I'll Be Home for Christmas Page #5

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You're a manipulator and a liar.

I am not a liar.

-Wait a minute.

You're the transplant girl?

Is that what Santa told you?

Right.

l'm taking his place on the bus.

-Give me another chance.

Why?

-Because I care about you.

You gotta believe me.

lf you showed up

in a one-horse open sleigh,

l wouldn't believe you.

l'm sorry.

l can't take fake remorse

from a fake Santa

making fake apologies.

You might be a fake boyfriend.

l tell you,

you're a genuine butthole.

I got rolled

The one I love is gone

I got rolled...

Man, l've seen guys get dumped

but that was nuclear.

She wasn't even aiming at me

and l'll be walking funny for a week.

How do girls do that?

lts like that whole chick

verbal skills thing. It's deadly.

Man, I gotta tell you, bro,

l would never have thought

l'd help you out.

After that massacre,

l just wouldn't be human.

God, I never thought

l'd drive home with you.

lt's pretty wild.

-Sure is.

All right, I get back in time

to get the Porsche.

l drive it back in January.

Figure out how to get Allie back.

Everything will be great.

Thanks, Ed Man.

Sure.

Get out.

-What?

All that stuff.

Sorry, man, I just can't do that much

good stuff for another person.

lt'd be bad for my rep.

What are you talking about?

What about that stuff you said

about being human?

l just took you to Wisconsin.

Besides, what am I doing

helping you out

so you can get a Porsche

and be cooler than me?

Not very smart.

Not very Eddie.

You're gonna have to take that off.

Yeah, I know that.

Father Christmas, just tell me

what you want from me.

Better hurry.

lt's called carbo-loading.

Best thing you can do

before a race like this.

Hi, l'd like a number, please.

OK, that'll be a $10 entrance fee.

You know, I mailed that in.

Oh, OK, so we sent you a receipt.

Yes, you did, but, you see,

here's the dilly.

There was a house fire.

Everything got torched.

Personal papers.

-Excuse me.

The clay handprint ashtray

l made at three.

Tragic tale. l'll cover the kid.

Thanks. Jake Wilkinson.

Jeff Wilson.

Your hat and beard.

You've got to have them on

when you cross the finish line.

Here we go again.

Can anyone in this race actually run?

Sparky Fanoloni won the state

marathon ten years ago.

That was before the two-pack-a-day

habit and the lung removal.

This guy will give us a run

for his money.

Kenyan?

-Yes.

All Santas to the starting line.

See you at the finish line.

Go, Santas, go!

Santas, to your marks.

On your marks.

Get set.

Hey, Jingleballs.

Move your candy canes.

Come on, guys, keep going.

Want a cookie?

That's the end of that.

Or not.

Looks like it's you and me now.

Ready to run for it?

-I was born ready.

Your hat!

Congratulations.

Jake, thank God.

They're gonna try to arrest me.

Come down and meet me

at the station.

Taxi.

Santa says, take me to the airport.

Hey, there.

Hey, you're the kid who beat

Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.

Yep, that's me.

Wait a minute. Mayor Wilson?

-You didn't know?

He wins every year. A lot of us folks

wish he'd won this year too.

He seemed a good guy.

Keeps the potholes filled?

He also donates his entire winnings

every year

to buy turkeys

for people who can't afford them.

He had to be the man.

Can you turn around, please?

l'll be right back.

When did Santa start

using the mailbox?

Didn't you hear

about the new exchange program?

The postman will come down

your chimney later.

You got someplace to go?

Yeah, it's Christmas Eve.

Who doesn't?

l could set a place for you.

No, thanks. l'll be fine.

Merry Christmas.

-You too.

Yes, operator,

it's collect from Jake.

Tracey, accept the... Thank you.

My, dear brother,

you are sounding slightly stressed.

Is it the bumblebees again?

Tracey, l'm not going make it home.

l want you to tell Dad.

What do you mean

you're not going to make it home?

Is this about Carolyn?

-No.

lt's about being stuck in the middle

of nowhere with no money.

At the rate l'm going,

l'll show up in January.

Merry Christmas,

Happy New Year, see you.

Wait. What about the Porsche?

What about it?

-You really must be in trouble.

Would you fly home now if you could?

Like, yeah.

l've got four years of birthday money

upstairs in my ballerina bag.

lf I went to a ticket agent now

and bought you a ticket home,

you'd make it in time for Christmas?

You'd do that for me?

No.

l'd do it for Dad.

Plus, think of the pleasure l'll have

holding this over your head

for the rest of our lives.

OK, whatever you want.

l'm near Madison, Wisconsin.

l'll hitch a ride to the airport.

Wait, I don't have lD.

How will I pick up the ticket?

l know. l'll make up a secret

password that only you would know.

Great, what?

l am a smelly and revolting jerk

who doesn't deserve to live.

Bingo. Wilkinson, Jake.

lt's an unusual password.

-Unusual everything.

What time's the flight leave?

-20 minutes.

l'll need a picture lD.

-I just gave you my password.

Right, but I can't let you on the

plane without proper lD.

What was the point of my password?

I don't make the rules, it's...

-Policy, I know.

Thank you.

Next.

Good Ringo.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Bad Ringo.

Hey, a dog.

Excuse me.

Merry Christmas, Santa. Got a ticket?

No.

This is Pelham.

Next stop, New Rochelle,

followed by Larchmont...

Even a bribe couldn't get him home.

He still has 15 minutes.

Lady, give me a ride? Please?

Give Santa a ride?

Will anybody take me to Larchmont?

Hi, Santa Claus.

Wait, don't turn left.

Don't turn. Go straight.

The package people,

do not unwrap yourselves.

l repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.

You unwrap yourself,

you are out of my parade.

Do I make myself clear?

All right.

-What do you think you're doing?

Buddy.

l could have sworn

l parked that sleigh here.

All is calm

All is right

Round yon Virgin,

Mother and Child...

Sorry.

Come on, Jake. You can make it.

Nice ride.

Thanks.

Just got him back from the shop.

The elves upgraded his shoes

to the new Firestone radials.

Not bad.

Maybe you should have thought

about snow tyres.

You said even if Santa showed up

in a one-horse open sleigh,

you still wouldn't believe

that I cared about you.

So I don't expect this to work.

But I gotta give it a shot.

You know, l'm not the real Santa.

Contrary to all appearances,

this is not a real sleigh.

But, Allie, for all the times

l've been a genuine jerk...

this is a real apology.

lf you'll accept it.

l might.

And this...

is a real kiss.

Come with me to my house.

l have two minutes.

This isn't about the Porsche?

-Come on.

I don't want...

-Trust me.

Shepherds quake

At the...

Let's eat.

What time is it?

lt's 5:
59.

You made it.

Yeah, I guess I did.

Tell me when it's after 6:00, OK?

What do you mean,

aren't you going in?

No, not yet.

But I thought...

Just watch.

-Watch what?

My family.

l guess it's about time

l went home for Christmas.

Care to join me?

You bet.

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