I'll Be Home for Christmas Page #4

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How did it go?

-You know what a swirly is?

You mean when somebody jabs your head

in a toilet bowl?

lt was pretty much like that.

Get in there

and say something romantic.

Something apologetic.

Something in English.

All right, already.

l got an idea.

Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie

I need to have you home

Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie

I need to have you home

l'm sorry I was just

an insensitive jerk that night

I hope that singing this song

will make everything all right

You're not the only one.

Oh, Marjorie, oh, baby

Oh, baby, oh, baby

l'll make it up to you on the

velvet skirt of the Christmas tree

See you're my wife

l'd give my life

lf you'd just come home

Now on your knees.

Now on your knees...

Do it, don't sing it!

l'm so sorry, baby.

Won't you please...

Here's your ticket.

Your bus will be here in ten minutes.

Well, see you.

Hey, Santa.

-Yeah?

l hope that other couple you know

works through their

misunderstandings.

Me too.

What other couple?

lt doesn't matter.

lt's just you and me, baby.

You know what l've always wondered?

What?

Out of all the planets

in the universe,

how is it that this is the only one

that spawned intelligent life?

Yeah.

You know what I always wonder about?

What?

How come more breakfast joints

don't serve you food in the skillet.

Like Betty's.

They give you your meat,

eggs, spuds in the pan.

That rocks.

Like when a homeless guy

says he's the messiah.

Then he asks for money

and you want to walk away.

Then you think to yourself,

what if he is the messiah

and l'm just blowing the dude off?

Think about it.

l take back what I said

about intelligent life on earth.

Hey, look at that.

Velveeta! Come on, now.

That's why we have to stay there.

Come on, where would you rather go?

Another dumpy motel

or a fake Bavarian village

in the middle of nowhere?

l don't think it's Eddie.

l think it's totally Eddie.

lt's completely cheesy

and trying to be cool.

When will you stop

being mean to the Ed Man?

When you stop referring to yourself

in the third person.

Maybe I should just go with it.

Check this out.

Tell me what's better.

Merry Christmas.

Well, the first one's good

for really little kids,

like my sister, who's three.

The second one's good for big kids

like my friends and me.

The third one's good

if you want to scare people

and watch them run away screaming.

OK, cool, thanks.

-Whatever.

...New York, New York due in...

Look at that.

The clock man

is sexually harassing the clock lady.

How typical.

Don't witness it.

You might have to testify.

Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.

l'm a witty guy.

You think this astonishing physique

is all the Ed Man has to offer?

Well, take this, Ed Man.

Oh, my God, you're so dead.

You're gonna get it so bad.

Wendy Richards

reporting from Edelbrck, Iowa,

site of the world-famous human clock.

The temperature outside

stands at 31 degrees

but the temperature is always warmer

underneath the mistletoe arch.

Here's a couple now.

You kids know where you're standing?

l'll kill him.

-Your attention, please.

The bus to New York is now boarding.

All passengers...

l think you just stopped being mean

to me.

Excuse me. Conway?

-Get behind the yellow line.

Just a second. I need a favour.

-Behind the yellow line!

l realise you're on a schedule,

it being the holidays.

Would you take a detour to Edelbrck?

l think everyone would enjoy it.

But I wouldn't.

What if we...?

-No.

No, got it.

That is very good. Look at that.

Sorry we only had one room left

tonight, it being Christmas.

You'll find that it's very special.

Wilkommen to your honeymoon suite.

Is this yours?

No. Not yours either?

Then whose is it?

Human liver?

Organ donation?

My God, we've got a live liver here.

Deliver to Allie Henderson in

Edelbrck ASAP.

Think it's real?

-Take a look.

We need to get to Edelbrck.

OK, everybody sit down.

What is wrong with you?

Behind the yellow line.

-Don't give me your lip.

l don't believe you. A girl in

Edelbrck needs a liver transplant.

We got a schedule to keep.

Schedule schmedule.

-Shame on you.

This isn't about schedules, man.

lt's the gift of life,

the greatest Christmas gift ever.

We even have Santa

to bring it to her.

This is a non-stop bus to New York.

This is happening for a reason.

We were put on this bus

to take this organ to Edelbrck.

You think I don't care

about that little girl? You're wrong.

We're going to Edelbrck

but because I say we are.

Everybody, behind the yellow line

and sit down.

lt's funny, Eddie.

l never thought l'd end up

in the same bed with you.

Yet, somehow with you here,

l feel safe.

Want me to put on any more clothes?

No, that should be fine.

l'm giving you ten minutes.

You find that girl, Santa!

Go, Santa!

Everybody, sit down.

Can you tell me

if there is an Allie Henderson here?

Sorry, Santa, l'm not allowed

to give out information on guests.

Listen, I have a full plate

of activities tonight,

not to mention a pesky grinch

who was kidnapped Mrs Claus,

in attempt to make

my life miserable.

l'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.

Policy? Policy does not apply to me.

l override policy.

l want to know

where my girlfriend is.

Maintenance.

Where is he?

What are you doing here?

Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?

l had to hijack a bus.

Eddie and his buddies

left me in the desert like this.

Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.

What gives with you

kissing that slimy moron?

lt's not what you think.

-What are you doing here?

This lovenest is full.

-Calm down, nothing happened.

Whoa, where's the trust, man?

l saw you kissing her on TV,

you dirtbag.

He got me under the mistletoe

for two seconds, big deal.

lt was more like five seconds.

And they were good.

Foul. Fighting foul.

How could you let that idiot

give you a ride?

l thought you left me high and dry.

What was I supposed to do?

Beam myself home.

l was stuck in the desert.

l couldn't get to you.

l had no choice.

OK, I forgive you.

So, are you still mad at me?

Yo, if anyone should be mad here,

it should be me.

l had to listen to Natalie Merchant

and Easy Cummings.

EE Cummings.

l've been stuck in a Santa suit

for two days

fighting off buzzards, dentures

and thugs in lederhosen.

l'm tired, l'm hungry, I stink.

Because of you, l'm not going

to be home by 6:
00 tonight.

Why do you have to be home by 6:00?

What's that?

You heard.

Why do you have to be home by 6:00?

Because that's when dinner

will be ready?

lf you had even one decent chromosome

in your DNA,

you will not lie to me.

All right.

lt's just that, if I get home by then

my dad's gonna give me the Porsche.

Wait.

So you didn't trade Cabo for me,

you traded it for a car.

lt's not like that.

-You deserve each other.

Allie, wait.

Will you stop and listen to me?

lf I had to do it all over again,

l probably wouldn't mention the car.

What? I was kidding.

You don't care about anybody.

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