I'm Still Here Page #10

I've given up acting.

You've given up acting?!

You've given up shaving.

There's a difference.

I'm gonna do my

Joaquin Phoenix for you.

I'm as giddy

as Joaquin Phoenix

with a ballpoint pen

and a blank prescription pad.

We better call Puff Daddy...

Phoenix has gone completely nuts.

Earlier this month

You might recall

actor Joaquin Phoenix made

a rather odd appearance, to put it mildly.

Everybody, it looks like

Joaquin Phoenix is finished.

And if he wasn't such an a**hole,

this would kinda be a sad day.

He should have stayed Joaquin Phoenix,

the tortured actor. This rapping thing?

It's like somebody turning the lights on

in a bar at 2:
00 a.m.

It just looks f***ing horrible.

But before we mourn his 15 minutes,

let's remember that prior to J.P.,

he was Joaquin Phoenix,

which wasn't even his real name either.

It was like Leaf Jacobs

or some sh*t like that.

He is a product of ambition--

just a hipper vegan Tom Cruise.

You know, all that noise about "I am the guy

who doesn't care what you think of me;

I don't watch my movies;

I'm so real"

was not only annoying bullshit,

but it obscured the fact

that he was just a f***ing ham

even when he mumbled.

Now maybe we can appreciate

the subtle, more refined talents

of a-- dare I say--

Leonardo DiCaprio,

or a Matt Damon?

Is it real?

It really doesn't matter.

Hugh Grant got head from that hooker

and was forgiven

before his "Leno" appearance

went to commercial.

And Britney shaved her head

and showed us her p*ssy

and we still wanted more.

But Phoenix is f***ed

because even behind

that homeless man's beard

and without showing

his genitalia,

he has still managed to empty

his little bucket of mystery all over the floor.

Leaf, Joaquin, J.P.,

all three of you are finished.

There's no spectacle to hope for,

no fantasy to imagine.

The thrill is gone.

Hey, David.

Yeah, it's Larry.

With Joaquin.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you

about getting Joaquin

down there at LIV

to perform this week.

Is Wednesday a big night?

I mean, is the place

going to be packed or--?

- I just talked to David.

- David?

- Yeah, the guy from Miami.

- Oh yeah?

- And what did he say?

- Wednesday night.

- Wednesday?

- Yeah.

Why the f*** Wednesday?

He says it's a good night.

You know, like hip crowd,

they'll like your music.

The guy down in Miami

had doubts about, you know,

Joaquin's abilities

and I had to reassure him

a little bit

that it wasn't going to be

another "Letterman" thing.

I don't know.

I mean...

I can't question that.

If he wants to do something, we do it.

A charity's being formed

for this deformity

'Cause man can't conform for nobody...

How-- what's that sound like?

What can I say to Antony

but "F*** you"?

No, all right.

Do you have reverb on the vocal?

- Uh, no.

- No, nothing.

Uh-huh. And the track

isn't running through the board at all?

There's no--

we can't E.Q. the track?

I'm still real, I won't kneel

Unless it's God,

my team will know how I feel

I never sold out, never,

my good soul, never

I live forever,

I'm the one that God's chosen, b*tch.

Lar?

Go go go go.

Coming in through the deejay booth.

Be by the deejay booth.

Side of the stage.

Bring him through the stage.

Go go go go!

The side of the stage--

bring him

off the side of the stage-- go!

What the f*** is up, Miami?!

And now let's hear it...

for J.P., baby.

Let's motherfucking rock!

What?

F*** you.

I'm still here,

I don't scare

I don't fear,

don't even fear f***ing fear

I never crack, never,

I don't give, never

I live forever,

I'm the one that God...

I'm still real,

I won't kneel

Unless it's God,

my team know how I feel

I never sold out, never,

my good soul, never

I live forever,

I'm the one that God chose

I heard the call,

alarms sounding off

Feeling guilty 'cause my night

was spent f***ing off

History perverted me,

words can never harm me

Saying I'm the epitome

of a f***ing rap self-parody

A charity's being formed

for this deformity

This man can't conform

for nobody

I made it here despite

the efforts of a few

What can I say to a punk

but "F*** you"?

I must confess,

I'm preposterous at best

A pretentious mess,

can't get himself even dressed

In response I don't get mad,

I shake you off

Waving goodbye

like I was last year's fad

Trend-setting,

on you I won't be betting

I let it go so long as you know

that I'm stormy weather

And whether or not

you're better or not

Couldn't make a lick of difference

from where I'm sitting at the top

Here through these years,

I don't scare

Don't even fear

f***ing fear

I never crack, never,

I don't give, never

I'll throw it down,

you can bet on that, fella

I'm still real,

I won't kneel

Unless it's God,

my team know how I feel

I never sold out, never,

my good soul, never

Live forever, I'm the one

that God's chosen, b*tch

Long-winded letters

that I've written

Once a snake has bitten,

I'll forgive but won't forget it

Not talking revenge,

I don't have the time to do to you

All the f***ed-up things,

fantasies of ruining you

Ain't got a crew,

but I'll take on yours

Gotta wrap this sh*t up with you

'cause I'm so f***ing bored

Just this one thing

I gotta say

To let you know,

to get it off my chest

Before this long rest

I never betrayed you,

I never did what you thought I did

Still you came at me

swinging, kid

Nevertheless I wish you the best

and pray you get to heaven

But more than likely

you'll be burning with the devil

Here through these years

I don't fear,

don't even fear f***ing fear

I never crack, never,

I don't give, never

I throw it down,

you can bet on that, fella

I'm still real,

I won't kneel

Unless it's God,

my team know how I feel

I never sold out, never,

my good soul, never

I live forever,

I'm the one that God's chosen

B*tch.

So, LIV,

it's good to see y'all.

Dude, what's your

f***ing problem?

Shut the f*** up.

You wanna get up here

and try and f***ing do it, b*tch?

Show it, yeah.

Sorry, we got a f***ing a**hole

in the audience.

F***ing shut up, dude.

Does my suit cost more

than you f***ing make

in a f***ing week, dude?

Is that why?

Yeah.

Dude, I got a million dollars

in a f***ing bank account.

What do you got, b*tch?

You washing dishes?

You standing around washing dishes,

you gonna come make fun of me?

All right,

taking the next song--

uh... what?

You motherfucking a**hole.

Oh, grab it!

Get off.

Joaquin, Joaquin, Joaquin.

Is that it?

- I'll get some towels.

- And water.

Here you go.

Can I get some water too,

please?

We'll take the back

so they won't get you.

I hope.

You all right?

Dude, that was

a good show.

When I dream

I dream of you

And if I'm wrong,

we'll know it's true

It takes more than sacrifice

To keep love--

It disappears just like the dew

Dew-www

Well, there's

Cool water in you

Well, you know that there's

Cool water in you

You know there's

Cool water in you

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