I Do... Until I Don't Page #9

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and just waiting for him

to come out.

We'll bail him out.

We will bail quilter out.

Quilton.

Quilton.

Mel, can you come

over here, please?

Do you want a shandy?

Spoon you?

It can't all

fall apart.

I've come too far.

They're all failing me.

Where do I find

new subjects?

There's a sex addicts anonymous

meeting in fort Pierce tomorrow.

You're so clever, Mel.

You know that, don't you?

Thank you.

Could I call you Richard

from now on?

Maybe not.

And I lifted my head

from her crotch

and said,

"i don't want to be here."

This is not me anymore.

I choose to stop eating you out

because I do not know your name.

That's so great.

- Hello?

- Vivian. Yes, hi.

Hello, Alice. Yeah.

I can't talk at the moment.

It's not a good time.

Well, I understand,

but you were right.

Fanny and Noah,

they're cheating on me,

and, um--

they're doing it.

Oh, my god.

I'm so sad.

I found Fanny's panties

in Noah's briefcase.

-What? I'm not a lawyer

in an '80s movie.

-I don't wear panties.

I mean, such is life.

As I always say,

fate is inevitable.

Yes, you are right.

I just--

I've been in my car

alone, crying.

And the sh*t

just hit the fan.

And the sh*t

has hit the fan

in my relationship.

We need to investigate

this arduous time.

Yeah, we do need

to investigate it.

And I want to do it--

and I want to do it

on camera,

for your documentary

because I think I really

want to confront him.

Wait. I've got an idea.

What if we did a public event

on emancipation day?

It could be dramatic

and profound.

Think about it.

Why be in front of one when

you can be in front of a crowd

and really ruin him?

A crowd?

She wants to do it publicly?

She's insane!

You know, I think

it's a fair idea.

I do.

Because it's a perfect place

for me to free myself.

Why? What do you mean?

Free yourself from--

uh... divorce.

That's right. Divorce.

I'll see you there.

Di-- bye.

Mel!

We must organize.

Hey!

Sorry, guys.

We're in a meeting.

Come on quickly, Mel.

I think

I'm close to tears.

Mel. Mel, Mel.

Come on. I'm in a pocket.

I'm in a pocket now.

Okay, and--

okay, good.

The jig is up, people.

We perform these

lofty acts of love--

sky-written proposals,

flash mobs of

"i will love you forever,"

blah, blah, blah.

These are gestures

of disillusionment.

Modern society

has the privilege

to evolve.

Seven years is more than enough

to ask of someone--

if any years at all.

However, if you have taken

that futile path,

as I had done myself,

in vain,

you needn't remain captive.

So often people

declare their love.

Why not declare

your freedom?

My subject, Alice brewing,

after seven years

of marriage and servitude

to her husband Noah,

will publicly exercise

her marital liberation

on none other

than emancipation day,

the day that

so many proud citizens shed

the shackles of bondage

in the name

of human rights.

A day that my subject,

Alice,

will aptly demand hers.

Cut.

Well, sh*t.

Well, this just in.

Critically acclaimed

documentarian Vivian prudeck--

you know, the one with

the wild ideas about marriage.

She's hosting

an emancipation day

event tomorrow.

- Hey. Okay. The guys here say

it's not just the battery.

It's the starter.

Or it's the-- possibly

the sole-- "solenord"?

I don't know.

I don't speak car.

But anyway, whatever it is,

it's gonna be another day or so.

I think we should

just stay in tonight,

get take-out.

Take-out,

for our anniversary?

I know, but milly's here,

so we'll just do

a low-key thing, okay?

All right. Okay.

Okay. I'm waiting for my cab,

so it'll be another hour.

Okay. See you in an hour.

Milly, you want anything

while I'm out?

No, thanks. I'm good.

All righty.

Actually, yeah, yeah.

Can I have some shrimp scampi?

-You got it.

-But not from that Italian place

near the pizza place.

-I don't like that place.

-Okay. I got it.

-Anything else?

-A bunch of chocolate stuff.

Just surprise me.

Perfect. Got it.

Thank you.

That'll do it.

Thank you, ma'am.

Yo! Zander?

Hello?

Anybody else notice

how filthy her aura was?

It was like--

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Harvey! Oh! Oh!

You're picking up today.

That's right. Come in.

Hate to intrude. Sorry.

Meet my family.

-This is Fanny.

Fanny, this is Harvey.

-Hello.

That's Ophelia.

And that's Cyrus.

And that's Noah and Alice.

-Wait. Where's Alice?

Wait. Alice.

-Alice!

It took me forever

to figure out

your eco-toilet.

Alice, this is Harvey.

Harvey, meet Alice.

-We've met before, haven't we?

-No, no. I don't think--

-i don't think so.

-There's something so familiar

about your face.

-I think I just have

one of those faces.

-You look so familiar.

Well, look, Harvey.

You know what?

Why don't you sit down,

have a drink.

I'm gonna mount that sidecar.

I worked really hard on it. Your

special lady's gonna love it.

What's happening?

You're all stiff

all of a sudden.

-I didn't-- no.

-Have more.

Oh, thank you.

Massage her, Noah.

-No, no, no.

No massaging. It's fine.

-How 'bout a massage?

-No!

-I'll wait outside.

-No, don't be silly.

-Relax, baby!

-Uh, no, no--

-please, I don't need--

-massaging you!

-Hey!

You guys hear about

that Vivian prudeck thing?

Yeah. Yeah.

We're going to that.

Are you?

You know, my wife and I,

we're doing this crazy

documentary thing that--

- you're what?

- -Get out of here!

Oh, my god!

You know what

I'm talking about?

We're doing that.

But we hate her.

-No.

-She's doing that whole thing

because of us.

That Vivian crazy lady?

-She's insane!

-No. No way.

You gotta join us.

It's here.

Hey.

Smells so good.

I'm super hungry.

Oh. Look at you,

with your candles.

I just want it

to be nice ambience,

okay?

So I'm gonna set it up

and then you can just have

a good anniversary.

And I'll just go

into my room.

What?

Hey, what is more perfect

than-- than this?

Okay.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, would you ask your mom

to come out for a minute,

please?

Hey, mom, it's for you.

What?

Happy anniversary.

I know you may

hate this gift,

or you may think

it's really selfish,

but, uh,

I realized...

I don't-- I don't

want to ride alone.

I really don't.

I was gonna make it

"i don't want no cybil war,"

but I thought this was

a little more to the point.

What is this?

Happy anniversary to you.

Is it a divorce in a box?

No, they don't make those.

I checked.

I got this

so I could ride b*tch.

I--

I never knew

you wanted to join me.

You never asked.

Come on. Suit up.

I'm taking you out.

Now?

-Yeah, right now.

-Oh, no, now? No.

We got a whole spread,

like a table thing.

I don't care.

I'm taking you out

for a steak dinner.

Come on. Suit up.

Milly! Eat the food!

I'm taking your mom out.

Okay, uh--

just give me a second.

Climb in.

You're doing so well.

Exactly.

It's like a chair.

Wait, wait.

But much harder.

Thank god you thought of this

'cause I'll be honest,

with a head as hard as yours,

i forgot to get a helmet.

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