I'm Still Here Page #9

the new music career?

The new hip-hop career,

when will we see that take off?

When can we--

'cause we want to be there.

Uh, well, I'd love to come

on the show and perform...

- Yeah.

- ...when it's done.

But I'm just-- I'm working on it,

you know?

- It's a--

- You know, that seems unlikely.

Can you-- can you set up

the clip for us, Joaquin?

I don't--

Are you kidding?

Are you serious?

Does the maniacal laughter--

I don't know what the clip is.

You don't know

what the clip is?

It's you and-- maybe a scene

with you and Gwyneth Paltrow?

All right,

you're doing fine.

Thanks.

Uh, high praise coming from you.

- Is that really-- that's the--

- We're having fun.

- That's fun?

- We're having fun. Just relax, seriously.

I'll come to your house

and chew gum.

- Okay, I don't have to chew gum.

- No, just relax.

- I won't chew the gum. I won't chew the gum.

- Well!

And, Joaquin, I'm sorry

you couldn't be here tonight.

Uh, the film

is "Two Lovers."

Opens Friday

in selected cities.

Thank you very much

and good luck in your new career.

I hope that goes well for you.

We'll be right back

with model...

Oh my God.

I don't know,

I don't know.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Sir, could you just

pull over for a sec?

Dude, just pull over

for a sec.

I gotta f***ing

walk around a little.

God-- f***ing--

I don't f***ing know!

F***ing wall right here.

Goddamn f***ing wall.

I f***ed it.

I just f***ing made

an announcement.

I said I'll never go back to acting

and now I can't.

You know what? I'm miserable.

F***ing music sucks.

And I didn't even f***ing know it.

I'm so stupid.

Oh, bullshit, dude.

It f***ing sucks.

I'm just going to be

a goddamn joke forever.

I can't believe it.

Why'd I do that? Why'd I do that?

F***.

I'm f***ed.

I'm f***ed. I'm f***ed.

I f***ed

my f***ing life, man.

I f***ed my life.

Oh sh*t.

Sh*t. I can't go to this

f***ing premier, dude.

How am I gonna go?

F*** 'em.

I gotta go to

the f***ing premier.

Mr. Phoenix, over here.

Mr. Phoenix, right in front of you,

please, sir.

I'm shooting right now.

I'm shooting.

You f***ing

son of a b*tch.

Are you f***ing

kidding me?

Where's Larry?

I gotta go.

Where's Larry?

The doors don't f***ing open.

Can you get the f***ing door open?

It doesn't open.

It's just a little joke.

I'm the f***ing joke?

You're the joke!

I'm doing more than what anyone

f***ing expects!

And then-- and you literally

are f***ing off.

When people really see what happens,

they're gonna laugh at you!

Not at me.

'Cause I saw the f***ing history, dude.

I know you watched the "Letterman" thing

'cause you think it's so f***ing funny.

You're a broken alkie.

You're a f***ing piece of sh*t.

I sh*t on your face, man.

Honestly, I sh*t

on your f***ing face.

I am really sorry

that it's gone this way.

I know that things

have been getting weird

between us over the past

f***ing few months.

What's been weird

between us?

Things have gotten weird between us, dude,

and I am sorry.

I am sorry for my part in it.

I am sorry.

But you can't f***ing go on treating me

like I'm an a**hole all the time.

You know what?

You are an a**hole.

Joaq, you cannot keep

talking to me this way...

- You're an a**hole.

- ...the whole f***ing time.

You're an a**hole.

- There is some part of you...

- I don't know how come you see--

- ...that is enviously jealous.

- Oh, dude, please!

- Listen to me!

- I am listening to you!

Well, not when

you're talking like that!

You don't have to be

the f***ing exorcist, dude.

Just f***ing talk

like a normal human being.

You think you know everything

that's happening, but you don't.

Listen, you've got to understand

one thing, okay?

That's why

you don't see it, dude.

Antony, I'm telling you

I'm serious.

- Dude, don't f***ing hit me.

- I'll knock your f***ing--

I'll knock your teeth out

and I'll sh*t on your f***ing face.

F*** you.

You want to test it, do it.

You've sh*t on my f***ing life

enough times.

What can I do for you?

Not f*** things up!

Not f*** up my f***ing life.

Not make me look

like I'm a f***ing joke.

I know that sometimes

I f***ing get out of f***ing place.

I'm an intense guy.

I'm a passionate guy.

And that bleeds through into my life,

but that's because I do something.

Know what I mean? Whether I was acting

or whether I was doing music

or whatever it is,

I give myself to something.

What's your bit?

What is your bit?

I mean, it's almost comical.

Like I literally was angry

and now I almost-- like,

I feel sorry for you, dude.

You're a bitless dude.

I have f***ing bits.

What the f*** do you have?

Haven't you seen me?

You've seen the f***ing stuff I do,

you see how people are affected by it.

You know that I affect people

in a f***ing positive way.

So what I'm saying is what are you

gonna do with your f***ing life?

You took too long.

That's what I'm saying, dude.

You're not f***ing assertive.

I agree.

I don't need to have this conversation.

F*** the peace, f*** the bullshit.

I'm trying to do you a favor.

I'm talking to you as a friend

and I'm trying to do

other people a favor to see this,

to know what it's like,

to understand what I go through.

They don't know

what it's like, dude.

Did you have to go

on f***ing Letterman?

How could I possibly concentrate

when I'm dealing with--

- They don't want me on Letterman.

- Excuse me!

When I'm f***ing dealing

with f***ing Diddy

and his fullness,

his idea of what's right?

They're actually gonna see

how f***ing hard it is.

I came in here to talk

and now, you know what, dude?

Think of a f***ing bit

worthwhile.

But f*** off anyways, dude.

Honestly, Ant, I'm through with you.

Do whatever the f*** you want.

And I hope one day

I see a bit that's worthwhile

that you were involved in.

Although I find that

highly unlikely.

You want a bit?

I'll give you a bit.

Oh the f*** are you--?!

Oh f***, oh!

What the f*** are you

f***ing doing?

- Oh!

- The f*** you doing?

F***!

Lar!

- What the f***?

- What the f*** is that?

Is that human

f***ing sh*t, dude?

Did someone just

human sh*t on me?

Let me see.

Oh man, f***.

- Jesus.

- I'm gonna f***ing kill him.

I'm gonna f***ing murder him.

Get the f*** out of here.

Get out of here.

Please welcome

Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller.

Cinematographers

are the unsung heroes of movies.

They live and breathe

shadow and light.

Their work is the bedrock

of every production.

This is ridiculous.

You're chewing gum at the Oscars.

Okay, I'll take it out.

- What's going on with you?

- Nothing.

I just want to retire from being

a funny guy, that's all.

You look like you work

at a Hasidic meth lab.

What do you want to do?

- What do you want to do?

- I don't know.

Maybe...

cinematography.

The documentaries

nominated here today

could not be more different.

And yet as we face anxiety

and uncertainty at the dawn of this--

will you shut the f*** up?

It's f***ing distracting.

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