimate in irony.

1 Academy kids

are driving back east this winter

and I get a ride with you.

Just the two of us, riding

the crest of destiny's rainbow.

Sharing. Caring. A pair for the ages.

OK, hold on, first the ground rules.

lf you say to me things like that,

l'll have to slug you.

lf you say anything nasty about Jake,

l'll have to slug you.

lf you try to feel me up,

l'll have to slug you.

lf you make me listen to any sexist,

racist or homophobic jokes,

l'm gonna have to slug you.

And finally, I might have to slug you

from time to time

simply because I find the prospect

of this incredibly stressful.

All right, sounds like a party to me.

So, what shall we listen to?

Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?

l'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?

Cut the crap. l'm already in the car.

All right, let's burn this baby.

New York, yeah!

See you, lovebirds.

Hey, it's Allie. You got the machine.

Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so...

Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.

This totally sucks.

You got a mean disposition

for a Santa.

l need to make another phone call.

Long distance?

What from here is not long distance?

lt's Jake.

-Where are you?

l'm in the middle of nowhere,

dressed like Santa,

being attacked by tumbleweed.

Cool.

-Get me Dad.

When did I become your slave?

-The day you were born.

Right.

lt's the prodigal son.

Hello, Father.

Jake, you sound funny.

Are you at the airport?

l've had some setbacks but if you

wire me money, l'll make it home.

Just what kind of a bind are you in?

He's in the middle of nowhere

dressed as Santa

being attacked by a bumblebee.

Tumbleweed!

Otherwise, like she said.

That is the worst alibi

in a long line of bad alibis.

But it's all true.

-That's what you always say.

l know, but I really need your help

to make it home on time.

Look, we had a deal.

lt is up to you to get home

on Christmas Eve

or forget about the Porsche.

Excuse me.

l couldn't help overhearing.

You're trying to get home

for Christmas

and your father won't help you?

lt's not that, it's just...

He's so worried about the operation.

He's not thinking clearly.

-Operation?

Yeah.

The whole family chipped in and got

him a triple bypass for Christmas.

l sent home every last dollar l

earned as a shopping mall Santa.

The operation's on Christmas Eve.

Now I won't be home until after

the anaesthesia wears off.

Oh, dear.

You know, me and the girls are

driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones.

We're Tom Tom Girls.

You want to ride with us?

Do you have What's New, Pussycat?

Do we have

What's New, Pussycat?

What's New, Pussycat?

Can we crack open a window?

Do you think it's funny

how easily old people

can catch pneumonia?

Do you think that's a joke?

No, it's just I had a hard night

and l'm not feeling so well.

Get out of there.

Mama's teeth have fallen

out of her mouth again.

Just wedge them back in, dear.

OK, Santa Claus.

Make yourself useful.

Put those right back in her mouth.

Gherkins, anyone?

For Pete's sake!

Oh, well, that's lovely.

-What happened?

Santa just yammied in your handbag.

There he goes again.

-Stop him.

Get up.

Did I hurt you, Santa? Good.

All right, buster. Out you get.

Get out of here.

And take your beard with you.

l never heard of such a thing.

lmagine.

Yammying in my sister's handbag.

There you go, that's five.

Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.

Oh, I love this game.

Which word is not like the others?

Santa?

-No, idiot.

lt's a message Jake left

on my machine.

Bizarre, huh?

Oh, my God.

What's wrong with you?

We gotta go.

We're way behind schedule.

Wait!

This is the worst day of my life.

And it just got worse.

Ho-ho-ho, tubby.

Secret fat-man handshake. All right.

Confidentially speaking,

between us Santas,

don't you get tired of this suit?

Every year, it's the same suit.

Red, red, red.

Does any guy really look good in red?

l don't think so.

Got room in the sledge for two?

Thanks.

l really appreciate it. You're a pal.

You're not so cute in the morning.

l'm glad nothing happened.

You just slugged me.

-As per our agreement.

Wake up, chief, time to feed

the reindeer.

All right, l'm going.

Merry Christmas to you too.

l went and killed Santa.

Thank God.

Hang on, Santa, l'm coming.

Hold on.

Am I alive?

l have never been happier

to answer that question.

Yes, you are alive.

You've been asked that before?

-Maybe ten, 12 times.

Allie, can I ask you something?

-Shoot.

Look, l'm a millennial type of guy.

l dig world music,

l think freons should be banned,

l'm all about yoga

and macrobiotic food.

l'm in touch with my inner child.

Is the question coming before Ohio?

What l'm getting at is...

what does Jake have

that I haven't got?

lt's the stuff he comes up with.

Funny things.

Amazing things.

Things that just give me the chills.

Give me an example

of one of these chills.

There was this one time

l was feeling really bad.

lt was really just a down day.

Jake took my hand in his

and being really sweet he said...

Not even the rain

has such small hands.

Not even the rain

has such small hands?

What a nerd.

lt's E.E. Cummings.

Poetry, Eddie.

That gave you chills?

You wouldn't understand.

What?

Not even the corn has such big ears.

That's beautiful. l'm really moved.

Cos if it's poetry you want,

l got it, baby.

There once was a man from

Nantucket...

Just drive the car, Eddie.

Man, oh, man.

l was sure you were a goner.

Nolan, it's been two hours. I can't

have this conversation any more.

What conversation?

The one where you go you were sure

l was a goner

and I go, that was a close one.

A Pathfinder. Catch up with them.

-Who's them?

My girlfriend.

-No kidding. All the way out here?

Wait a minute. Are you saying

that's Mrs Claus in that car?

With another guy?

Mrs Claus stepping out on Santa?

Letting some other guy

down the chimney?

Why, that two-timing ho!

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