I'm Still Here Page #6

f***ing understand?

I mean, this is

f***ing ridiculous, dude.

No, it's gonna work out.

- As soon--

- I will work it out!

Yes!

What should I tell her?

Just shut the f*** up.

I'm still here

through these years

I don't scare--

I can't believe this.

Joaquin's watching TV last night

and he saw like Hanks and Diddy

were at the inauguration.

I think he's pretty pissed

Diddy hasn't called.

Suddenly we've got to go

to Washington.

I don't know what we're gonna do

when we get there

'cause we don't have a car,

we don't have a place to stay.

All we got were

one-way tickets.

And nobody even asked him

to host a party at the inauguration.

Not even a vice president party

so he's not happy about that either.

How could we not have a car?

What a goddamned

f***ing joke this is.

You know, I got up,

I tried to wake up Joaq

to go to the inauguration,

and he wouldn't get up.

He just would not wake up.

So we left him there and then came back

and he was all pissed off

with the once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity

and he missed it.

And now he's freaking out

about not having weed.

So things aren't going well

on this leg of the adventure.

...every step of the way.

That's why

Weight Watchers created

the brand new

Momentum program.

Can we call him please?

I beg you.

I mean, it's totally--

it's totally insane that...

Are you crazy?

We have to have patience.

...I should be without weed.

We're going to take a look back

at this truly remarkable day.

Can you please clip

my f***ing hairs, dude?

Don't! You don't have to hold it.

I'll hold it.

- I have to hold it.

- I'll hold it. Don't touch it, just do it.

- It grows back twice as fast.

- So f***ing what, dude?

Quit being

so goddamned negative.

Why don't you

shave it off, dude?

I'm not going

to f***ing shave it off.

- It's disgusting.

- Because we're not getting a full trim.

- You're gonna get stubble.

- We gotta go.

- Why?

- Leo's hosting the first ball.

I do f***ing "Reservation Road,"

it sucks, no nominations.

He does f***ing "Revolutionary Road,"

and f***ing gets nominated.

- It's bullshit.

- He's biting your sh*t.

He didn't bite my sh*t.

He just f***ing

got a better thing.

He's luckier.

I won't-- I think

we should get rolling.

Well, great.

I'd like a f***ing joint

and to be anywhere other

than Washington-f***ing-D.C.

But life is not

a Christmas day.

'Cause I don't even give a sh*t

if he does the record or not, dude.

I don't f***ing care.

But he said that he wants to do it.

Now everyone's talking about it

in the f***ing papers.

That's what everyone expects,

now I'm in that position.

Honestly, what have you

f***ing done?

What have we done thus far?

We don't have a f***ing flight?

What did f***ing EJO say?

What did

Edward James Olmos say?

Said we're f***ing...

turned into-- 10% of us into water

that goes down a stream

and emanates into

the f***ing ocean

where we're rehydrated

into the f***ing clouds

and placed back down as snow

on the f***ing mountain--

on top of the mountain.

That's what it's about.

You know what I mean?

And that's how I'm f***ing living.

That's why this is big for me.

That's why who cares

if we're filming?

This is about

a personal journey.

How many people

actually say,

"You know what? I gotta work on me,

so I can think about we,"

and actually f***ing do it?

You know what I mean?

This isn't some bullshit thing. This is me

changing my life before your eyes

to be a f***ing

positive influence.

We got all this equipment,

all the camping gear

and food and everything.

And we get way out there,

and suddenly the weather changes.

It's snowing.

We're freezing.

And we're on the top of this mountain,

and the wind comes up,

blows all our sh*t off into this, like, gully.

We'll never see it again.

And we have to figure out a way to get back.

- What the f*** are you talking about?

- We gotta get back

without--

we all gotta survive.

Where are we getting back to?

We're in f***ing D.C.

- But I'm talking about get back to--

- You mean it metaphorically.

--the comfortable-- yeah, metaphorically.

The comfortable place where we feel good--

- Well, say you're speaking--

say "metaphorically speaking"

or else it's f***ing confusing.

"What is he talking about?

We're in f***ing D.C."

I get where you're going.

- You did not!

- No, everything was cool up to a certain--

- I do though.

- Anton, you did not f***ing get it.

If I'm tired and I'm grumpy,

you still f***ing wake me up.

You know what I mean?

It's like, have the f***ing decency

to let me be

a decent person.

Because I'm the one that's being

looked out there publically

percep--

being perceived.

Do you know what I mean?

Anton, you can't--

you f*** up a flight;

you can't get a goddamned flight.

Dude, if I travel with you guys,

I can't get on

the f***ing private jet.

F***ing Ben f***ing

isn't comfortable--

me and Casey

can f***ing roll. Okay?

Because we f***ing know that world.

You guys not only--

you make us look

f***ing stupid, dude.

Tobey and f***ing Leo

are on a f***ing jet, man.

And we're in this f***ing minivan.

I'm in a f***ing green

rent-a-car minivan.

It's a f***ing joke.

This is a goddamned

f***ing joke.

It's time for me to end this game

with a brand-new start

Coming to you live, direct,

I'll f***ing tear out my spleen

It's none other than

the one and only Joaquin

B*tch, D.C.

Oh sh*t!

F***ing smoked.

They're in cahoots.

Son of a b*tch.

F***ing smoked!

Look it-- just two f***ing weasels.

Sh*t, they're probably right there

just selling the f***ing info.

That's why they just left

all smiling and sh*t.

Them wannabe rock stars-- f*** you.

I'll f***ing crush you.

I had a private eye

follow f***ing Anton

because I'm pretty

f***ing sure he's the one

that was selling information

to magazines, saying, like,

that my sh*t's a hoax

or something.

And I just want

to f***ing crush him.

I heard the call,

sirens sounding off

Feeling guilty 'cause my day

was spent f***ing off

History's perverted me,

words don't really comfort me

You've become the epitome

of a f***ing--

I made it here

despite the efforts of a few

So now it's time

to simply say, "F*** you!"

That's f***ing ironic.

Can I come in?

I really don't think

you should film this, dude.

I mean--

Ant, dude,

I know it was

f***ing you, dude.

What was me?

- The press.

- The press?!

I have not talked

to the press, dude.

I have not had anything at all,

on my life, dude,

- I have not talked to the press.

- Ant,

don't f***ing

do this to yourself.

I--

I can't believe that you

could come into my home

after all the things

I've done for you.

I tried to give you

this opportunity

and you f***ing

betray me, dude--

the one f***ing thing.

I did not, Joaq.

Honestly, on my life,

I did not betray you.

I swear on my life, dude.

I have not talked to the press

about anything.

Dude, you think

it's a f***ing joke.

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