I'm Not Ashamed

1

I want to be a light,

but it feels so dark.

It's like...

I have a heavy heart

and this burden on my back.

There's something in me

that makes me want to cry...

...and I don't even know what it is.

America and the world mourns,

as the biggest school shooting

in U.S. history

took place today at Columbine High School.

According to reports,

two gunmen came in shooting, and began

working their way through the school.

What police and everyone else

are looking for now is a reason

for the violence

that tore this quiet school

and suburban neighborhood apart

just weeks before graduation.

Rach, it's okay.

Just try and get some sleep.

Are they getting a divorce?

Mom? Can you pay for my car insurance?

- You said you would.

- Um...

Yeah, I don't know yet.

It's really expensive, Bethanie.

Unbelievable. This is so lame.

Oh, you know what? I picked up

some extra houses to clean,

so I'm gonna need your help

with the kids tomorrow.

I'm not their mother.

Okay, guys, now that your dad

doesn't live here anymore,

we're not going to have

as much as we used to.

So each morning, we're going

to pray for what we need. Okay?

Okay.

Dear Jesus, thank you

for these precious children.

You tell us to come to you

for the things that we need.

So, Lord, I pray for gas money

to get to work.

I pray for cute clothes for school.

And car insurance for Bethanie.

And lots of stuffed animals.

Amen.

Congratulations!

- I saw you got the lead!

- Thank you! I did!

Congrats!

Thanks, man, I appreciate it.

I'm excited, honestly.

- It only took me three years, so...

- Yeah.

This just proves that no one notices me.

Everybody treats me like I'm 14.

So you didn't get the lead

in the school play.

Who cares? You're just a sophomore.

Uh, Alex was a sophomore when

he got his first lead role.

- It's true.

- I know. He doesn't even know my name.

And Mrs. Diaz said she's gonna

let him write the play next year.

Well... I know Alex a little.

I mean, he was the only boy in

my dance class when we were kids.

He's pretty hot. Mm-hmm.

- For a drama guy.

- Not exactly my type.

We both love acting.

He would be perfect for me.

I could see that.

I just want a real boyfriend.

You know, guys never think of me that way.

Well, let's change that.

I'll get him to notice you.

But first, you have

to stop wearing these hats

that you've been wearing

since the fourth grade.

- Look at me.

- Thank you.

He probably wouldn't like me anyway, so...

Don't say that.

Now, just let me work my magic,

and I'll see if I can arrange

for something this weekend.

You're the best, Maddy.

- Don't call me that.

- Ooh...!

Stop it! I hate it! God!

Now, I'm gonna do the best that I can do,

but I need you to make sure that he

doesn't just see you as a friend,

- if you know what I mean.

- Got it.

Totally.

- Don't ever do that in front of him.

- I was kidding.

- Ever.

- That was bad.

Come on, the guys are already there.

Unless your mom has a crystal ball,

no one's gonna find out.

Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo.

- We've got liquid courage.

- Rachel!

Come on.

Rachel.

I can hear them from my room.

You know Mom's gonna bust you.

Well, don't say anything.

I'm not gonna lie for you again.

Come on, Dana.

Don't be such a goody-goody.

This night could be huge for me.

Fine.

Thanks. I owe you one. Seriously.

- Rachel!

- It's gonna be kind of weird

hanging out with drama guys.

# In the aftermath #

# My music in my... #

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Well, that's what he asked me to do.

I think it's kind of cool.

Thank you.

Welcome, ladies.

The pool is open exclusively

- for our personal guests.

- Don't get too nutty,

'cause we're not technically

supposed to be here.

Well, this is Celine,

and this is Gabby, and Rachel.

Alex, you two

should get to know each other.

Have we met before?

I think she tried out for the play.

- Villager number four.

- That's it, yeah.

Well, come on in. The water's warm, and...

- we have drinks.

- So do we.

# La, la, la, la-la... #

I think I'm gonna go check on Gabby

before she pukes in the pool.

- We'll miss you.

- But, hey, you should show Rachel

your ballet moves from the fourth grade.

You know, that's tempting.

I just might.

I'm not like my friends.

What do you mean?

I can't really be fake.

And they are?

No.

No, I didn't mean it like that.

We've been best friends

since elementary school.

It's just...

I mean, look at them.

All the guys want them.

But I want the guy I want

to want what I am and...

not the fake version of what I think

I want to think that they want

to think that I am.

Interesting.

I'm not a social plastic person.

Just wanted to get that out there.

That's cool. What is it?

I don't know, really.

Sometimes I just draw what I feel.

You're an artist?

I'm all right.

I actually write more than I draw.

Oh, I act what I write.

You know, people like us,

we have stories to tell.

You know, and acting, it...

really brings those words to life

so people can really feel it, you know?

Yeah.

That's why all the world's a stage...

And all the men and women merely players.

They have their exits and their entrances.

You like Shakespeare?

Yeah. Course.

I want to write plays, too.

Well, I can help you out,

you know, show you what I know.

- My process.

- That'd be cool.

I can take a look at your

writing, too, if you want.

I connect through writing.

Words are the window to the heart.

Yeah.

You're, like. deep.

Are you spiritual or something?

No.

Not... no, not really.

Really? 'Cause, you know...

I'm a spiritual guy myself.

You know, I like to take in the energy

around me for my art.

Yeah. Guess I'm like that, too.

Mm.

Hey, you guys are too dry! Come in!

No, we're good.

Come on! Come on!

Well... if that's what you want.

You know, I want what you want.

But just in case you wanted to know,

I want you to want

to come in the pool. Just...

wanted to get that out there.

# Here I am #

# Just waiting, and the world #

# Is passing by #

Girl, come here!

# All alone in my sanctuary #

- Oh!

- Careful.

# Coming back to life #

# I wait #

# In the aftermath #

# My music in my mind... #

Bye.

Rachel Joy.

I prayed over pillows tonight.

Where have you been?

Out with the girls.

Why is your hair all wet?

We went swimming.

What if something had happened?

I need to know where my children are.

Sorry, Mom.

You smell like smoke.

And... booze.

Are you buzzing?

Mom, nobody says that.

Oh. Okay, well, you're grounded

till you go to your Aunt Bea's.

What? Mom, that's, like, the whole summer!

Exactly. This kind of behavior

will not be tolerated

- under this roof.

- I told you.

Shut up, Dana.

Rachel, we're gonna have a long

chat about this in the morning.

You're better than this, Rachel Joy.

I can't even control them.

Larry went from no kids

to five kids overnight.

He's still getting used to everything.

I'm so scared that he's gonna regret it.

- Beth, don't say that.

- I think it'll be good

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