I Bury the Living

1

Welcome, sir.

Welcome to the Immortal Hills.

Thank you.

It's all by way of making you feel

right at home, Bobby.

Mr. chairman.

Come along, sir.

After you.

This is your place now, you know?

Of course, it isn't as if you

was any stranger here, Bob.

Yes, but somehow this place

all looks different to me,

like I never saw it before.

Well, maybe I never had to.

It's cold as an icebox in here.

Oh, that thing hasn't

worked in years.

Cement halls, the wet,

you know...

Makes the air a wee bit crisp, you see.

Won't bother you none

once you get down to work.

Well, I'm not sworn in yet.

Oh, that's only for show, sir.

Now, let me see if I've got the list

of committee men right.

First, chairman Robert Kraft, yourself.

Now Mr. Honegger, treasurer,

your uncle George, secretary,

and, of course,

Mr. Trowbridge and Mr. Bates,

making five in all, right?

Right.

You canna find me at any time.

My dwelling's straight across the boulevard,

opposite the gate.

Makes it nice, living so close to my work.

Now, would you like to see the sights, sir,

give the roof a chance to catch the heat?

Hmm.

If you care to make a tour,

it's a bit warmer outside.

That's quite a map.

Oh, yes, sir, that's a map

of the entire cemetery

down to the wee-est speck of dust.

Here we are, and here's

my shed with the rose stone,

and there's the gate

you come in.

Certainly kept it up to date,

there's the new mausoleum

on here, already.

Aye. Oh, yes, sir.

This map's going to be

a big help to you, Bobby.

Suppose you got a customer

and you want to know

what ground we can show him,

this is where the map comes in.

One look, and quick as a wink,

you know who's where and what's what.

It's them pins that makes it so easy.

The black ones stand for

the ones that is already there,

and the white ones for them as has made

their arrangements

for the future.

Now, for example,

here's my place.

Lovely, isn't she, Bob?

There.

Sun in the morning, but, eh, gets those trees

to give shade in the afternoon heat.

McKee, you've been on

this job now, 40 years, right?

Aye.

Well, I guess

the committee's right,

it's high time we retired you.

Nothing to worry about,

full pension.

You'll draw the same

check every month.

I'm to be paid for nothing from now on?

No, you're to be paid

for 40 years of devotion,

and that's something.

Anyone in mind to replace you?

Oh, aye, uh, why I hadn't a given it

much thought, sir,

but, uh, why?

There must be plenty of young

and hard-muscled toughs

who would give

their eyeteeth for my shoes.

It's a lovely place to work.

You're outside

near Mother Earth.

Well, let me know if, uh,

you find somebody, huh?

Oh, aye, I will.

Yes, sir, that's quite a map.

Pardon me, sir.

I just wanted to show you

where we keep this,

in case of emergencies.

No need to worry, though,

we haven't had none, yet.

Oh, you expecting visitors, sir?

No, but that sounds like Stu Drexel.

Oh, aye!

Drexel and pretty Beth Ferris.

I heard they was promised.

Looks like they're hitched.

She finally caught me, Bob.

Bethie, many happy

returns of the clay.

Stu, that's a great place

you picked for a honeymoon.

Oh, marriage has

made me conservative.

How 'bout it, Mrs. D.?

Can I carry you

over the threshold?

I still don't think it's so very funny.

I think it's positively awful,

if you really want

to know the truth.

Aw, Bethie, don't be that way.

What's the trouble?

How would you like to get a cemetery plot

for a wedding gift?

Now, Bethie, you know pop

never meant it for a present.

It's just a formal legal sort of thing.

You see, dad left part of my inheritance

in trust for when I got married.

One of the provisions was that

myself and my wife

had first-class accommodations

here at the Immortal Hills.

Doesn't cost us a cent,

but we have to buy the plots

before the bank will let me have the cash.

You know dad,

he never did consider me

much on responsibility.

He was a very smart man.

Oh, aye, that he was.

And though a bonny bride

should have her thoughts

far from doom, it's a lucky girl

whose father-in-law provides

from the beyond

for her future.

Isn't he sweet?

Thanks, Scotty.

Bob, give us a couple near the old man, will ya?

And call Owens at the bank

in the morning

so I can cash a check.

I don't think it's funny at all.

From the last administration, sir.

Folks get a wee bit rocky when

they come out here, sometimes.

Best to be prepared.

Down the hatch.

- Thank you.

- Mm.

Oh, over here, that's where the Drexel bunch is.

Ah, it'll get so you'll love it out here, Bobby.

It's a fine and green and lovely place.

A fine place to slip away

from the cares of the world.

Slip away and live a wee bit.

"As retiring chairman of the Immortal Hills

Cemetery management committee... "

- George, I haven't got...

- Sh!

"It is now my very great

pleasure to announce...

- I don't even...

- Sh!

The appointment

of Robert Kraft,

president of Kraft

Department Store... "

Now, George, don't shush me.

You railroaded me into this.

Now, wait a minute, Bob.

It's your turn.

Last year was his turn.

The year before, it was mine.

Nobody refuses to take

the chairmanship.

Pardon us, Henry.

"President of Kraft

Department Store... "

Why?

Why?

Nobody ever has.

It's just not done, son.

Well, can you give me one good reason

why I should take over

the management

of a whole big cemetery

when I'm up to my neck in my own business?

"As retiring... "

Hold it. Of course I can.

Tradition, particularly for us Krafts.

You always harp on dignity, honor, prestige.

Well, how do you

think we got it?

Because your great grandfather,

your grandfather,

and your father served on

every community project,

board, and committee that was ever created.

They served for free.

But they did it for business.

That's what a fine family has

to do in this town.

And you can't refuse to do it

without losing a lot of respect

from our customers.

And another thing...

It's just not done.

Well, pass me over

till next year.

I'm up to my ears.

Bob, do you realize

you're talking about

only a few hours a month,

at the most?

McKee, the caretaker, handles everything.

All you do is show up

once a week

and sign the checks.

- It's getting late, George...

- Proceed, Henry.

Raise your right hand.

Well, what about Bill Honegger?

Raise your right hand.

"Do you, Robert Kraft,

swear to discharge the duties

and responsibilities of this office

faithfully and completely,

to the utmost of your abilities?"

I do.

Congratulations, Bob.

See ya.

- So long, Henry.

- Thanks, Mr. Trowbridge.

Thank you, Uncle George.

Uh, okay, Miss Lane,

you can put through his calls now.

Thank you, Mr. Watson.

I'll ring him for you now.

Hello.

There's a guy named Watson

on the phone, says it's urgent.

- Do you know him?

- Of Olds and Watson?

Of Olds and Watson, you know.

Oh, the undertaker. Swell.

Hello.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Watson.

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