I Can Do Bad All By Myself

Hello.

Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

That's what we do at Club Indigo.

The more you drink,

the better I look.

And the more you drink,

the better your date's gonna look.

A couple of you guys

valet parked your cars.

Well, you need to make good friends,

you're gonna need a ride home.

We don't have valet here.

Anybody valet?

You need a ride home.

This is one of the baddest sisters

around. This black gal can sing!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we'll try to show some love.

Put those hands together for

the one and only, not May, not June...

...but April. Give it up for Miss April!

Damn Joe better sit--

I know ain't nobody

breaking in this house.

Must be somebody new

to the neighborhood...

...they gonna break in my house.

I'm Madea,

and they gonna break in this house?

Oh, hell no.

Oh, see you later, Helmer.

-Joe.

-Now roll the joint up.

Joe.

Mabel, what the hell wrong with you?

You don't be coming--

Wake the hell up.

You about to give me a heart attack.

You too ugly

to be waking somebody up...

...in the middle of the night,

I told you that.

You gotta ease that ugly

up on people.

You can't just show it to them

all at once.

Code five, fool. Code five. Hurry up.

-Get out the bed.

-Code five? Hell, go get them, Mabel.

-Hell, you look like armed services.

-Hurry up.

Ain't nothing in here but me.

This is your house.

Wait a minute. My weed down there.

Oh, hell no now.

Is this worth you getting

a cap busted in your ass for?

-What the hell?

-Did they done drop my damn VCR?

What you doing with my--?

Not your TiVo.

Sit your ass down!

Wait, this is from me.

Hold on, Joe. Hell.

Them children.

Clap your hands, girls!

Y'all eating like y'all ain't ate nothing

in days.

I don't know why the hell you feeding

these children.

You feed them, they gonna

keep coming back, just like roaches.

You got one roach,

you gonna have thousands.

You never gonna be able

to get rid of these children.

You ain't been able

to get rid of what you got.

Scratch and sniff.

Shut your mouth. I was in

a experiment with-- In Tuskegee.

-You want some more sandwich?

-Yeah.

-You say "yes, ma'am" to me.

-Yes, man.

He say "yes, man."

No, son, that ain't--

That ain't no man.

She just look like one.

-You say "yes, ma'am."

-What does that mean?

Don't know what's wrong

with these children today.

Ain't nobody teach you some respect?

"Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. No, sir"?

-Nobody teach you that?

-No.

Somebody should've. I don't know

what's wrong with parents today.

Hey, slow the hell down, boy.

Wipe your mouth.

What the hell's wrong?

-He crazy?

-No.

What's wrong with him?

-He's a weirdo.

-Eat your food and shut up.

Girl, eat something.

Get you some butter and jelly.

No, I'm good.

Just wanna make sure they eat.

I'm mad as hell about my VCR.

I'm trying to be nice to you,

but I'm mad as hell about this VCR.

I ought to shank you.

This is my VCR.

I had this VCR back in 1973...

...when Otis Redding came by

and he sat there with me...

...and both of us watched

a movie on this VCR...

...and you just drop it

like it's nothing.

This is a antique, girl.

You know what a antique is?

There one right there.

This is a antique.

-Still gonna call the cops?

-Hell, yeah.

You done broke in somebody's house.

Just because you looking sad...

...you don't think nobody gonna call

the police? I'm calling the po-po.

It's tore up, anyway. I don't see

no reason for you to call the cops.

Don't tell me not to call the cops.

If I wanna call the cops, I'm gonna.

I might not call

if you done learned your lesson.

The lesson is simple.

You can ask people for stuff.

You ain't gotta be

trying to steal nothing.

I'm feeding you

out of the kindness of my heart.

I'm doing the good Christian thing,

doing what Jesus would've did.

I'm feeding you.

My daughter would be proud...

...feeding the people

that came in here to steal.

All this stuff going on in the world,

I can help y'all if you ask me to help.

Ain't gotta come

breaking in the house.

People are working hard

for what they got...

...and you gonna break up

in somebody's house.

-What's wrong with y'all?

-Hey, Big Bird, calm down.

Making me upset, stealing

and break into somebody's house.

-You hear me, boy?

-Yes, man.

Boy, you're cute.

He said it again.

He said--

You said it again.

Boy, you funny. You is funny.

That ain't no man.

You can't say "yes, man."

But that's what--

Yes, ma'am. Yes, dude.

As in, yes, sir.

As in, yes, dude.

As in, yes, bro.

Where are your people?

-My grandma--

-She's at work.

Is that what you was gonna say?

-No.

-Yes.

-They lying.

-You know I can hear you, right?

Let this child talk to me

before I choke you out.

We haven't seen our grandma

in four days.

Four days?

Why? Is she on that stuff?

No, she went to work

like she always do...

...but this time,

she never came back.

Manny, can you just shut up

and eat your food, please?

This child can talk to me

if he want to.

-Where your mom at?

-Dead. My grandma's at work.

-Where's she work at?

-I don't know.

-Y'all ain't got no living relative?

-We got an aunt.

April. April.

-Hey.

-Girl, wake up.

I'm up. I'm here.

Where did everybody go?

Home. It's past closing.

-Did Randy come get me?

-No, I ain't seen no Randy.

Give me one more drink

while I wait.

Girl, you had enough. Get up...

-...and go now.

-lf you love me, give me another drink.

I love you.

I can't give you another drink.

Okay. All right. Okay.

I'm gone. I'm gone.

-Have it your way.

-Hurry up.

-Hey.

-Be careful.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-Oh, hey, April.

-Hey.

You got some money?

Man, didn't I just give you

some money?

Yes, I did.

Don't lie. Don't lie.

Hey, hey! Hold it! Hold it!

Man, superstar coming through.

Should I get this? Wifey's calling.

Sh*t, I wish you would.

I dare you. Put it down.

You need to fix

the floor in the bathroom.

Everything in this damn house

is broken.

Well, when I get some money to fix it,

I'll fix it.

But until then,

what you get is raggedy.

Who's snapping?

Hello?

Hey, baby.

No. No, I ain't off--

-You did? Stop.

-Stop.

You what?

Janice, I told you....

No, I know that. Look, I'm happy.

Look, I said I'm happy.

Yeah, okay. I'll call you later.

-Yeah, you sound real happy.

-She's pregnant.

Congratulations.

April, you know good and damn well

I don't want no more kids.

I can barely pay

the damn bills in my house.

And yours.

What the hell am I gonna do

with some more kids, huh?

I got four already. I can't even handle

this damn child support.

-Killing my ass.

-Whose fault is that?

What did you say?

Nothing.

-You said something.

-Nothing. Baby, nothing.

It's nothing.

Nothing.

-Nothing?

-No.

What, you gonna tell me

you pregnant now?

You know I don't want kids.

All I want is you.

Well, good. Come on.

-I gotta go.

-Okay.

You know I love you, right?

Me too.

Now, go tell wifey I said hi.

Kiss the kids for me.

-That's funny.

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