I Do... Until I Don't

---

"For life."

No one wants anything

"for life."

It just reminds us

of our impending death.

I pledge allegiance...

The etymology of the word

"betroth" comes from

the word "pledge."

Americans pledge allegiance

a myriad of times

during their life

and then proceed

to throw a happy meal

out the car window.

"Betroth" is a word

from the 1500s.

I mean, the bloody ming dynasty

was still around.

Our problem is,

we live too long.

I mean,

if we were all dying at 45,

then fine, yeah, of course.

Go get yourself

betrothed.

But now we insist on doing

pilates colonic retreats

and vitamin drips,

convicting ourselves

to a dreadfully long existence

with one partner

for half a bloody century.

What do we do,

collectively as a species?

Die younger or,

a far less painful fate,

rethink the system.

I choose life.

I hate that he died.

They were kind of

a cute couple.

Yeah.

You know?

At least one of them

got out of it alive.

Shh.

Thank you, Janet.

Who was that?

And now Hamish's

first and second wives

will read the lyrics

to "come away with me"

by Norah Jones.

Excuse me.

So, what is the point?

Children? Sure.

We marry to procreate.

Yet these precious progeny

are the very reason

for your marriage's demise.

Money? Of course.

It's cheaper

to conjoin funds,

cohabit, joint costco cards,

tax breaks.

Yet still, finances

are the number-one culprit

for severed vows.

Cruel business.

What else then?

Definitely not the sex.

Companionship?

Boredom? Religion?

And then there's love.

We marry for love?

Don't be daft.

Love is not sustainable.

Nor is marriage.

Oh. Mel.

Somebody over there.

Hi.

Hello.

Um, I have two questions,

uh, for you.

Um--

speak up a little.

Um, the first question is,

why did you choose

vero beach, uh,

to make your project?

Um, and "b" is, uh, I loved

your film tween jungle so much,

and I just, uh, admire that you

dedicated your life to the arts.

Both great questions.

Thank you.

Uh, why vero?

Well, my new project

will delve into

the social theorems

presented to amend

the architecture

of marriage,

that it should be

a seven-year contract

with an option to renew,

and that's what I'm gonna be

concentrating on

here in Florida,

the divorce capital

of America.

So, you proud inhabitants

of this swinging state,

I am going to get down

on one knee and propose,

will you accept

that marriage is dead?

I'm not actually going

to get down on one knee.

That was a sort of metaphor.

Oh, Noah, how can you

not remember?

It was the woman,

Vivian prudeck.

She's the one who did

that amazing documentary,

tween jungle.

And there was that one scene

with all those baboons

dancing all angsty

to nirvana.

I'll never forget that image.

Guess who jumped ship,

by the way?

Moses wolper,

my own goddamn godfather,

prefers crappy prefab bullshit

from rightnowblinds.Com.

Anyway,

it's just incredible--

unbelievable.

That she's coming

to vero.

Where's the loyalty?

You should've seen her speech.

She was so riveting.

Really. She commanded

this whole audience.

She was funny

and charismatic.

She's looking for couples

for her new--

I'm sorry. Who's doing what?

You are not serious, are you?

You're not listening to me

at all, are you?

Oh, dear.

Is there another leak?

Yeah. Of course there is.

But at least we get

our plants watered instead of

ruining the goddamn carpet.

Why don't we just call

the sorensen's kid

to fix the roof?

We can't do that.

Why not?

You still don't trust him?

He was 13

when he drove the lawn mower

into the river.

No, I forgave him for that.

It's just, it's 800 bucks,

and we don't have that. Okay?

We need to do

a standard line.

Doing a standard line is not

gonna change the fact that

rightnowblinds.Com is so easy.

Who's side are you on?

I-I'm sorry.

We're basically broke.

We gotta get creative.

Listen.

I have an idea.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I think we need

to change our slogan.

No.

Listen.

Just hear me out.

I like "blindful thinking."

It's got a nice ring to--

it was dad's thing.

Honey, I know that.

I just-- I have some

really great ideas,

i think,

'cause I think

we can make it

a little more modern.

So just

hear me out.

Okay.

Um--

blinded

by the light.

What about that?

Mmm.

We don't blind people.

That would be bad.

No. It was sort of cool.

Um, what about, uh,

blinders keepers?

Okay.

Okay, so--

you don't like that one.

But, uh--

who's blind is it

anyway?

Come on. Is that modern?

I think it's kinda

groovy and cool.

I'll write them down

so that you can

really see them.

It's sometimes easier

to see it visually.

You know what you should do?

Blind your own business.

-Oh, that's good.

-No, that's not good.

Don't write that down.

"Blind your own business."

When you see it written

it looks quite good.

You are ovulating.

What is that?

It's an app.

Wha-- it--

see, the green days

are "fertile."

You have an-- you have

an app on your phone

for my ovaries?

Um... well, yeah.

It's pretty cool, right?

So...

Oh.

Um...

Maybe...

Well-- I see.

Oh, um...

I do have to pee,

so I might be able

to come.

Just for fun.

Yeah.

Um...

Can I smell your breath?

Oh, Noah,

please don't make me

do that.

Come on. Come on.

God, I love

the way your breath smells

after you work out.

Oh, don't say that.

That just reminds me

of our "be more active to

improve our sex life" talk.

That really makes me

self-conscious.

Because

I'm doing my best.

I know.

I just lack

hand-eye coordination.

I did

the tennis clinic today.

No.

Listen, you are very good

at hacky sack.

You're just

saying that.

Hey.

Meet me

in the bathroom...

In five.

Okay?

Don't know if I need

fi-five minutes

to get there, hon.

W-watch it.

Watch it.

Noah? That actually hurt.

Oh. Turn around.

Put your right leg up.

Just be gentle.

Oh, no! Poo, poo, poo.

Oh, gosh, who doesn't--

who doesn't flush

after taking a number two?

That's unreasonable.

I'm sorry.

I just-- I thought--

there we go.

No,

there's poo in there.

Well, it's a toilet.

I know. I just--

I just don't want to

bring life into this world

over poo.

Beans on toast.

Convention.

Man meets woman.

Convention.

Tweens hating their parents.

Convention.

You're so annoying!

Follow the fearless journey of

four species, four adolescents,

four hemispheres of the earth

in the...

Tween jungle.

Why would you do that,

Mel?

That's quite an aggressive act,

stapling my face like that.

Sorry.

If I don't eat something soon,

i am gonna murder someone.

And given your proximity,

it's in your interest

to help me.

We are in front of a diner.

Oh, yes! Well done, Mel.

Might have a shandy tonight

after all.

Oh! That bastard!

Breathe in the light, viv.

Breathe in the light.

I don't really want

to speak to you anymore.

I think about you all the time.

Well, that's rich.

Considering you disposed of me

like a rain-drenched newspaper

in a ditch of sh*t.

Stop yelling, please.

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